Giti's Life Update...

okeys, firstly, i had the ultra sound (not the anigav one though THANK GOD!) still haven't had any results back... but atleast the wait for the ulstrasound is over... my facial hair is growing at mega speed, spots are coming everywhere, and i swear i'm getting fatter...

Mimi and Mumu are in India, and i'm soo depressed... I decided to leave my city, and go to London to keep myself busy and put them at the back of my mind... it worked... but i was only there for 3 days, cause parents were being gay and if they could, they would've made me come home on the same day!
It was fun though, went to Oxford St. finally, and spent like 6 hours window shopping, met an online mate - well actually a few - ate Nandos... watched 4 movies, ate Chicken Shwarmas, danced around without worrying that my parents would kill me... and just generally forgot about eveyrthing... I had fun! and coming back has made me realise just how much i need regular breaks from my family...

Christmas Day... and I'm crying for a break... lolz..
i spent ALL day yesterday with my little sister, and by then end of it i couldn't stand being civil anymore.. i just wanted to rip her hair out... and today, with everything being closed, mum and dad didn't take her out anywhere... THIS is torture!

i've got exams in a week or two... and i was meant to upload some spanish paragraphs to my teachers thingy for her to check a week, no wait, 2 weeks ago.. i still haven't got round to WRITING the paragraphs... and Psychology? I'm failing that i think...
Starting from tomorrow, I NEED to start revising.. but parents don't seem to understand...

and there's been a tiny advance in the RatBoy story... but i think that's kinda messed up everything now.... 1 step forward, 2 steps back... don't really know to be honest...

That's kinda everything summed up.. i think!

Anigav Inspection!

I got the letter in the post coupla days back... actually, i was told about it from my dad!
"Giti, you're hospital appointment letter's on the board" I get a few hospital apointments a year, and since i complain of everything, i didn't really care too much that my dad opened it... oh, how i cared when i read the bold words!
"UltrasoundPelvis" and "UltrasoundTransVaginal"
i ripped the letter off the board and rushed upstairs...

the appointment's this thursday at 11.40... i think my parents have forgotten about it... but i'll let them know tomorrow that my mates are taking me...
I remember my last ultrasound i was terrified... and i KNEW that it was just them moving something on my belly... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A TRANSVAGINAL SCAN INVOLVES!!!

I am actually reallly scared...
but my friends all around me are being really nice and reassuring about it...

...I'm really scared...!

...It's Eating me again...

Over the years, i've had times when i've pushed everyone away, and just wanted to be on my own...
the last one i had was in january after my exams... I pushed Telf away and avoided him for ages, i started missing school and spending more time in bed... i just hated being awake, and kind of hate living...
but, what i felt back then has nothing on how i feel now... I feel soo drained... yet, when i see people, i *act* like i have soo much energy, and i laugh soo much i feel giddy... but when they can't see me, i immediately feel like flopping down cause i feel like i have no energy in me...
I hate everything, so much shit goin on around me... not necessarily connected to me... but just shitty gay things happening everywhere...what next, a tsunami??

I've started to stop eating, but i force myself to eat big main meals, cause i don't wanna die anymore... but i don't want to eat anymore... yes, i'm craving kebabs and chocolate, but i know the minute i get them, i'll throw them away...

and my sleep? yes i've slept soo much more since thursday, but... i wake up more tired and exhausted than if i didn't sleep at all... i wake up every 5 minutes, and i have the most puzzling dreams.. not nightmares, they're quite pleasant, but they confuse me soo much that they leave me feeling upset... (the dream where i got given one of the most nicest hugs - that i could ACTUALLY FEEL IN REAL LIFE, if that makes sense - and i could smell his scent... but i couldn't see his face)

all of this has started affecting my family life, my parents have been lecturing me since friday night, only because i can't be bothered to listen to anyone, all i wanna do is sleep..
why don't they understand??

i don't wanna be awake anymore... it's eating me, and i can't get away from it!

Living off Stress...

