Learning you.

I sat under the stars on my roof.
My special roof, that nobody else can seem to get on...
Musiq Soulchild serenades me, as I lean back against my window pane. A breeze danced around my hair, making me hug myself.
A smile crept up on my face.

It had been a while since we had spoken, and even longer since our last rendezvous, and as I sat, perched in the dark, each one of my nerve endings burnt against the crisp air.
I must put up a challenge; my pussy was wet with a few simple words from him.

I was reliving everything, from start to finish...
I wanted him like no other.

In the time that we disappeared from each other, he was still alive in my mind.
I thought about his life; what I knew and what I didn’t.
Being a curious cat, I wondered about things like what he ate for dinner, did we wear socks to sleep, where did he go for after works drinks.

My mind slithered into darker waters, too.
I speculated what he looked like as he fucked her.
Did he sigh as he came rushing into her mouth?
Perhaps, he thought of me as he lifted her arse and pushed himself inside, pulling her down so that he could whisper decadent filth into her ear as he took her deeply, completely?
I had imagined him parting her flesh with his tongue, slowly lapping at her swollen cunt.
Her hands scratching at his shoulders as she grinded against his nose.
His adept fingers tickling her clitoris, before sliding in and out of her slick pussy.
Was he provoked with thoughts of me as he pleasured her?

How much did I infiltrate his world?
It was a question I had asked myself over and over.
Countless times.
Would he sit down and contemplate the same about the little girl?
I found myself lost in visions of our coupling of flesh regularly;
his dick using me;
using each part of my body as he climaxed in me, over me, with me, no position unknown and every orgasm heady.
I saw him marking me. Slaps, bites, scratches, burns.
I imagined our lovemaking desperate and raw, our bodies thrashing together in the primal heat we had stoked over such a long time…


I wanted to know every part of him instead of the few fragments I had grown to love.
I wanted to learn him, just as he had begun to learn me.

...'Cause when I pack my bags, it won't be for Vacation.

So, Wednesday morning, I had a chat with Quasi.
The kind that we used to have.
The Deep Shit.

He feels that my family are holding me back.
He's not the first person to say that.
...but he's the first person I've taken seriously about it all.

It's got me thinking.
When's the right time?
When do I say, I'm not the person you think you know... I've been living a different life for several years... I have no intention of following the life plan that you hope, wish and pray for...
When do I mention that I have no interest in all the things that they push me towards...?
How do I build up that courage...?

Knowing fully well that there's a good chance it'll go belly up, and I'll move further away from where I want to be.

Today, whilst washing up, it hit me.
I can't carry it on with Quasi.
No matter how long I wait, it's not going to happen.

So, I should forget, right?
I should work towards pleasing the Parents.
Atleast, calm one part of my life...
Makes a bit of sense.

...but, I can't give up Ness.
I've spent the past three years building up Ness.
Creating the person who fits me best.
Growing into the mould.
More than that, I've spent the past five years working on myself...
Finding out who I am, what I believe, what I don't believe, when I feel happy, when I feel sad...
...Am I supposed to give all that away?
Go back to the girl who wears fleeces and has no opinion on anything?

Do I forget my desires?
My dreams to live in an apartment in a Cosmopolitan city... My dreams to work in Event Management... My dreams to live in New Zealand, go for a Yoga retreat in the South of Spain, learn to swim properly, take part in a musical of some sort, focus on my writing, work at a Summer Camp in America... and so many more smaller, unimportant dreams, like stay out until early morning and not worry about whether I should find a place other than my bed to sleep in, 'cause it's too late...
or, even, just spend the day out and not have anyone to answer to...

What about my desires as a girl?
The wishes, hopes and prayers that every girl has...
I don't want to get married...
Unless, it's with the right person.
That means Non-Bengali, and Non-Muslim.

I mentioned the other day, Quasi was talking about our possible children.
I woke up.
For so long, I've been so blasé about these things.
I don't want to get married, I don't want children, I don't care if I never fall in love, I don't want or need a family of my own...
I do.
I really do.
...but not how it's been written for me.

I wish there could be some compromise, where we'd be both happy...
But, the only compromises that I can think of, involve me bending over backwards and being unhappy, just so that they're not sad.
I can't ever make them happy, so I'm not even going to try anymore.

I'm rambling.
None of this is planned, at all.
...Free Thoughts.

Which is why, I can't remember what was said on Wednesday morning much.

I just know that I can't just up and leave, because my family are holding me back.
A day's going to come, when I'll just pack my bags... and it won't be for a holiday.

Self Explanatory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmnJHSESFHg

Peaks and Troughs...

The past two days have been the first time I haven't had to worry about work (much), or family.
I've been able to be myself, and have fun for myself.

Yes. I saw The HunchBack.
I spent the night with him... but that's not the only reason for my being ever so happy.

I met up with a few other people.
...and I loved their company.
Tuesday, I was treated to Pizza Express, a walk down South Bank, and I was taken to Tate Modern... which I was a bit disappointed by, there weren't so many things that caught my attention, and even then, there weren't many pieces that were interesting or could be interpreted in a fun way.
But, hey, I saw a hairy muff.
That's got to say something!

Alchi was absolutely lovely.
I genuinely enjoyed his company, and didn't have evil thoughts in my head.
Not like when I met up with KbW on Wednesday morning... I was regretting asking him to meet me.
It pissed me off that he was still trying it on, when I was crying into his shoulder.
Yea.

Oh, before I forget.
...because I will.
I saw a Chandler/Matthew Perry Look A Like.
I also saw Mme. Douglas.
She didn't know who I was.
She obviously hates me. I remembered on my way home that she used to give us a months' worth of work to do in one night.
I never used to do them well.

