What's going on in her head...?

Random words:

Bed sheets. Bra. AntiSeptic. Boobies. Money. Vibrator. MouthWash. Job Search. Kiss. Vomit. Southern Comfort. Bum. Bite. My Skirt. Alone. Temperature. Moan. Fever. Bite. Skin. Headache. His Floor. Stupid Sister.

...DeepNessy...

I wrote this last year.

The sun fell between the leaves of the big tree and dappled across her face,
highlighting her eyelashes as she slowly fluttered her eyes and finally closed
them again. She lay under the tree, on her front with her head rested on her
crossed arms. She welcomed the rays of sunshine that bell in between the leaves
and on her bare skin…
Deep leant back against the tree and continued to
caress her foot with an ear of corn. He moved it gingerly up and down the sole
of her foot, hardly letting the little fibres touch her skin. The sudden contact
would surprise and tickle her, making her curl her toes and let out a giggle…
She was spending the weekend in a countryside cottage, which was her idea of
Hell. However, it turned out that she felt as if she were in paradise; with the
warm sun massaging her back, the smell of freshly cut grass and lack of noise
awakening her senses… & Deep’s company…
He could see the smug look on
her face as she smiled to herself, and his own lips curled into a smile. He was
in a playful mood and wanted her to wake up from her daydream. He got on all
fours and crawled towards her, so that he was able to look at the freckles on
her bronzed back. He gently blew on her neck, knowing it would stir her from her
peaceful state. She let out a small gasp and shrugged her shoulders to reveal a
curve in her back, starting from the bottom of her neck to where her dress
started. Even through the thin white material, he could see that it ended at her
lower back. Feeling mischievous, he stroked the ear down the curve; making her
squirm more the lower he moved it. He stopped abruptly when he reached the
bottom, allowing her to move to a more comfortable position to play with him,
but she curled her legs under her and went back to daydreaming in the sun.
Deep wasn’t satisfied, the sight of her exposed mocha coloured skin was
creating thoughts in his mind, which resulted in a rapid increase in size at his
crotch.
He reached over to the basket of fruit and brought a grape to his
lips. He bit into the deep red fruit, releasing its juices. He placed the sweet,
soft, pink flesh between his lips and pressed his body against hers as he
reached over for her arm. He kissed her slowly up the arm, letting the juice
from the grape fall on her skin. The feeling of each droplet on her bare skin
felt intense as she squeezed her eyes shut and felt him throbbing against the
small of her back. Deep began to use his tongue to gently flick the juice off
her and she responded by letting out a barely audible moan.
He took this as
a sign of approval and continued sucking and licking the juice up her arm. He
got to Nessy’s neck and reached around to her other shoulder and turned her
over, so that she was lying on her back.
She unhurriedly opened her eyes to
look at him, her fingers delicately tracing the contours of his chest, his
breath softly moving the hairs around her neck. She let out a sigh, and then
smiled, only to find Deep smirking at her. Nessy tenderly smoothed her finger
over his bottom lip, using her other hand to slowly bring his face closer to
hers. She closed her eyes and tasted the cocoa butter lip balm that she had
forced on him a few hours ago. Her lips massaged his bottom lip, whilst playing
with his earlobe between her index and middle finger. Dee attempted to use his
tongue, when she turned her face and pushed him away. She smiled coyly and bit
her bottom lip, only making him get more frustrated.
With no warning, like a
vampire, he went for her neck making her writhe and squirm under all the
pressure, she arched her back and dragged her nails down his back. She felt
herself pulsate between her legs and moved her hands back to his chest, her
hands feeling their way under his shirt, her nails lightly passing over his
navel. Whilst moving further down with his kisses, Deep guided her hand down his
trousers gently, holding her hand in his, together they wrapped their hands
around his shaft. He let go of her hand and started stroking her thigh, making
her grip him a bit tighter. He pushed her dress up higher, and parted her legs
slightly; he then carried on letting his finger flutter against her skin,
travelling inwards and upwards until he reached her knickers.
She released
her grip and moved her fingers up towards his snail trail and lightly tickled
his skin, hoping that by doing so, Deep would follow suit. Her black-netted
knickers were becoming damp, and she felt there to be a warmth trying to rise up
outside of her; she yearned for his fingers to brush the material to one side,
and finally, dance inside her. Deep gently traced the patterns of the
butterflies on her knickers, lightly, with hardly any pressure, so that his
fingers couldn’t be felt on her skin, just the movement of the material. Nessy
inhaled and bit her lip, her nails slightly scraping his skin, she tried hard to
keep her eyes open but they refused to obey her mind and were tightly shut. His
thumb rubbed at the butterfly that was situated directly on top the opening of
her lips, making her whimper and raise her lower body towards him; she
desperately wanted him to touch her pounding sweet spot. His fingers ran up the
net, and he played with the pink satin ribbon, making it rub against the skin on
her tummy. He tucked a finger under the waistline and felt the contrast of
textures between the satin ribbon at the waistline and the net; he enjoyed
seeing her crave him to be inside her and carried on playing with the fabric
whilst watching her facial muscles tense and crumple up if he accidentally let
his fingers glide over her skin.
Unsatisfied with the way things were going,
Nessy curled her fingers around his sack, and tightened her grip, making him
flinching his hands away from her. She looked at him under her creased forehead,
her eyes strong and dark – she meant business. She traced her fingers back up
from under his pants, to his chest up to his neck… she massaged his jaw and
nibbled on his bottom lip… Her hand forced his down under her knickers; she felt
relieved and let go of his lips and let her pleasure be known by moaning loudly.

