...Makes. Me. Wanna. Scream.

..or get back into bed..

The nightmares have started again.

Now it makes sense.
All those sleepless nights, being frightened of everything.
They come with stress.
..or worry..
or whatever it is the family make me feel...

It's ma soeur ainee's birthday today.
...and I'm meant to act happy, and all smiles.

Dad went and got her quite a nice cake.

It's weird.
He always waits for 12.36 to say Happy Birthday to her.
No one even remembers when I was born.
They celebrate her birthday 'cause they're happy.
They "celebrate" mine, because they think if they don't I'll get upset.

Apparently I taught Little One how to have mood swings.
No one sees that I taught him manners and how to do things for himself.
No one sees the effort I put in to teach him grammar and his time tables.
No one else answers his constant questioning with proper answers, no one takes out the time to find out about the sports he likes so that he can have a decent conversation.
No, they see me in his mood swings, they see me when he's being stubborn..

But do they see themselves in my anger, my violent behaviour, the destruction around me?
Can they not see who is behind the curses that leave my mouth?
Is it not them who taught me about aggression?

Father can't stand me.
At all.

I think he may hate me.

So, what's the point in even trying?

You clean the house, organise his papers.
You make him breakfast, coffee, bring him ice cold water in his decanter, file his feet and massage his legs...
You try your best to organise the household, you make doctors and dentist appointments, you arrange hospital appointments, you try and pick up the kids when you can...

...and he still thinks the other girls are precious, and you're just there to do their crap.