I also went to the o2...
Watched a movie, watched people, watched myself dance...
I really enjoyed myself.
Ma protegé was absolutely amazing. She reminds me of my younger self so much.
But, with self-belief, determination and a direction.

...and yes, seeing the HunchBack was beautiful.
We went for Maki, Ice Creams and a walk under the London Eye...
Even someone like me, who hates Romance, appreciated the beauty of being with someone you have feelings for in the middle of a buzzing crowd, music of so many different styles, people of diferent ages, walks of life etc... Yet, for the first time, you don't people watch.
You're so into what's going on with you.

I hardly slept.
Well, whenever I did finally manage to drift off, I'd feel him between my legs again.
I'm not complaining, though; it was Heaven.
For a few hours, I was free.
I had no neurotic thoughts, no worries, no doubts... I wasn't thinking in the past or the future.
I was just being in the moment.
...and I experienced that moment with Quasi.

We discussed what we'd name our child if I fell pregnant. We discussed what options I would have, and that we should run away and get married.
All nothing but talk...
But, for a girl like me, the butterflies in my tummy just wouldn't settle.
Resulting in my not being able to stomach breakfast.

I told him about my OD story.
...it took everything in me not to cry and break down in his arms.
He told me how he had faith in me, and how he saw big things in store, if only I put my enthusiasm and love into whatever I do.
I have friends who say I'm capable of grand things, but it's all a bit superficial when people say thigns like that.
Even if it is Kenan.
Maybe I'm wearing Rose Coloured Sparkly Shades, but Quasi's conviction seemed genuine and heartfelt.

I spent most of Wednesday weeping.
..because I realised I still had hope.

I called him when I got home, to let him know I wasn't abducted by aliens.
He was out grabbing a bite to eat, and said he'd call later.
He did.
I was half asleep.
He turned cold.

It doesn't help when people like Grumpster and Pop are upset that you forgot to even think of them.
...and they don't even want to hear your apology, they just want you to suffer.
Well, congratulations.

An incredible high ended with a sharp low.

Pussy

Apparently, I ended it with The HunchBack a few days before my birthday.

...Which is why I'm still up at 1.45 am on a Tuesday morning, hoping that by some form of telepathic wizardry, he'll know that I just want to... well talk.
to him.
..and be in his company.

Yes.
I am a girl.
I think about cuddles, and sweet nothings.
I have tears in my eyes, yet I feel that I have nothing substantial to cry about.

I don't even know whether he still has feelings.
for Ness.

Is it right to get so worked up over an almost relationship?

Who am I kidding when I talk about our goings on?
Apart from me, clearly, obsessing about him, there's not much to it.
Is there?

I hate it.
I build myself up like this everytime.
I tell myself that I should let it go.
Not let it affect me.
If we fuck, we fuck.
That's it.
Pure Fuckage.

I toughen myself up, become that confident girl who carries on carrying on.
I have fun, and become that girl who oozes contagious enthusiasm.

...Then out of nowhere, he pops up again.
and I'm a girl, again.

...and I can't even tell him about these thoughts, the frustration that I have no idea what's going on.
I don't know whether to say I like him, or lust him.
The fact that I still don't know the basics about him, yet I've told him more than anyone could find out even if they were stalking me.

I know I always mention the Sex.
Yes, I love it with him.
...but I don't just miss that.

It's never been about Sex.
That was just my cover up.
I am a stupid girl, with a poonani and bastard feelings.

I remember how easy it was to start talking to him.
It was like rearranging your room, and sleeping in a new corner for the first night.
Safe, but, exciting.
We probably spent four months texting back and forth, before we did anything.
Then Summer stole him away... and I got him back that Autumn.
It was light and fun for two years.
The dynamics changed during Christmas.
Feelings were mentioned, and things weren't so carefree anymore.

WhirlWind.
I got caught up in the silent promises that were never spoken.
The assurance that made me take the first step to facing my fear of heights, the sincerity of his condolences...
Fuck it, even the amount of time he spent devoted to making me comfortable, rather than forcing himself upon me...

...and everytime I yearn for him and then realise that there's nothing, I feel like Cameron Diaz in The Sweetest Thing.
The scene after she finds out, that after travelling over three hours to find the guy she went crazy for after meeting him for ten minutes, and just screams.
I feel like that.
Only, I don't have a suitable time nor place for it.

Pop asks all the time about the other guys.
KbW and Taylor... and to some extent the guy who calls me Nuno...
They don't do anything for me.
I need 'Modo, if I want to.

...pathetic.

Impulsive...?

So, we decided to meet up today.

Grumpster and I.

...but he had to shoot off to court.

Yes, I have a thing for people who have an invisible chain that drags them to the courts all the time.

So, I went and had a wax.

A bit more pleasurable than usual;

Sally touched my clit, and then pressed into it each time she ripped out more hairs...

Hers fingers gently stroked against it whilst she worked on my lips.

I think she was doing it on purpose, because I knew I was wetter than usual.

She did my ArseCrack really weird, too.

It felt like she was ringing my sphincter, as if to tickle it.

On a normal day, I have to change my knickers after a wax session.

Today, I had to peel my knickers off because I was so wet.

I decided to get my hair cut today, too.

Just because I was walking past Kenan's hairdresser.

I walked up the steps, and in a matter of seconds I was leaning against the sink and having bosoms thrust in my face, whilst the lady washed my hair.

I only wanted a bit of a trim and shape put back in...

I really didn't want to change it much.

I mentioned how it had become a mop and was really heavy.

She said she'd thin it out...