He said it was almost Mills and Boons-ish.
He did like it, though.
Maybe I should write another one?
...We still haven't fulfilled that fantasy.
The Downs really isn't the best place...
But, I've been thinking, and the park behind our old house is perfect.

Vanity.

Here's some pictures.

...Because I love myself.

On the Dole...

I've been Jobless since April...
and last month my father made me get on the dole...

I've actually hit rock bottom, me thinks.

Maybe I'm applying to the wrong jobs?
Because for the past month, I've applied to probably three jobs a day, and I've been unsuccessful for every single one!

JobSeeker's Allowance is really crap as well, and I still owe Kumar all that money.
..but money isn't the biggest thing for me.

I'm just really, really, really, bored!
There's only so much cooking and cleaning one can do before feeling like they're going insane.

I think I might just have to go for a retail post, if I don't have a job by November.

Where do I stand...?

It's the question that I've asked myself so much this year, that I'm starting to not care anymore.

Kumar hates me.
...and I don't know why.
Still.
The only thing that I can think of, which might have pissed her off, is when I avoided her for a while.
She lied to me, and I was angry.
Surely, I'm allowed time out to calm myself down... Right?

She absolutely hates my guts, and was using FaceBook (for a while) to get back at me... Petty; on both our parts.
Hers for even doing it, and mine for getting so bothered.
I know for sure that she's spent entire nights with "The Girls" (something she wouldn't have, if it weren't for me... No offence to her or her social skills) bitching about me.
Yes, Kenan is a really good mate, and is quite loyal in situations like this.

All I have to do now, is pay Kumar back (a hefty £400.. That's what she's saying, I'm going to double check), get my shoes, books, DVDs and clothes back, and then I can just get out of her life.

It's weird, isn't it?
You think someone's your best friend, a sister (to an extent), almost a soul mate...
...and they spring this kind of crap on you...

..and then there's others, who you're the same with everyday.
Yet you want to change...
Quasi came to see me on Wednesday.
...and I turned to jelly.
Vocally, I tried my best to stay calm and resist him.
...but they say, actions speak louder than words...
and when you're in the middle of a forest with your knickers in his pocket, and his fingers inside you, i don't think you can send any stronger message than that...

It's nearly a year and a half since we first met.
... and it's getting harder and harder for me to convince myself that I can get out of it easily...
It's nearly two years that I've liked him.
...and the liking has grown into something I'm scared of.
(No, not obsession.. Although I can definately say he's my infatuation...)

I told him, that I left the house thinking I was going to end it.
But, I couldn't.
And I can't...
I need him to shag me first.

I mean, that was possibly one of the first things that ran through my mind when I first spoke to him.

He suggested we "end it" but carry on doing the fun stuff...
But then what would I be ending?
So far we've both kept our feelings from each other.
Well, I've tried the best I can.
...and end of the day, the attraction was always more about the physical.

But.
I.
Don't.
Know.

I have no idea where I stand...

A month focusing on Religion...

It's officially the end of Ramadhan...
Wahey!

I've spent about two weeks actually starving myself, and the rest of the time, I've managed to sneak food into my ever-hungry gob.
I've not prayed once... (the Salah obligatory prayers; I still chat to God every so often...)
I've not read the Qur'an.. Although, I have started reading the translation this month.
I've not even tried to become a better person.

BUT... I've spent every night of this month having deep discussions about Islam...
and my issues and confusion about it...

Yes, he's biased and he will tell me the horrible stuff about Islam..
but he's the only person doing it!
No one else will tell me... and I'm far too lazy/stupid to find out for myself...

But, I think it's clear from my actions, that I'm not practising.
Unfortunately, I think too many people know.
So, I need to start being "an angel" again.
Oh dear.