Everything i do involves an element of stress, even if it's a teensy weensy amount.. there's still SOME stress in it...
and i love it... Running around, not eating, spending any money i have... just to make whatever it is perfect...
The Parties, the homeworks, the Hi5 profiles... even just making a jacket potatoe...
and i realise now, why i keep craving this stress... this lifestyle of just rush, rush, rush... I hate sitting down, relaxing and just thinking... i absolutely hate it... i don't mind spending alone time writing stories, or "blogs" or just day dreaming... but just sitting to relax really gets to me...

I've spent the past day just sitting, listening to music and drifting in and out of sleep... and i've hated it... i keep thinkin about all the crap that's happened... and it's not only with what happened recently...
I remember back when i started rebelling and acting up... the minute i was left alone with nothing to do, the thoughts used to attack me...
thoughts of how i'm not close to anyone in my family, how i'm not talented at anything... and the one that comes up the most, how i'm the only person who hasn't had that special connection with someone, even though everyone else i know have had kajillions of these connections...

i guess that may be why i started gettin involved with so many things, and may be that's why i hate staying at home unless i have work to do or something...
my life is like a calendar, i'm always crossing off the days till the next big event... whether that's going shopping with mates, a party, or just waxing my legs... i need to distract myself with thoughts like "what time are we meeting up?" "have i bought all the balloons?" "if i wax my legs tonight, how long can i go without doing them again?"...
if i didn't condition myself to create unneccesary stress, then i would make myself ill by actually worrying about "stressful" things...

...speechless...

I said no ....
a year ago i said no... that it felt odd... that it wasn't right...
yet it was perfect...
and tonight...? i wanted to say yes... that i'm ready... that i want to go further...

and i wake up from my dream, and reality slaps me in the face
"I'm getting married soon... I can't speak to you anymore"....

This felt even worser than me wanting to stop speaking to Shaaf...
I had prepared myself to ask him if we could spend more time together.. see if things wouldn't be so bad...
The past week i had been thinking to myself that maybe he was "the one"....
After the party, EVERYONE told me that it was obvious that we were BOTH feeling each other... and i decided that i'd left it long enough...

Had i said yes when he first asked me... maybe things would've been different now... we might have brokeded up within the first 4 weeks, or we may still have been together.... how am i gonna know now??

Usually i'm full of words and can talk for hours when i'm emotional...
today i feel drained... and i'm strugglin just to write this...
and to be honest... i'm still a bit speechless... i don't know what to say to all this...
do i accept it?
or do i fight it, although i dunno for sure if i wanna be with him??

More drama in 30 minutes than any other Soap...

I stood at the bus stop, texting my friend to see if we were still on for a Girly Road trip tomorrow...and i decided to call my mum to pick me up, cause if i had waited for the next number 8 bus, i wouldn't have been home in time to make food for Iftar...
Just as i hung up, a girl in front of me collapsed... a leg bent under her, an arm smacked the ground... A nice gentleman and two elderly ladies helped her up and sat her down on the tiny little bit of plastic... The women sroked her arm and generally tried to make her feel comfortable... I wanted to help, but seeing as she was already being looked after i didn't do much...
Her bus came, and the ladies carried her bags and told her to stand up, she was fine for about 2 seconds, and then she fell again, nearly on me. The gentleman helped her up again, and a lady asked if anyone had a phone.
I offered to call for an ambulance, but i didn't know whether to call hospital or 999... so i asked, and the lady just tutted at me and rolled her eyes and said "YES! 999!"... i was already kinda scared, and she scareded me more!

So i called up, and tried to give our location "on Co-operation St. in front of WHSmith"... i didn't know how else to describe where we were!
and he asked me how she fell, and i was like... "erm... she looked kinda dizzy and fell? really floppily??" and he was like "did she faint?" and i was like... "nooo she hasn't fainted.... she just fell on the floor twice as if she couldn't keep herself up..." and the guy was like.. "i understand, but i need to know why she fainted" and i was like..."i'm sowwie, i reallly don't know.... "
but he was like just reassure her that helps on the way... :)
i got her to sit down on the floor, cause i was scared she might slip off the little bit of plastic that's meant to be a bench... and i gave her my shawl to wear cause she said she was feelin a bit cold...
She was 17 years old, going home from college...
The ambulance peoples came, and the man took her bag, whilst i held her hand and supported her, and walked her to the ambulance...
then i didn't know what i should've done, stayed with her or left...
Seeing as she was a complete stranger and she was in total safe hands i decided i should leave her with them....
and just as i turned around, my mummy was parked behind the ambulance...