My hair is now short and really thin.

But I like it.

I then walked back into Town.

I was meant to go to New Look for a new pair of Pumps.

Instead, I went for Sushi...

...on my own, may I add?

I've always found it hard to dine on my own.

...but a place like Basaba or Yo! Sushi makes it quite fun.

I'd never sit down at KFC on my own, though.

I managed to do a Mind Map for BAYS and sort out some paperwork.

Things I didn't need to do, but felt I had to, right at that moment in time.

Vatti called then, and I gave some blasé story...

I realised, I had only meant to pop out for an hour... It had been three.

I paid, and left.

...and lied.

I said I'd take the next bus back, when in fact my feet were taking me towards New Look.

A cardigan, strapless dress, pumps and bags of SuperDrugs and Boots goodies later, I was waiting at the bus stop.

I pulled the cardi out of the bag, and put it on straight away.

Bright Pink.

I ran up the stairs as soon as I got home.

My neon pink heels.

I hadn't touched them since I bought them.

I laid them out in front of the mirror, and I stripped.

Everything.

Clips, socks, nail varnish.

The heels were too bright to battle with anything else, but my body.

I slowly started to put on the different clothes I had accumulated in the past Summer months.

I cloaked myself in Vanity, and the camera started flashing.

Yes...
I texted Quasi... and read that I arranged to meet up with him on Friday night.
Spend the night.
It won't happen, and I never would ask something like that, but today Impulse took over.

Missing HunchBack

So, it's been almost six months since I last saw Quasi.
It's been almost three months since I last had a decent conversation with my 'Modo.

I miss him.

But then, isn't this how I've spent the past two Summers?
He gets busy, I get busy, we forget about each other and go about our lives until one day during September we decide to check if the other is alive.

Why should this Summer be any different?
What, because I opened my legs to him?
Or caught myself wanting to say those three poncy words to him a few times?
Or because when he told me abouthis famil's plans, he mentioned how he had developed feelings for me?

It shouldn't change.

It doesn't stop me from missing him, though.

He's the only person who makes me feel like a vulnerable person.
Everyone else sees the Ness who takes care of her family.. the Ness who uses a screwdriver better than she does a dustpan and brush.. the Ness who has depended on no one but herself for the past four years.
They don't see the Ness who runs crying to Quasimodo whenever the tiniest thing upsets her... the Ness who needs Quasi's reassurance that her ideas and decisions will work... the Ness who depends on her 'Modo to keep her calm and focused.

So, I guess he's a weakness.
...and I should get rid.
...but this is the battle between desire, free will and sense.

With all the shit that's been going on recently, I really just wanted a good fuck session and get all the tension and emotions out of my system.
...but, how can I do that when I know that he's probably busy with rishta meetings, one after the other?
That, and we always miss each other on the phone.
I spoke to him briefly last Wednesday night, and I broke into tears straight away.
I said it was because I had an awful day, with driving and my uncle and stuff... But, I actually didn't know why I was crying so much.
Looking back, I guess it was then that I realised how much I had actually missed him since I last saw him in February.

Everything about the DeepNessy situation was fucked.
I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it.
Even Kenan gets pissed off when I mention him.
Smushy doesn't want to know.
...and all I want to do is offload.
I want to tell them how amazing he is in bed, and how much I miss him biting me.
I just don't have that chance, though.

Common sense tells me what to do.
I'm just too fucking stubborn to listen.
I am a three year old who keeps thinking about that toy on the adverts.
I want to stomp my feet, and scream until I get it.
...but I can't.

...and I know I can't.
That's what's even more upsetting.

Random Words.

Phone. Reminiscing. Frustration. Absence. Musiq SoulChild. Darkness.
Glow. Yawn. Hunger. Shorts. Legs. Hot. Sex. Deep. Regrets.
Gentleman. NeYo. Emotions. Exhaustion.
Goose Bumps. on. Breasts. Check? Deep. Tears.

All Work and No Play keeps Ness from Blogging

So, I've been working full time for five months.
Today, I've started my reduced hours.
It feels weird, and I haven't got anything done.
Considering I've got a back log of things to do, this really isn't a good thing.

The past five months have been strange.
I've had no break.
Working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week really is something that I wish everyone would experience.
You're always looking for your next break.
You forget about lunch and dinner, and instead fantasise about biscuits, carrots and other nibbles.
You pride yourself on being able to back up files on to an external hardrive, yet, you still avoid analysing those surveys that are now gathering dust.

It's strange.

You're organised, but things get past you.
Day to day things run so smoothly, when everything else is falling apart.
You can't remember which meeting's minutes you have to type up next, so you just leave them all in your to do pile.
...and when the pile gets too big, you shove it under your desk and create another pile.

Your life becomes work.
You don't sleep... for days, weeks, months.
You stop being awake.
You're in a constant state of fuzziness.

You get to work early so you can print off things ready for the day...
You busy yourself with your administrative tasks, and when the office, the fun begins.
The meetings.
Three hours a night of absolute PakiNess.
Doesn't matter what organisation, event, project it is.
It's the same faces, same catchphrases, same food.
Rice and Curry or Pizzas.
Some days if you're lucky, the hosts might forget and go for a mad dash in Tesco and you get cream doughnuts.
Nothing is ever done at these meetings.
They just need you to attend and waste away your hours.
This is how I spend my weeknights.

Apart from Fridays.
Fridays are Yoga Days.
I have my full lunch in the day time, and spend the day preparing for the strenuous routines that the instructor will put us through that evening.

