...It's Eating me again...

Over the years, i've had times when i've pushed everyone away, and just wanted to be on my own...
the last one i had was in january after my exams... I pushed Telf away and avoided him for ages, i started missing school and spending more time in bed... i just hated being awake, and kind of hate living...
but, what i felt back then has nothing on how i feel now... I feel soo drained... yet, when i see people, i *act* like i have soo much energy, and i laugh soo much i feel giddy... but when they can't see me, i immediately feel like flopping down cause i feel like i have no energy in me...
I hate everything, so much shit goin on around me... not necessarily connected to me... but just shitty gay things happening everywhere...what next, a tsunami??

I've started to stop eating, but i force myself to eat big main meals, cause i don't wanna die anymore... but i don't want to eat anymore... yes, i'm craving kebabs and chocolate, but i know the minute i get them, i'll throw them away...

and my sleep? yes i've slept soo much more since thursday, but... i wake up more tired and exhausted than if i didn't sleep at all... i wake up every 5 minutes, and i have the most puzzling dreams.. not nightmares, they're quite pleasant, but they confuse me soo much that they leave me feeling upset... (the dream where i got given one of the most nicest hugs - that i could ACTUALLY FEEL IN REAL LIFE, if that makes sense - and i could smell his scent... but i couldn't see his face)

all of this has started affecting my family life, my parents have been lecturing me since friday night, only because i can't be bothered to listen to anyone, all i wanna do is sleep..
why don't they understand??

i don't wanna be awake anymore... it's eating me, and i can't get away from it!