...speechless...

I said no ....
a year ago i said no... that it felt odd... that it wasn't right...
yet it was perfect...
and tonight...? i wanted to say yes... that i'm ready... that i want to go further...

and i wake up from my dream, and reality slaps me in the face
"I'm getting married soon... I can't speak to you anymore"....

This felt even worser than me wanting to stop speaking to Shaaf...
I had prepared myself to ask him if we could spend more time together.. see if things wouldn't be so bad...
The past week i had been thinking to myself that maybe he was "the one"....
After the party, EVERYONE told me that it was obvious that we were BOTH feeling each other... and i decided that i'd left it long enough...

Had i said yes when he first asked me... maybe things would've been different now... we might have brokeded up within the first 4 weeks, or we may still have been together.... how am i gonna know now??

Usually i'm full of words and can talk for hours when i'm emotional...
today i feel drained... and i'm strugglin just to write this...
and to be honest... i'm still a bit speechless... i don't know what to say to all this...
do i accept it?
or do i fight it, although i dunno for sure if i wanna be with him??