I used to have Belly Dancing evenings, too.
But they were sacrificed, for my Islamic School Lessons.
Yes.
I teach at an Islamic School.
The very thoughts and ideas that I hate with a passion, I am feeding to children in KS1.
In my eyes, I am Evil.
In the school's eyes, I am Evil.

I remember the story about the Crow and the PeaCocks.
I am not a Crow.
...but I have to pretend.

Ah, the joys of working in the community.
I have become a well known face.
A much loved person - this I say without any cockiness at all.
It would be impossible to keep anything from the city, now.

Yet, there are only three people in the city who know of my well kept secret.
No, not about Quasimodo.
The other secret.
The dangerous one.
The religion secret.

Imagine how it would go down, now, if I came out clean?
Disaster.
I'd lose my fan base.

I really do have to be "good".
...so, this Islamic School stint is good.
It lets people think that I am a "good" girl.
So, what, I don't wear Hijaab, and I don't give my salaam to you every five minutes... I'm not a naughty girl, am I?

Sometimes, I wonder whether I could make it in the world of Thesbianism.
Is that even a word?
My eyes have been able to water at the drop of a hat.
My skin can become pale at my every whim.
My sorrow can be masked by my outgoing persona... and my bubbly persona can be erased with frowns and make-belief anger.
Could even the leading actors and actresses do the kind of shit that I come up with on a daily basis?
I think not.

Though, I think I need to practise more on how to act when dealing with emotions and attachment.
Yes.
Quasi's seen real tears, and real smiles.
He's heard real disappointment and real hopes.
Which is why I'm glad that we don't speak as much as we used to.

He's busy, and I'm busy.
We can never catch each other.
Which is good.
I can wean myself off him.

...but it's meant that I've not played or has an orgasm since the end of April.
I've now learnt the true meaning of Frustration.
I walk around with sopping panties almost everyday.
Thank Fuck that it's been warm enough to wear skirts.
The smallest thing sets me off, and all I can do is think about having Quasimodo between my legs again.
More often than not, I fear that I'll never experience it again.
...and I try my hardest to cling on to memories.
But, I'm a crazy bat with memory issues.

When you wake up in the middle of the night, and find your bullet on your belly, still vibrating, you experience a new kind of low.
Have things got so bad... so hectic... so pushed for time that you can't even start a Play Time without knocking out?

Pictures and a Thousand Words.

Thank you to my very lovely Bitch.

Possibly the best Birthday Presents I've ever received.

Wild Cherries Body Butter and All.

Random Words:

Tingle. Scratch. Neck. Bite. Mojito. Ice. Trickle. Quilt. Lick. Lobe. Towel.

Deep. Rub. Skin. Maki. Socks. Ness. Lotion. Red. Cock. Lips. Wrap.

Skirt. Trees. Sleeve Garters. Fingers. Thrust. Pillow. Wipe. Lady.

Chop Sticks. Stubble. Stroke. Coffee. Shower. Table. Alone. Heel. Gentleman.

Carmex. Wax. Nose. Cuddle. Vest.

Happy Birthday, Ness.

So I turned Twenty One two weeks ago today.

A bittersweet day, that in a few months' time will blur into just sensory memories of Good and Bad.

The week before, Deep and I had decided it was best to call it quits.
I spent the weekend weeping, out of helplessness... Who could I turn to (who wouldn't say "I told you so..."), why did I let it get this far...?

Sometimes it's best not to ask questions, and just cry and get it out of your system.
...Sometimes, that method doesn't work.

Especially, when you're fighting a losing battle with your family, and Deep was one person who could take an objective view and help you, rather than belittle you and laugh at you.
Mi hermana mayor and I hadn't been speaking since Snow Week.
No major reason, just the general build up of negativity.
It had been brewing since Bangladesh... or maybe before?

Mother, the day after my Birthday, arranged a counselling session with her best friend (who's also my Boss) to sort out my issues.
Glad it took you only 21 years to realise that I have feelings, too.


The fact that Mi HErmana mayor made such a big song and dance out of throwing me a surprise party pissed me off, too.
...and it meant that I had to try and be nice to her, otherwise, as usual I'd be the arse.

The night before my birthday was spent with the girls at Pizza Express.
Food, and lots of chatting.
Absolutely bullshit, but we had fun.
...and we bonded.
Schmymes finally met Kenan after so long!
Two of my closest friends were together in the same room to celebrate my birthday.
Just reading that back is strange.
Why would people want to celebrate my birth, my life, me?!
Sincerely... may I add.

It was a very loving night.

My actual birthday, I spent at work.
I dressed up pretty, and went in, no expecting anything.
I actually was gong to ask if we could eat lunch together, but I didn't get a chance, because my colleagues got together with a present and chocolate cake and walked in to the office.

It was a really lovely day.
I enjoy working where I do.
My colleagues are my friends.
I care for them, and they care for me.
It's a family, almost.

Walking back home, I really thought it was the end of my celebrations.
I called up Kenan, just for a chat.
Walked in, put my keys on the washing machine, and was ready to run to the loo; phone still stuck to my ear...
My dad stopped me and said "I think they want you to go to the living room", the living room door, I noticed, was closed.
Realisation swept through my entire body.
Why the fuck?!
I grumbled and walked in.
I did not expect, in a million years, to see Wazowski, nor Schmymes.
All the negativity left my body for the few minutes in which I was basking in the love of my friends.
Then I see ma soeur ainee at the table, with all the food she had made.
I felt so much rage, but all I could do was force a smile.

I've already said that I don't appreciate the FakeNess.
...but I did get to spend my milestone birthday with those who love me, and those who I care for...
So what if I didn't go out on a piss?

The Eye of the Storm.

Calm.
Still.
Silence.
It's all quite unnerving.

