...Birthday Wishes...

he's 22 today...
wow! i first spoked to him when he was.. 18...

i don't know if i should call or text or even email him...
Shaaf didn't even remember my 18th...

have we totally finished our contact or whatever?
or is he just busy? or am i just too eager to stop speaking to him?

...not eager in the sense that i hate him or anything and i don't wanna speak to him...
but it's just... there's nothing more to our friendship anymore.... it's finished.. what's the point in tryna drag it on, when there's nothing there??

I know i SHOULD wish him happy birthday... if it was anyone else, friend, stranger, enemy i'd atleast wish them... but it's only with him when i get proud... that i feel that if he hasn't made any effort to contact me, why should i contact him?!
but at the same time, i remember just how much he meant to me, and how much he helped me...and that i owe it to him to still be nice to him and speak to him once in a while...

... sometimes i try and think what would've happened had i not misinterpreted my feelings?
would we still have been close friends?
it's only NOW that i've let Mimi and Mumu in my life totally!... before that it was only Shaaf who knew EVEYRTHING... i had a real friendship with him...

and to this day, i haven't met someone who i shared that same... connection... with...
i mean yea i love my mimi and mumu... and the rest of the M crew... but... Shaaf was... different...

maybe because i never had a brother figure in my life, i put him on a pedestal... i dunno... but i totallly looked up to him...
he motiviated me to do well on my GCSE's... no one else...
i mean, yea, my parents told me to do well, my mates were competing with me... but it didn't make me FEEEEEEL like i wanted to PROPERLY put myself into it...

it was Shaaf who saved me from myself those nights when i was being a mentalist....
not Mumu, not Ell, not Babey... it was Shaaf...
i still think what might have happened had he not spokened to me that night... i woulda just gone straight to sleep and have an overload of drugs messing around in my body....


...He is still really important to me, no matter how much i try and tell myself he isn't...
yea, i've gotten over the fact that we don't speak anymore... i've gotten over the fact that he speaks to Em still and sometimes even Ell and not me...
but it doesn't mean that i don't pray for him, that i don't care for him...

if i could... i would've called him up at 12am and wished him happy bday...
but, thing's aren't that simple...
things have changed, and i've left it too long to go crawling back to him...
i doubt he even remembers anything...

...Happy Birthday Angel... i pray Allah showers his blessings on you and that you get your hearts desires.... love from, Asshole....