...I still don't feel right, though.

Oh.. er, Hello. I forgot this place existed...

Yes.
I'm horrible.
I neglected my Blog.

Sorry.

But, I'm back now, and hope to blog a bit more regularly than I have so in the past.

So, I guess a catch up is in order?


Well, this year hasn't been good to me.

As I've mentioned before, I've had two bereavements, the family had a financial crisis, i had (and am still having) issues/doubts/worries about my life and so i dropped out of uni and now I'm going to work for a year, I stopped speaking to Kumar for a good three months.
Oh, and the usual "Where do I stand" problem with Quasimodo.


I don't understand how things got so bad with Kumar... Just that slowly, one thing after another, she began to annoy me... and so I avoided her. Which annoyed her...
...then after a month of not talking to each other, she just came out with "I guess that's the end of our friendship"...
..and she acted like it was the end of a relationship, she asked for all her things back, and she started giving bits and pieces of my stuff back...
She also became petty, and used Facebook to show that she was living life without me.
The girl, that I basically was surgically attachd to for three years, had moved on and I was left with nothing, it seemed.
I guess it felt like that, 'cause of all my family problems, and i had no job and nothing to do with my time anymore.

But Kenan was there for me, and so was Shmeegal.. so I managed fine.
...and I ended up getting a permanent job; I teach KS1 children at a supplementary weekend school... I can't wait to go back in October.

Quasimodo became immensely busy; expected.
Wedding Season and all...
He became an M.D of a Law Firm, as well... So is now more busier than he used to be.
To be honest, with everything going wrong this year, I think by January it's all going to go downhill for us...
I wish it didn't.
I think I love him.

I spent a month in Bangladesh...
How I let myself get on that plane, I do not know..
I guess, 'cause I was busy taking care of mum, I kind of forgot that it was Bangladesh I was going to.
Oh, yea... Mum had a collapsed lung.
Scariest Shit in my life.
I thought she was going to die. Seriously.
..but she's a soldier, and the day she came back from hospital she started cleaning up again.
Stupid Lady.

Bangladesh itself was alright.
Better than I expected, but I still cried most nights.
There's an 18/19 year old boy over tehre who thinks I'm his girlfriend.
Fun(!)
I think it was hte most expensive holiday, ever.
We spent atleast 500 a day! Pounds, not Takas...

I've started speaking to MakaVeli again.
Oh. Dear.
He gives me attention, when I want it.
It's on tap.
...But he never makes me come as well as Quasi...
I've also started speaking a lot to Taylor. He's so Yummy.
I find myself fancying him a lot these days. ...and he knows it.
If only he didn't have issues like I did ('Modo style issues) then I would try to take it further.
Blatantly, I just want to lick his face.

Ma Soeur Ainee and I have been geting much better...
I think she classes me as a friend... I don't know.
But, it's been helpful, especially with this Kumar business.
Kenan's been amazing as well.

TrouserSnake, on the other hand, has cut off all contact with me as well.

2008 has not been kind to me, at all.

BackStreet Boys - Unbreakable - 8/5/08

(Written in Diary: 10th May 2008)

It finally happened, after 10 years of fantasising, obsessing and being downright crazy about them. I finally went to a BSB concert.

..and they were amazing.

Still full of life and energy. Still the amazing performers I fell in love with when I was 10.

Still harmonising, still leaving me breathless with their melodies...

Still dancing, and doing little numbers. Still playing their drums and guitars.



I was quite far back, on the ground floor, so I couldn't see much.

But, the show started on time, and someone popped up on stage, and introduced the show...

No one gave a damn, but I recognised the voice.

Howie.

He introduced his new talent : George (I really need to MySpace him).

George is amazing. Quite possibly BSB material.

He can dance, sing, and play the guitar and piano.

...and he's gorgeous!

He sang a few numbers, did the typical thing of bringin a girl up on stage and singing to her... sang one final song to which he played the piano... and left...

Then came the wait which seemed to last for, like, two hours! Everytime we saw movement on the stage, or changes in the light we'd start screaming. We being Me and Kenan... Everyone else was so boring! Except for the gay guy behind me; he was amazing.

After the stupid wait, everyone just started standing up and clapping, and Kenan and I just started screaming. This was it... I had been waiting for this moment for over 10 years.

The Boys were Backstage, and were shown/introduced one by one on the big screen. They were all dressed up as boxers and had the Eye of the Tiger music playing.

Then the lights went up, and they were in a boxing ring. Seriously, these guys never fail to come up with something random.