The tears have stopped flowing.
The nights haven't been so restless.
...and the eczema seems to have been kept at bay.

I guess rearranging my room has helped.
Everytime I've felt absolutely hopeless, I've changed my room around.
Pushing heavy furniture around really does take the stress out.
Yoga on Friday nights is another great stress buster.

I guess my new phone helps as well.
(The cool Nokia 5000 that I managed to get for £1.99!)
I've had the ear phones plugged in for the past four days, and just having proper music to tune out to has been more than a relief.
(Yes, I still haven't got an iPod... Let's see if I can keep it up for another couple of years.)

But I'm not stupid to think that it's all over now.
...There's more to come.
The storm isn't over yet.

That doesn't mean I don't welcome the break from the upsetNess that had overtaken my life.
It's actually helped.
I had my first driving lesson in over a year and a half... and I've written my personal statement for UCAS... I just need to ask Salman Khan if he could be my referee.
I've decided to drop my job at the Optician's as much as I love it.
I have become capitalised.
I went for money, instead of satisfaction.
I'm going to be at the local Bengali Community Centre full time, doing shit all.
It probably won't help with my stress problem, but hey, money is money.
...and when you've got an arse like Kumar threatening you for money, it's an amazing offer.

The ad I put on GumTree has been far less than fruitful...
The only realistic person I've managed to find to take salsa is a girl... Lol.
But, on the plus side, I've found lots of weird ePeople to have random conversations with.
Oh.
I've found some very Yummy ePeople, indeed.
They correct my English!
One can converse with me in French!
The other one is just a psycho!
I'm in eLove.

...and I've become an eWhore.
I'm so quick to give out pictures.

But, no, they're no way near Quasimodo's eCharm.
He was meant to fuck me this weekend just gone.
Ok. He doesn't/didn't know that.
I just wanted it to happen.
...and it didn't.

But, I spoke to him on Friday.
...and he just made me melt.
When he speaks, it's like his words trickle down me like the steaming hot stream of water that I inch into every morning for my shower.
They make me shivver, but feel so warm at the same time.

...but the cosy duvet will be snatched away from me.
I can feel it.
Ma Soeur Ainee's shenanigans have only just been brought to my parent's attention.
They've only seen the tip of the iceberg.
There's more to piss them off.
...and the anger they'll feel will be then taken out on me.

...I must be prepared.

Ramblings...

I might have a job.
I start my "two week trial period" on Monday.
I sound like a product.

It's a tiny Optician's, with a woman who drools and has shakey eyes.

The Job Centre gave me £100 to spend on new clothes.
I abused it!
Not as much as I should have, though.
Oh well, two tops, three pairs of trousers, a skirt, and a pair of shoes isn't that bad, considering I didn't pay for them at all.

Amana still haven't got back to me about when they're starting.
=(
I was counting on that job.

Kumar messaged me again.
"Seeing as it's November now, when are you going to get my money to me?"
Lol.
She's so fucking up her arse.
She has three jobs.
Why is she so desperate to have a few pounds given back to her each month?
She knows I can't give it all back in one go.

Quasi is cute.
I've had dreams where I've used the L word with him.
... and I don't care that it's all doom and gloom in the future.
'Cause it's nice and fuzzy right now.

OMG.
My battery died in my vibe.
After 11 months, I was so shocked, and almost upset.
I forgot how powerful it is, though.

I think my Eczema's coming back.
I've had that weird Face Patch for over a year now.
..and now I've spotted patches on my arm that I keep itching.
Bring on the BetnoVate.

This extra horniness is adding to my SchlagNess.
I'm leading on a few guys, and I can't stop.
But none of them are like Quasi...
...Taylor comes VERY close, though.
Yum Yum Yum...

I love Tropicana.

I've been Viagra'd...

The past week has been very frustrating.
I've been horny non-stop since Friday.
I could have a frat slip and slide party going on in my pants right now.

I've been turned on in my sleep, too.
...and I've texted Taylor and Quasi whilst in a semi-concious state.

I'm actually sore from the amount of playtime I've had.
...but I can't stop.

I think I should've gone in for the kill when I was with Taylor last week.
I should've sat on his lap, and grinded away into bliss.

I so need a good seeing to.

Quasi says 4-6 weeks.
I don't think I can wait that long.
I think the next time I see him will be It.
I can't wait...

The thought of having him inside me is just too much right now.

....and it's Half Term so the kids are home and I've not got any privacy at all.
I think I might kill myself.

What's going on in her head...?

Random words:

Bed sheets. Bra. AntiSeptic. Boobies. Money. Vibrator. MouthWash. Job Search. Kiss. Vomit. Southern Comfort. Bum. Bite. My Skirt. Alone. Temperature. Moan. Fever. Bite. Skin. Headache. His Floor. Stupid Sister.

...DeepNessy...

I wrote this last year.