so i hopped in, and i started telling them what had happened...
i then heared my mum saying something like "that's odd, i thought your dad had filled in the water the other day"... i didn't really pay much attention...
and told mum to carry on driving, we could always fill it up once we got home...
we then got stuck in traffic, and i looked at her dashboard thingy and hte water light was red! not even flashing.. it was PERMANENTLY red!
and then the bonnet started smoking!
we tried to park the car, but we were in chocablock traffic, and in the inner lane, so it would've been a nightmare for my mum... and then i heard a horrible rattling scarey noise.. and i panicked!
i switched the hazard lights on, and told my mum and sister to GET OUT the car...
we were standing in the middle of one of the BUSIEST roads in my city... and our car was gonna blow up...
i didn't know what to do, so i called dad to get here ASAP!
So many peoples passed us and not one person even asked to help us... a lot of them looked at us with a kinda pityful sympathetic look... but no one did anything...
we waited for about 15 minutes... and then a woman came over and was like "shall i help you push the car towards the pavement?"
The traffic had eased down now, and so we were like "okeys..."
and then two gentlemen helped us aswell...
There was some sort of problem with the steering wheel...it was locked or something and so the two men were steering and me, the woman and mum were pushing....
My sister had seen dad drive past the other way....so i started to feel some kind of relief...
the two gentlemen offered me their phones to call some one to take us home... and they were like, don't thank us...
and they went off...
Dad came and took us to his car, after lockin our little clio....
and d'ya know what?
he had a go at me for not taking an earlier bus home!

So much had happened in such little time, i felt kinda overwhelmed in the car... i was sooo close to tears...
I just hope Chloe gets better, and to the 2 men and the lady who helped us, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!

Garba...

Yaaaayyyy!!!! I finally went!!!
(after a few "but you never let me see my friends" and a bit of acting like a moody cow....)
but yes! i went...
and it was.... fun... i think!

i was toooo scared and nervous to reallly enjoy it...
the main worry was I'm a Muslim at a Hindu Festival...
and as welcoming as Hinduism is meant to be of other faiths... the PEOPLE ... talk!
lolz!
and so, i couldn't reallly relax and enjoy myself...

but omg! i got the garba step!! even the 3-clapped step...
and then dandiya, i got a BIT confuzzled at times... but overall it was good...
(i WILL put up my own definitions of what Navratri, Garba and Dandiya is...)

after coming back with a sore back, a hungry belly, a lengha drenched in sweat, and aching legs... i realised... Navratri is kinda like Ramadhan for Muslims...
as well as the Religious importance of each festival... there's the physical aspect where we kinda... make ourselves fitter... (if that makes sense)

a hindu will abstain form any "wrong food" (meat, alcohol etc) and the garba is a physical thing that makes them fitter...
a muslim controls what they eat when they're not fasting but during fastin hours obviously they don't eat... and the movements of the prayer is what is meant to keep them fit, as it supposedly uses every muscle in the body...

...it's kinda cool how you can find similarities in between religions...
kinda makes you smile :)

...Birthday Wishes...

he's 22 today...
wow! i first spoked to him when he was.. 18...

i don't know if i should call or text or even email him...
Shaaf didn't even remember my 18th...

have we totally finished our contact or whatever?
or is he just busy? or am i just too eager to stop speaking to him?

...not eager in the sense that i hate him or anything and i don't wanna speak to him...
but it's just... there's nothing more to our friendship anymore.... it's finished.. what's the point in tryna drag it on, when there's nothing there??

I know i SHOULD wish him happy birthday... if it was anyone else, friend, stranger, enemy i'd atleast wish them... but it's only with him when i get proud... that i feel that if he hasn't made any effort to contact me, why should i contact him?!
but at the same time, i remember just how much he meant to me, and how much he helped me...and that i owe it to him to still be nice to him and speak to him once in a while...