I can now say, with my hand on my heart, that BSB are entertainers. Not only did they sing, they danced, joked, incorporated songs such as Kanye West's Stronger and Micheal Jackson's Beat It into the show... I was on my feet the whole time.

Apparently, they're touring in America in three years' time, and I'm definately going to be prepared to follow them.

Bereavement...

My uncle passed away two days after my cousin.
Weird, huh?

At that time, I was busy comforting my mother, and taking care of the household responsibilities...
(It was around the same time we received the bad news about my parents and moneys...)

I then withdrew myself from people, society and life in general.
(which would explain why I didn't blog about it... )

We went to Germany in the holidays, to offer company and support to our aunty and cousin...

Since then, I've lost the few friends I had.
People said I didn't make an effort with them.
I've dropped out of university as well (totally unrelated.. I just wanted to change my course)

...I only have Kumar left...
..and now, even that's messing up.

He gets Anal about things...

I met up with KbinWalid today.

Impulse decision.

I didn't plan it.
It didn't even cross my mind.

..but he asked me, and I said yes.

I wore a skirt, and a shirt.
My underwear that I bought to wear for 'Modo.
I wore them today.


He took me to his spare flat.
..and this time he was more forward.

He stood behind me, and ran his hands down my arse, the back of my legs, took them over my knees, caressed the fronts of my thighs and fingered the lacing of my underwear.It took me a while to regain composure and realise what was happening. So I moved, and sat down on the dusty sofa. He sat down next to me and smiled.

The smile you smile when you know you're in the company of someone inferior to you... Wait, that sounds wrong, obviously in the case it's not the horrible way... Just that he knew I was eventually going to let him have his way with me... Sort of.

He started a conversation about nothing. To make me feel comfortable, I guess... After a while, he started tracing patterns on my leg; moving upwards slowly. By this time, I totally forgot that I was madly obsessed about losing my virginity to Quasi... All I could think of was how damp my knickers were getting, and how I wanted him to move his hands further up.

I think it showed on my face, 'cause he moved his face close to mine, stroked my cheek and then kissed me.

A cute nanosecond kiss.

He kissed me again, and this time I kissed back... and as good as it did feel, it wasn't the same as kissing Quasimodo, so I hesitated.

He took that as a chance to move to the floor, and position his face between my legs. I was in turmoil, inside, I so badly wanted him to carry on, but I kept thinking about Quasimodo. I didn't say anything though.

You should never disturb the course of a river.

...and so, that afternoon, I messed around with him.

He massaged my breasts, I sat and grinded on his oh-so-big cock... and erm, he came up my arse.

It took my by surprise.... and was such a quick thing, that I was still shocked about the pain whilst he went about cleaning up the cum that was trickling down my leg.

So, I am no longer an Arse Virgin.

Wow.

"...and to Him we return..."

She passed away.
After spending nearly a month in ICU, shut away from her family.

The burns were extremely bad. Nothing was left of her back, legs...
Rest in Peace...
I didn't know you too well, actually I couldn't even remember you, but I do know that when I went to your house you'd take care of me, and love me like your little sister.

All this time I had been thinking, at least I'll know who she is this time I go to visit.
God didn't grant me that wish.
....but He saved you from the physical suffering.

I pray that your soul is restful, and that you are in a good place.
I hear that you were a good person.
Even before all this happened, people used to say you were the sister with most patience.

My heart bleeds for my father and my uncle.
Imagine seeing the child you raised pass away before you...

I can't stand to look at my father... My eyes well up.

This year resembles 2005, a lot.
Illnesses, death and financial troubles...

Is it all my fault? Because I'm confused with my beliefs, God is letting all this happen?
I don't know.

...Valentine's...

14th Feb... Girly Day...
The one day in the year, that I can truly dedicate to my girls...
That I will put aside everything else in my life, and only concentrate on my friends...

It's never about what the rest of the world do...
No, it's never bout Valentine's...
I've never worried about being dateless, or not having roses etc...

Yes, I've sent secret admirers cards... but to my girlfriends...
Never to any male interests... (unless they've been nothing but jokes)...
It's always been about my girls...

So today, why does my mind keep wandering off?
When I look at my roses, why do I keep hoping they were from someone else?
When I fell down whilst ice skating, why did I look around to see if there was someone else to help me up?
Why do I expect him to just walk out from the crowd and surprise me?
Why do I want him to do that?
Is that why I spent over an hour getting ready today?

I've fallen, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my feelings seperate from what's actually happening.

Taylor says, if you can't be a couple, then you should leave it, full stop.
This is the advice that Nessy usually gives to Spazzle...
So why can't the owner of both personalities listen to it?