The sun fell between the leaves of the big tree and dappled across her face,
highlighting her eyelashes as she slowly fluttered her eyes and finally closed
them again. She lay under the tree, on her front with her head rested on her
crossed arms. She welcomed the rays of sunshine that bell in between the leaves
and on her bare skin…
Deep leant back against the tree and continued to
caress her foot with an ear of corn. He moved it gingerly up and down the sole
of her foot, hardly letting the little fibres touch her skin. The sudden contact
would surprise and tickle her, making her curl her toes and let out a giggle…
She was spending the weekend in a countryside cottage, which was her idea of
Hell. However, it turned out that she felt as if she were in paradise; with the
warm sun massaging her back, the smell of freshly cut grass and lack of noise
awakening her senses… & Deep’s company…
He could see the smug look on
her face as she smiled to herself, and his own lips curled into a smile. He was
in a playful mood and wanted her to wake up from her daydream. He got on all
fours and crawled towards her, so that he was able to look at the freckles on
her bronzed back. He gently blew on her neck, knowing it would stir her from her
peaceful state. She let out a small gasp and shrugged her shoulders to reveal a
curve in her back, starting from the bottom of her neck to where her dress
started. Even through the thin white material, he could see that it ended at her
lower back. Feeling mischievous, he stroked the ear down the curve; making her
squirm more the lower he moved it. He stopped abruptly when he reached the
bottom, allowing her to move to a more comfortable position to play with him,
but she curled her legs under her and went back to daydreaming in the sun.
Deep wasn’t satisfied, the sight of her exposed mocha coloured skin was
creating thoughts in his mind, which resulted in a rapid increase in size at his
crotch.
He reached over to the basket of fruit and brought a grape to his
lips. He bit into the deep red fruit, releasing its juices. He placed the sweet,
soft, pink flesh between his lips and pressed his body against hers as he
reached over for her arm. He kissed her slowly up the arm, letting the juice
from the grape fall on her skin. The feeling of each droplet on her bare skin
felt intense as she squeezed her eyes shut and felt him throbbing against the
small of her back. Deep began to use his tongue to gently flick the juice off
her and she responded by letting out a barely audible moan.
He took this as
a sign of approval and continued sucking and licking the juice up her arm. He
got to Nessy’s neck and reached around to her other shoulder and turned her
over, so that she was lying on her back.
She unhurriedly opened her eyes to
look at him, her fingers delicately tracing the contours of his chest, his
breath softly moving the hairs around her neck. She let out a sigh, and then
smiled, only to find Deep smirking at her. Nessy tenderly smoothed her finger
over his bottom lip, using her other hand to slowly bring his face closer to
hers. She closed her eyes and tasted the cocoa butter lip balm that she had
forced on him a few hours ago. Her lips massaged his bottom lip, whilst playing
with his earlobe between her index and middle finger. Dee attempted to use his
tongue, when she turned her face and pushed him away. She smiled coyly and bit
her bottom lip, only making him get more frustrated.
With no warning, like a
vampire, he went for her neck making her writhe and squirm under all the
pressure, she arched her back and dragged her nails down his back. She felt
herself pulsate between her legs and moved her hands back to his chest, her
hands feeling their way under his shirt, her nails lightly passing over his
navel. Whilst moving further down with his kisses, Deep guided her hand down his
trousers gently, holding her hand in his, together they wrapped their hands
around his shaft. He let go of her hand and started stroking her thigh, making
her grip him a bit tighter. He pushed her dress up higher, and parted her legs
slightly; he then carried on letting his finger flutter against her skin,
travelling inwards and upwards until he reached her knickers.
She released
her grip and moved her fingers up towards his snail trail and lightly tickled
his skin, hoping that by doing so, Deep would follow suit. Her black-netted
knickers were becoming damp, and she felt there to be a warmth trying to rise up
outside of her; she yearned for his fingers to brush the material to one side,
and finally, dance inside her. Deep gently traced the patterns of the
butterflies on her knickers, lightly, with hardly any pressure, so that his
fingers couldn’t be felt on her skin, just the movement of the material. Nessy
inhaled and bit her lip, her nails slightly scraping his skin, she tried hard to
keep her eyes open but they refused to obey her mind and were tightly shut. His
thumb rubbed at the butterfly that was situated directly on top the opening of
her lips, making her whimper and raise her lower body towards him; she
desperately wanted him to touch her pounding sweet spot. His fingers ran up the
net, and he played with the pink satin ribbon, making it rub against the skin on
her tummy. He tucked a finger under the waistline and felt the contrast of
textures between the satin ribbon at the waistline and the net; he enjoyed
seeing her crave him to be inside her and carried on playing with the fabric
whilst watching her facial muscles tense and crumple up if he accidentally let
his fingers glide over her skin.
Unsatisfied with the way things were going,
Nessy curled her fingers around his sack, and tightened her grip, making him
flinching his hands away from her. She looked at him under her creased forehead,
her eyes strong and dark – she meant business. She traced her fingers back up
from under his pants, to his chest up to his neck… she massaged his jaw and
nibbled on his bottom lip… Her hand forced his down under her knickers; she felt
relieved and let go of his lips and let her pleasure be known by moaning loudly.

He said it was almost Mills and Boons-ish.
He did like it, though.
Maybe I should write another one?
...We still haven't fulfilled that fantasy.
The Downs really isn't the best place...
But, I've been thinking, and the park behind our old house is perfect.

Where do I stand...?

It's the question that I've asked myself so much this year, that I'm starting to not care anymore.

Kumar hates me.
...and I don't know why.
Still.
The only thing that I can think of, which might have pissed her off, is when I avoided her for a while.
She lied to me, and I was angry.
Surely, I'm allowed time out to calm myself down... Right?

She absolutely hates my guts, and was using FaceBook (for a while) to get back at me... Petty; on both our parts.
Hers for even doing it, and mine for getting so bothered.
I know for sure that she's spent entire nights with "The Girls" (something she wouldn't have, if it weren't for me... No offence to her or her social skills) bitching about me.
Yes, Kenan is a really good mate, and is quite loyal in situations like this.

All I have to do now, is pay Kumar back (a hefty £400.. That's what she's saying, I'm going to double check), get my shoes, books, DVDs and clothes back, and then I can just get out of her life.

It's weird, isn't it?
You think someone's your best friend, a sister (to an extent), almost a soul mate...
...and they spring this kind of crap on you...

