Living off Stress...

Everything i do involves an element of stress, even if it's a teensy weensy amount.. there's still SOME stress in it...
and i love it... Running around, not eating, spending any money i have... just to make whatever it is perfect...
The Parties, the homeworks, the Hi5 profiles... even just making a jacket potatoe...
and i realise now, why i keep craving this stress... this lifestyle of just rush, rush, rush... I hate sitting down, relaxing and just thinking... i absolutely hate it... i don't mind spending alone time writing stories, or "blogs" or just day dreaming... but just sitting to relax really gets to me...

I've spent the past day just sitting, listening to music and drifting in and out of sleep... and i've hated it... i keep thinkin about all the crap that's happened... and it's not only with what happened recently...
I remember back when i started rebelling and acting up... the minute i was left alone with nothing to do, the thoughts used to attack me...
thoughts of how i'm not close to anyone in my family, how i'm not talented at anything... and the one that comes up the most, how i'm the only person who hasn't had that special connection with someone, even though everyone else i know have had kajillions of these connections...

i guess that may be why i started gettin involved with so many things, and may be that's why i hate staying at home unless i have work to do or something...
my life is like a calendar, i'm always crossing off the days till the next big event... whether that's going shopping with mates, a party, or just waxing my legs... i need to distract myself with thoughts like "what time are we meeting up?" "have i bought all the balloons?" "if i wax my legs tonight, how long can i go without doing them again?"...
if i didn't condition myself to create unneccesary stress, then i would make myself ill by actually worrying about "stressful" things...