I know I should end it...
It'll only get harder... but when? and how?
and why?
I don't understand...

I've not ever had a valentine, but right now, I really wish it was Quasimodo.

UK AMAs

It's that time of year again...
When everyone's trying hard to just get votes, and they don't care about anything else....

But Harm's different.
He's still trying to make DesiDesi a better place, even whilst he's trying to get more and more people to vote this year.

Basically, DesiDesi is an online magazine aimed at the Asian population...
Music, Entertainment, Gigs, Lifestyle articles...
They've got it pretty much covered...
They also have a forum, where they're running a competition at the moment...

Good Luck DesiDesi.
Good Luck Harm...

To vote for DesiDesi.Com as best site, go on to www.theukamas.com and follow the instructions.

Yes, there are better sites out there, but the owner of DesiDesi - Harm - actually loves the site, and does it for the people... and he doesn't receive a single penny...

Excusez moi, S'il vous plait?

Le Tour d'Eiffel... Photography was amazing... Kudos to Miss Abu Hamza...

My three days in Paris.
..C'était fantastique!

I went with SpongeBob Dribble Pants, GelAsh, Ma soeur aine, son petit copain, Sponge Cloth Towel, Sponge Cloth Towel's friend, and Apple Pie.
They were amazing.
I've never had so much fun before...
The company was honestly just great...

The actual city, was unbelievable!
It was *my* city.
Welcoming, friendly, sex-crazed.
The amount of men I flirted with, I couldn't begin to count...
Nearly everyone I stopped to speak to, and I stopped nearly everyone I passed.

I'm generally an outgoing social person, so talking to people doesn't scare me (as long as I can act confident).
Being the only French speaker, (my sister flopped it), I had to approach people and ask directions...
Turns out, most Parisians speak English... It didn't stop me from speaking French though..

We stayed in the 9th quarter, just off Rue Lafayette...
Le Grand Hotel Lafayette-Buffault.
It was soo quaint and pretty.
Not a nice bathroom though, and only one plug socket to share between four girls...

We found a Turkish Kebab House just around the corner, called Istanbul (closest Metro is Cadet)..
They made my life.
I fell in love.

The bits of sight-seeing we *did* get round to doing was amazing...

I'm definately going back again .
They have one of these, like, every 5 metres... The French know how to practice SafeSex...

The green man, who I looked forward to seeing everytime I had to cross the road... Although, many conduiteurs (I just made that word up... ) didn't really take notice of the RED LIGHT!

One of the most beautiful places in the world... I wish I could go back...

My opinion? I think some kind of gay orgy takes place there...

31 Days of Drama, Studies, and Confusion.

January usually is a quiet month, for me.
It involves a few exams, the 'flu and lots of comfort eating.

Considering I started the year off in a different way, I should've expected that the month itself wouldn't be so normal.

After coming back from the wedding on New Year's Day, I slept.
I slept pretty much a good 15 hours everyday for a week, knowing fully well I had an exam on the 8th.
Cue the panic on the 7th.
I stayed in the university library until 10pm that night... and I still didn't manage to research the case study.
Oops.
That's pretty much how the revision for the rest of my exams went.
I spent the exam period with Keeta, and went shopping and bought lots of useless things.

The following week, I spent with Kumar.
Cue the hilariousity and money wasting.
Minge was there, too.

They forced me out one Saturday evening... whilst I was greasy and hairy.
and they got me, what felt like something, tipsy.
I didn't like it.

I had an argument with 'Modo.
Well, not an argument really...
I uploaded a picture on FB... of my arm... with the bruises he gave me...
and I tagged him in it...
Oh, the drama!
Instead of telling me what was wrong, he decided not to tell me anything at all.
...and so I spent a whole week wondering why he hadn't returned my calls, and why he didn't text to wish me good luck in my exams and so on...
In the end, a silly text sent to him by mistake, made him call me and apologise...
Since then, he's been really cute and adorable... and keeps promising cuddles for when we next meet.
...which was meant to be the 30th, but Sod's Law meant that it didn't happen.

Many nights were spent on the phone to Kumar, regarding a certain TV.
*rolls eyes*
What a manipulative cry baby bitch.
He wanted to get with Kumar, thinking she's easy... and I just realised how typical and evil he is.
Thank goodness, neither one of us wanted "something" with him.
That's one person I'm glad not to count as a friend anymore.

I've spent two solid weeks watching DVDs every night, and spending a tenner on taxi fare from Kumar's house to mine at night.
Shit...
But, I've enjoyed myself... I really value her friendship, and I'm grateful I have her...
Finch, on the other hand, can go lick her phlange out.
I do not like her.
I know that's a terrible thing to say, but she annoys me.
She's not done anything directly horrible to me... but she annoys me.
I don't want to bitch about her, that much, so I'll leave it.