..and then there's others, who you're the same with everyday.
Yet you want to change...
Quasi came to see me on Wednesday.
...and I turned to jelly.
Vocally, I tried my best to stay calm and resist him.
...but they say, actions speak louder than words...
and when you're in the middle of a forest with your knickers in his pocket, and his fingers inside you, i don't think you can send any stronger message than that...

It's nearly a year and a half since we first met.
... and it's getting harder and harder for me to convince myself that I can get out of it easily...
It's nearly two years that I've liked him.
...and the liking has grown into something I'm scared of.
(No, not obsession.. Although I can definately say he's my infatuation...)

I told him, that I left the house thinking I was going to end it.
But, I couldn't.
And I can't...
I need him to shag me first.

I mean, that was possibly one of the first things that ran through my mind when I first spoke to him.

He suggested we "end it" but carry on doing the fun stuff...
But then what would I be ending?
So far we've both kept our feelings from each other.
Well, I've tried the best I can.
...and end of the day, the attraction was always more about the physical.

But.
I.
Don't.
Know.

I have no idea where I stand...

Oh.. er, Hello. I forgot this place existed...

Yes.
I'm horrible.
I neglected my Blog.

Sorry.

But, I'm back now, and hope to blog a bit more regularly than I have so in the past.

So, I guess a catch up is in order?


Well, this year hasn't been good to me.

As I've mentioned before, I've had two bereavements, the family had a financial crisis, i had (and am still having) issues/doubts/worries about my life and so i dropped out of uni and now I'm going to work for a year, I stopped speaking to Kumar for a good three months.
Oh, and the usual "Where do I stand" problem with Quasimodo.


I don't understand how things got so bad with Kumar... Just that slowly, one thing after another, she began to annoy me... and so I avoided her. Which annoyed her...
...then after a month of not talking to each other, she just came out with "I guess that's the end of our friendship"...
..and she acted like it was the end of a relationship, she asked for all her things back, and she started giving bits and pieces of my stuff back...
She also became petty, and used Facebook to show that she was living life without me.
The girl, that I basically was surgically attachd to for three years, had moved on and I was left with nothing, it seemed.
I guess it felt like that, 'cause of all my family problems, and i had no job and nothing to do with my time anymore.

But Kenan was there for me, and so was Shmeegal.. so I managed fine.
...and I ended up getting a permanent job; I teach KS1 children at a supplementary weekend school... I can't wait to go back in October.

Quasimodo became immensely busy; expected.
Wedding Season and all...
He became an M.D of a Law Firm, as well... So is now more busier than he used to be.
To be honest, with everything going wrong this year, I think by January it's all going to go downhill for us...
I wish it didn't.
I think I love him.

I spent a month in Bangladesh...
How I let myself get on that plane, I do not know..
I guess, 'cause I was busy taking care of mum, I kind of forgot that it was Bangladesh I was going to.
Oh, yea... Mum had a collapsed lung.
Scariest Shit in my life.
I thought she was going to die. Seriously.
..but she's a soldier, and the day she came back from hospital she started cleaning up again.
Stupid Lady.

Bangladesh itself was alright.
Better than I expected, but I still cried most nights.
There's an 18/19 year old boy over tehre who thinks I'm his girlfriend.
Fun(!)
I think it was hte most expensive holiday, ever.
We spent atleast 500 a day! Pounds, not Takas...

I've started speaking to MakaVeli again.
Oh. Dear.
He gives me attention, when I want it.
It's on tap.
...But he never makes me come as well as Quasi...
I've also started speaking a lot to Taylor. He's so Yummy.
I find myself fancying him a lot these days. ...and he knows it.
If only he didn't have issues like I did ('Modo style issues) then I would try to take it further.
Blatantly, I just want to lick his face.

Ma Soeur Ainee and I have been geting much better...
I think she classes me as a friend... I don't know.
But, it's been helpful, especially with this Kumar business.
Kenan's been amazing as well.

TrouserSnake, on the other hand, has cut off all contact with me as well.

2008 has not been kind to me, at all.

...Valentine's...

14th Feb... Girly Day...
The one day in the year, that I can truly dedicate to my girls...
That I will put aside everything else in my life, and only concentrate on my friends...

It's never about what the rest of the world do...
No, it's never bout Valentine's...
I've never worried about being dateless, or not having roses etc...

Yes, I've sent secret admirers cards... but to my girlfriends...
Never to any male interests... (unless they've been nothing but jokes)...
It's always been about my girls...

So today, why does my mind keep wandering off?
When I look at my roses, why do I keep hoping they were from someone else?
When I fell down whilst ice skating, why did I look around to see if there was someone else to help me up?
Why do I expect him to just walk out from the crowd and surprise me?
Why do I want him to do that?
Is that why I spent over an hour getting ready today?

I've fallen, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my feelings seperate from what's actually happening.

Taylor says, if you can't be a couple, then you should leave it, full stop.
This is the advice that Nessy usually gives to Spazzle...
So why can't the owner of both personalities listen to it?

I know I should end it...
It'll only get harder... but when? and how?
and why?
I don't understand...

I've not ever had a valentine, but right now, I really wish it was Quasimodo.

Rendezvous with Silly Quasi...

I remember when I met him in May. How he brought me to the brink of an orgasm...
The way his fingers found mine, and the way they easily knitted together with mine.
Him playing with strands of my hair, as I sat in his car, embarrassed...
When he took me in to the middle of the "forest" and started playing with me.