... sometimes i try and think what would've happened had i not misinterpreted my feelings?
would we still have been close friends?
it's only NOW that i've let Mimi and Mumu in my life totally!... before that it was only Shaaf who knew EVEYRTHING... i had a real friendship with him...

and to this day, i haven't met someone who i shared that same... connection... with...
i mean yea i love my mimi and mumu... and the rest of the M crew... but... Shaaf was... different...

maybe because i never had a brother figure in my life, i put him on a pedestal... i dunno... but i totallly looked up to him...
he motiviated me to do well on my GCSE's... no one else...
i mean, yea, my parents told me to do well, my mates were competing with me... but it didn't make me FEEEEEEL like i wanted to PROPERLY put myself into it...

it was Shaaf who saved me from myself those nights when i was being a mentalist....
not Mumu, not Ell, not Babey... it was Shaaf...
i still think what might have happened had he not spokened to me that night... i woulda just gone straight to sleep and have an overload of drugs messing around in my body....


...He is still really important to me, no matter how much i try and tell myself he isn't...
yea, i've gotten over the fact that we don't speak anymore... i've gotten over the fact that he speaks to Em still and sometimes even Ell and not me...
but it doesn't mean that i don't pray for him, that i don't care for him...

if i could... i would've called him up at 12am and wished him happy bday...
but, thing's aren't that simple...
things have changed, and i've left it too long to go crawling back to him...
i doubt he even remembers anything...

...Happy Birthday Angel... i pray Allah showers his blessings on you and that you get your hearts desires.... love from, Asshole....

Homework in year 2 - MeMe Style!

Meme has to learn about Florence Nightingale as part of his "homework" (he's a big boy now in year 2, so obviously they think he's big enough for homework... i'm not saying he can't do it.. it's just... he's still a babey )
It's really cute watching him learn... he used the bbc site where you can watch a little cartoon slideshow of her life...
He then tried teaching me about her...
(I have a theory that the only way you can learn something is if you teach it, so i made him teach it to me several times, before teaching my mum in our mother tongue...)

so he comes out with...

"She was born in Italy... and then she moved to England
her dad teached her Maths... she wanted to be a nurse, but her dad said
"No it's too dangerous!" ... and she ignored him, and became a
nurse...
and then turkey called her, so she went aaaaallll the way from England,
past France and Italy - that's where she was born, innit?! - and went to
Turkey.
She spoked to the doctors and she started to clean the floors, and the
rats.
and then all the soliders started getting better, cause she fed them
medicines...
and then when they got bettere again, she went back to
england.
She was famous, and the Queen gave an award, but she didn't want to be
famous.
She opened a school...
and then she died!"

maybe it's one of those "you had to be there moments" but i felt like PISSING MYSELF with laughter... just the way he was saying it all...
sooooo cute!!!!

Coupla weeks earlier he had homework to do on someone else who was famous...he comes out with
"Giti!!! we have to go on google and look up Burns!!!"
Now, i thought he was talking about Mr. Burns from Simpsons and was tryna understand WHY he'd need to do research on him!
and he says
"He made EVERYTHING! he made schools and buildings and ships!!!"
and i was soooo confuzzled... so i googled the name Burns, and it came up with Robert burns... and i asked... did he write songs and poems???
and he's nodding enthusiastically
"YEA YEA YEA!! THAT'S HIM!!!"
so i wrote out the simple life story and made it look pretty and printed it out...

...turns out it was Brunel he was meant to research, and not Burns...
the only way i found out was when Meme said something about "he made a bridge, a ship and a train to london!"

Thank God! they hammered it in to my head at my school about Brunel, i couldn't really miss them clues...
but it was soo cute the way Meme thought it was about some guy who sang Auld Lang Syne! and he sooo thought he was right!!!

Sometimes i think, he's doing the stuff that i'm doing NOW!...
bless him!

A year... gone quickly?

This time last year, i was just settling down at my new college, i was organising (what i thought would be ) a small community talent show, i was still thinking about Shaaf*, i was REALLY close with Ell... My sister and her boyfriend and best mate had moved to London...