During wedding season, I discovered that Chayma's best friend was sNaKe...
Cue the probing and the questions... "What happened?" "Why don't you speak anymore?" etc etc...
Recently, I recieved a telephone call from SlagFace... apparently sNaKe's leaving to go back to the Motherland for 8 weeks... and he wants to say bye...
:
Right.
That's just what I need right now...
Another person who's drifted away to come back for only two seconds to say bye.
I didn't even get to speak to him, I was only granted a text...
I never got to tell him how much I missed him, and how special he was to me... and how everytime I get time alone to myself, I reminisc and regret my thinking...

I came across a few cool blogs to read, to keep me busy during those rare hours when I have nothing to do (usually in the weekends, when I'm locked up at home, pretending to be the good girl that I am)
Todger talk, and Bete de Jour.
I will link them, eventually!
(I'm on another computer, which doesn't have my favourites on it, and I can't be bothered to google them...)
But, Bete de Jour is lovely, from what I can make from his writing, and one of the guys on Todger Talk is absolutely hilarious. I think it's the Porno Mag man...
I love him..

Oooh, Uni gossip..
There's a man who lives in the library...
I'll tell you about him another time...

...Fear...

I've always been scared.
My first scary memory is when I still lived up North, and I used to think a murderer/burglar/ghost/monster was hiding in between the two inch gap underneath my parents' bed.
I was probably four.

Nothing has changed really, I'm now scared of what might be hiding in the tiny gap underneath my bed, ready to pounce on me at any moment.

When I was eleven, I watched the Exorcist, and I laughed all the way through.
What a waste of time, I said, as the credits rolled.
I couldn't sleep that night.
I haven't had many decent night's sleep since.

In Islam, there are beings called Jinns.
You can closely translate it to the English "Ghost".
I've been brought up with stories of these Jinns.
Jinns, and Black Magic and Witches that live in trees.
As Muslims, you're meant to believe in them.

When I went back to my parents' native country, apparently I was "caught by a ghost".
I changed completely; the way I interacted with my family, my mood, my apetite, my routine.
I was a 14 year old adolescent.
Apparently that doesn't make any difference to my culture.

From an early age, I stopped going to the bathroom at night.
Something to do with "Bloody Mary".
Even if my bladder was bursting, I wouldn't go to the bathroom.
I have my daily showers in the day time, and I've even scheduled my body to need the toilet in daylight hours.
When I brush my teeth at night, I make sure someone else is in the bathroom with me.
...and that they're talking.
I don't want them to suddenly become possessed the one minute I'm not paying attention.

My older sister is still used to me calling "Mummy" at 4am in the dark.
Since I was 4 or 5, she used to wake up and tell me not to be stupid, and that I only had a nightmare.
She still tells me not to be stupid, and that it's all in my imagination.

For a while, I used to use the Protection Prayer ( Ayat-ul-Qursi) to calm me down.
But then I had a nightmare, in which I kept reciting it wrong.
Since then, it's not worked.
Many nights, I stay awake, frozen in my bed, with that prayer going over and over in my head.

The passage light has never been switched off, because I know I'll get scared.
I chose the room with the roadlight outside the window.
My phone never leaves my hand at night, just in case I have to call 999 (if it's a murderer or burglar) or my house phone (if it's a ghost and I need my parents to come).

Every single night, I go through the motions of checking my room for any pictures.
Any magazines, posters, or leaflets get turned over so I can't see any faces.
Any mirrors left lying around are covered up with clothes.
Teddies are hidden at the back of cupboards.

Yet, I still get scared.
I still see faces.
I still shake and shivver.
I still cry.

Why am I so afraid?
Why can't I shake this fear off?
Does anyone know what I can do?
I can't take it much longer.

Two Double Oh Seven.

What a year.
It started in illness and ended in illness.

Scandal, Gossip, Drama.
College, Community and WWW.
RatBoy.
Quasimodo.
KbinWalid.

I don't even remember how I started talking to Modo.
It was the Monday before my birthday that he made me come.
Since then, I've been falling.

Summer time was a mixed bag of Lucky Dips.
Mi Madre had to go off and we had to stay and hold down the fortress.
That Summer I found my older sister.

I also held down a job for three or four months.
But I hated it.
So I left.

October saw the birth of the Uni-Ness.
How I hate it.

2007 was the year I made the decision to leave religion.
The beginning of my journey.
It was also the year I took my first acoholic drink.
Had my first orgasm.
Stayed in a place full of guys in a different city.
Discovered my other side.
Became an official tease.