I saw him on Thursday... Six months after...
We knew what was on the agenda. I wore red lingerie with black ribbon, and black stockings and suspender belt.
It was very cold that day, so I decided to dress very casually, conservative. No legs, boobs or skin on show.
He'd put on a bit of weight since I saw him last. But, he's still got his nyummy stubble, and firm strong arms.

He took me to Selfridges to eat at Yo! Sushi, what a load of bullhype. It wasn't anything special. ..and my stomach problems meant I couldn't eat as much as I would've liked.
I wasn't allowed to touch him, hold hands, hug him or anything whilst we were out and about. The girl, or her friends might see... Yet, when we sat down, it was perfectly fine for him to stroke my thighs under the table?
The minute we got into the car, his hands were all over me... His fingers tracing patterns over my collar bone, my thighs, my stomach...
He gave me two options, go shopping or get lost for a bit... He then said there was an alternative... We could get a room... So which one did I choose?

He sped to the hotel, not wanting to waste any time. I started getting excited already, my panties were starting to get a bit damp. He got the room key, and we stepped in to the elevator. Cue the cliche-ness. The doors closed, and we were all over each other. They opened, and we darted to different sides of the lift.
The moment we stepped in the room, he didn't give me time to take my coat off or put my bag down... He kissed me... Violently, passionately. He forced my bag from my hand, and let it drop to the floor with a loud thud. My coat was taken off and chucked on the table... He pressed into the small of my back. "Can you feel me, Ness?" He was hard.. Very hard. I started to throb even more.
I was moved to a position where we could see our reflections in the mirror. My hat was falling off, my hair a mess. His eyes looking at me hungrily. What a perve.
LoL.
"Show me your stockings,"
He unzipped my jeans, and pulled them down, bending me over the bed. My heels flung over each shoulder.
"Wow" His hands caressed and massaged my arse.

"Stand up on the bed," I looked at him with a questioning look. "Nessy, stand up on the bed, now."
I did as I was told, and he made me turn around and face the wall. I felt him finger the netted material of my knickers, then I felt a kiss, two kisses. His stubble rubbing against my smooth skin. His buried his nose into the crease, whilst he kissed me. Swiftly, he turned me around, so that I was facing him...

All of a sudden, I remembered where I was, and felt embarrassed that I had been enjoying him between my thighs, and that I was being very vocal about it. He looked at me and smirked, and went on to touch and caress me...
I closed my eyes and let myself just feel. For the first time, ever, I didn't have to worry about people hearing me, and I didn't need to suppress any noises that escaped my voice box. ...and he seemed to enjoy it.
"Oh my God, Ness, you're really wet."
His fingers fluttered against me, and my knees were turning to jelly. He brought me down to kneel on the bed, and kissed my face, my neck, and shoulder. He then pushed me down. My head hit the wall, and he immediately cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. Two extra pillows were placed under my head; I felt so safe.
He went back to playing with me, touching and feeling. He asked if I felt alright to have his finger in... and I said I needed to get more wet, it was too early. His eyes nearly popped out, apparently, I was incredibly wet already.

"Do you want my tongue down there?" He grinned and moved down the bed... I could feel him watching me, and the shyness came back. I turned to bury my face in the pillow, and he chuckled. I giggled as well, "You're such a perve" and I reached down to cover his eyes. He just kissed me harder on my thigh, making me let go and groan in pleasure.
He took my knickers off and threw them to one side, and started flicking his tongue over my clit. I was in ecstasy. I had wanted to be licked out for so long. ..and I was glad it was Quasimodo who was lapping up at me. His stubble kept rubbing against my groin and in turn, I started grinding against his face.
My legs were lifted up over his shoulders and he lifted my bum up and held them in place with his hands. Heaven couldn't feel as good as I felt then. He laid me back on the bed, reached under me and turned me over... and started using his fingers as well as licking me.
...I stopped thinking about anything, and felt almost dizzy, and that's when I felt it. A finger stroking my arsehole, and then slowly entering me. It didn't feel amazing, but it didn't feel wrong. I let him carry on, and then it just got painful. He let go immediately, and carried on using his tongue. He wrapped his strong big arms around my thighs and lifted me higher, his tongue becoming more firm and his sucking more harsher. My breathing became more and more shallow, and I was clutching at anything to make it stop.
Why?
I have no idea.
I could feel myself get closer, my body was tingling and I felt like I was having an asthma attack. LoL.

*Bang Bang Bang*
Someone was knocking on the door, never have I moved so quickly in my life. Quasi was up in a flash, too. I hid in the corner of the room, whilst he went near the door... and we waited and listened.
"It's only the hoover."
We both started laughing. A lot.
He took me by both arms and led me to the bed. "I love how quickly you get wet for me, Ness Bitch"
He took his jeans off, and looked at me to see if I was ok with it. I smiled to reassure him. He smiled back and took his dick out. I was expecting something small, from the way he always talked about it. Average size, I guess, but very thick. It looked like the nose of one of the Racoons... Lmao.
"That's so big!" I stared at it, wide eyed. He started rubbing it up and down my lips. It felt so soft, so smooth. I immediately starting to become wet again. He let out a sigh, that made me feel .. good! He spread my legs apart, and lowered himself down on me. His lips brushed against my nipples, and I noticed, that for the first time they actually looked normal. He caught me looking, and grinned. "You get off from watching, don't you?"

The last time we met was very rushed. Very cramped... and very amazing.
The cows were our audience, and the farmland our stage.
I came in costume, leopard print. Lol.
He slid his finger in me with ease this time, and I enjoyed it.
Actually that was an understatement.

It's been two months since we last met, and I've been craving him.
I want to feel his arms holding me, his rough stubble against my skin...
I want to feel him inside.