I guess Double 07 was the year of many beginnings.
I hope double Oh Eight isn't the year of endings.

Rendezvous with Silly Quasi...

I remember when I met him in May. How he brought me to the brink of an orgasm...
The way his fingers found mine, and the way they easily knitted together with mine.
Him playing with strands of my hair, as I sat in his car, embarrassed...
When he took me in to the middle of the "forest" and started playing with me.

I saw him on Thursday... Six months after...
We knew what was on the agenda. I wore red lingerie with black ribbon, and black stockings and suspender belt.
It was very cold that day, so I decided to dress very casually, conservative. No legs, boobs or skin on show.
He'd put on a bit of weight since I saw him last. But, he's still got his nyummy stubble, and firm strong arms.

He took me to Selfridges to eat at Yo! Sushi, what a load of bullhype. It wasn't anything special. ..and my stomach problems meant I couldn't eat as much as I would've liked.
I wasn't allowed to touch him, hold hands, hug him or anything whilst we were out and about. The girl, or her friends might see... Yet, when we sat down, it was perfectly fine for him to stroke my thighs under the table?
The minute we got into the car, his hands were all over me... His fingers tracing patterns over my collar bone, my thighs, my stomach...
He gave me two options, go shopping or get lost for a bit... He then said there was an alternative... We could get a room... So which one did I choose?

He sped to the hotel, not wanting to waste any time. I started getting excited already, my panties were starting to get a bit damp. He got the room key, and we stepped in to the elevator. Cue the cliche-ness. The doors closed, and we were all over each other. They opened, and we darted to different sides of the lift.
The moment we stepped in the room, he didn't give me time to take my coat off or put my bag down... He kissed me... Violently, passionately. He forced my bag from my hand, and let it drop to the floor with a loud thud. My coat was taken off and chucked on the table... He pressed into the small of my back. "Can you feel me, Ness?" He was hard.. Very hard. I started to throb even more.
I was moved to a position where we could see our reflections in the mirror. My hat was falling off, my hair a mess. His eyes looking at me hungrily. What a perve.
LoL.
"Show me your stockings,"
He unzipped my jeans, and pulled them down, bending me over the bed. My heels flung over each shoulder.
"Wow" His hands caressed and massaged my arse.

"Stand up on the bed," I looked at him with a questioning look. "Nessy, stand up on the bed, now."
I did as I was told, and he made me turn around and face the wall. I felt him finger the netted material of my knickers, then I felt a kiss, two kisses. His stubble rubbing against my smooth skin. His buried his nose into the crease, whilst he kissed me. Swiftly, he turned me around, so that I was facing him...

All of a sudden, I remembered where I was, and felt embarrassed that I had been enjoying him between my thighs, and that I was being very vocal about it. He looked at me and smirked, and went on to touch and caress me...
I closed my eyes and let myself just feel. For the first time, ever, I didn't have to worry about people hearing me, and I didn't need to suppress any noises that escaped my voice box. ...and he seemed to enjoy it.
"Oh my God, Ness, you're really wet."
His fingers fluttered against me, and my knees were turning to jelly. He brought me down to kneel on the bed, and kissed my face, my neck, and shoulder. He then pushed me down. My head hit the wall, and he immediately cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. Two extra pillows were placed under my head; I felt so safe.
He went back to playing with me, touching and feeling. He asked if I felt alright to have his finger in... and I said I needed to get more wet, it was too early. His eyes nearly popped out, apparently, I was incredibly wet already.

"Do you want my tongue down there?" He grinned and moved down the bed... I could feel him watching me, and the shyness came back. I turned to bury my face in the pillow, and he chuckled. I giggled as well, "You're such a perve" and I reached down to cover his eyes. He just kissed me harder on my thigh, making me let go and groan in pleasure.
He took my knickers off and threw them to one side, and started flicking his tongue over my clit. I was in ecstasy. I had wanted to be licked out for so long. ..and I was glad it was Quasimodo who was lapping up at me. His stubble kept rubbing against my groin and in turn, I started grinding against his face.
My legs were lifted up over his shoulders and he lifted my bum up and held them in place with his hands. Heaven couldn't feel as good as I felt then. He laid me back on the bed, reached under me and turned me over... and started using his fingers as well as licking me.
...I stopped thinking about anything, and felt almost dizzy, and that's when I felt it. A finger stroking my arsehole, and then slowly entering me. It didn't feel amazing, but it didn't feel wrong. I let him carry on, and then it just got painful. He let go immediately, and carried on using his tongue. He wrapped his strong big arms around my thighs and lifted me higher, his tongue becoming more firm and his sucking more harsher. My breathing became more and more shallow, and I was clutching at anything to make it stop.
Why?
I have no idea.
I could feel myself get closer, my body was tingling and I felt like I was having an asthma attack. LoL.

*Bang Bang Bang*
Someone was knocking on the door, never have I moved so quickly in my life. Quasi was up in a flash, too. I hid in the corner of the room, whilst he went near the door... and we waited and listened.
"It's only the hoover."
We both started laughing. A lot.
He took me by both arms and led me to the bed. "I love how quickly you get wet for me, Ness Bitch"
He took his jeans off, and looked at me to see if I was ok with it. I smiled to reassure him. He smiled back and took his dick out. I was expecting something small, from the way he always talked about it. Average size, I guess, but very thick. It looked like the nose of one of the Racoons... Lmao.
"That's so big!" I stared at it, wide eyed. He started rubbing it up and down my lips. It felt so soft, so smooth. I immediately starting to become wet again. He let out a sigh, that made me feel .. good! He spread my legs apart, and lowered himself down on me. His lips brushed against my nipples, and I noticed, that for the first time they actually looked normal. He caught me looking, and grinned. "You get off from watching, don't you?"

The last time we met was very rushed. Very cramped... and very amazing.
The cows were our audience, and the farmland our stage.
I came in costume, leopard print. Lol.
He slid his finger in me with ease this time, and I enjoyed it.
Actually that was an understatement.

It's been two months since we last met, and I've been craving him.
I want to feel his arms holding me, his rough stubble against my skin...
I want to feel him inside.

Pussycat, Pussycat, Where have you been?

I've been to London to see the Queen.

8 Days away from home.
Away from routine.
Away from TV and Internet.
Away from bitches... almost.
Away from TAGs (courtesy of Quasi).

A Birthday, Engagement Party, Rendezvous with Quasi and lots of shopping, restaurants and Krispy Kremes.

It's amazing how one week away from everything you're used to can mess up your internal system.
I definately needed this break though.

I met up with a few more e-people.
jariN, Feefee and Cheeky.
Lovely people.

Schlag Giti came out...
The day before meeting up with Quasi, I met jariN and couldn't help but play footsy with him.
On the way home, infront of Mi Hermana Mayor, I was getting cosy with him on the tube.
His hand wrapped around mine.
My arse pressing against his crotch, and yes, he was hard.
His other arm stroking my stomach.
Mi Hermana Mayor asked if I liked him.
I said no.
He's cute, and I adore him.
But, no.
There's nothing there.
He's my age.
It doesn't work.

I felt like we were leaving Feefee out, though.
I kept trying to talk to her, and shop with her, and jariN would keep taking me to the side and trying hats on me etc etc...
She was really cute, bless her.
But, very quiet.

Cheeky? She's amazingly cute.
Exactly how I thought she'd be.
East London Gyal. LoL.

yaG was surprisingly really nice to me.
Mi hermana Mayor must've said something.
They all tried their best to accomodate me.
I'm very grateful.
I, honestly, am.

It would be silly to go into detail as to what happened with Quasi...
That would possibly be another post...
But, I've realised, I like how there's nothing emotional between us.
Well, I do like him, still, but it's not going to go anywhere.
...and I don't think I want it to.
He's ten years my senior, for goodness sake!
He could get hitched any moment... although I highly doubt it with him...
Not that he can't get a wife... He just can't settle, I don't think.
and no, I don't want to be the girl he settles for.
I do really like him... and the way I fit in his arms and could lay my head on his chest was perfect.

I bought £39 worth of lingerie for my sister, only to return it because she's a bit of prude and doesn't like ANYTHING from Ann Summers.
I, then, lost the gift voucher that I was thinking of using for a vibrator.

Now that I'm back, I should really fix up.
Today, I'm being a bit lazy and just catching up slowly, on the lecture notes that I've missed.
Tomorrow will be a long day, full of note making and properly catching up.
Wednesday, I shall tidy up the whole house.
I hope to be up to date with everything by Friday.

Stock. Lock... and Suspenders.

I brought some pretty stockings today.
Some pretty suspenders, too.

I tried them on, clipped them into place.
They've been wrapped up and are waiting in the suitcase.
They're not coming out until the 15th.

Not to try on, not to take pictures.

I am forbidden from touching them until the 15th.
I am the forbidder, this time.

I bought them for him.
He shall get the pleasure first.
I'll get mine from his.

It's going to take all the willpower in the World, not to try them on and take pictures.
They feel like Heaven!

Pictures will come after the 15th, obviously.
If I'm lucky enough, He'll shoot me.
In more ways than one.