Now? I'm just carrying on with college work, trying to figure out WHAT i want to actually do at uni... and fasting?....

I've managed to pack in sooo much in one year, that would usually take a coupla years for most people..
I joined Millenium volunteers and nearly clocked up 200 hours from just doing a few local events...
I've presented for 2 events, i've done the funding and the bulk of the organising for the talent show that i mentioned above... i've done stage management for a HUGE outdoor event in my local area, i've co-produced and co-presented a breakfast radio show...i've even helped my little sisters' class end of year leavers assembly/school production...
and somewhere inbetween that i met a guy that i can only dream of, i celebrated my 18th birthday, i celebrated Mimi and Mumu's 18ths as well, i've been out clubbing once, i had a job at specsavers and i even passed all of my AS levels...

I've had one of the (if not THE) most busiest years of my life...
and i kind of owe it to two things...
The talent show... and me failing my science AS levels...

Had i not failed, i wouldn't have changed college and subjects and i wouldn't have been more determined to do extra curricular activities... which was WHY i put in soo much effort into the talent show.. making it the BIGGEST asian event in my city... (excluding the summer festival)...
the talent show was my stepping stone to confidence, organisation and a great social life...

although now i'm not likin the idea of MOST asians knowin me...
but... i'm in a place where lots of 23 year olds would LOVE to be in (bar the going to college and sloggin away at A levels )...

and now i'm dying of boredom, and it's only been a month i been back...
i need some sort of extra curricular activity to keep my daily life from being routine....
i'm gonna apply for a voluntary mentor scheme for black and asian youths... to keep them outta trouble really...

i just hope this year goes as quickly, if not quicker, than the year just gone....



(sorry for my non grammar and punctuation today... i'm SHATTTEREDDD!!!)
Prayer for today:
Allah, please keep all evil spirits, shaytaans and jinns away from me. Please stop them from affecting me anymore, please Allah. Ameen...

Lack of Food and Sleep = Hyperness leading to Tiredness...

Fasting hasn't had any affect on me, that normal people experience...
i've not been hungry, or thirsty (okeys maybe a little, but it's the same hunger i experience every morning at 11am when my lessons are getttin borrrrring)...
i've had the few random thoughts, and urges to swear... but all in all, it's fine...
except for, i'm abnormally tired these days...
morning and evening i am SHATTERED, but randomly in the afternoon i start gettin really hyper... *blushes*
it's reallly bad...

but yea, that reminds me! that's why i haven't blogged yesterday or today... Just been soo tired, and when i've been hyper, i've been in the kitchen making food and messing around with MeMe...

anyways, my prayer for yesterday was for Allah to give me the strength to do the greater of good and lesser of evil... if that made sense...
you know like... instead of just doing good instead of evil... i want to do the REALLLYYY good stuff, instead of just a little bit good stuff...
and if i give in to the Shaaytan and do evil, i'd rather do a tiny evil deed rather than a normal or BIG evil deed...

My prayer for today is, Allah please shower your
blessings upon my family... My papa especially... every morning he wakes up
really early to drop me off to college, and some days he wakes up when he
doesn't need to, and so wastes his sleep time... and to top it all off, he NEVER
complains...
I pray that Allah grants him one of the best places
in Jannah in the afterlife, and that in this life he doesn't face as much
struggle and bad stuff as he has done.
I also pray that my family could be one big happy
family again...Ameen....

Bunking College...

I didn't go to college on Monday, Wednesday or Friday...
and i haven't done any work since...
and i don't wanna go back...

with worries of my ovaries mal-functioning, the start of Ramadhan, the excitement of going to Garba next Saturday, the sadness of MiMi and MuMu now not being able to meet me AT all during the day.... i just can't be bothered...
my room has been a state all weekend, and i've made no attempt to make it any tidier...
i've busied myself with cooking, MeMe, tv or the net...

This is WHY you shouldn't miss too much college in one go... you end up losing the routine-ness of life...

Todays Prayer:

Allah, please help me from arguing with my sisters. Please keep my tongue from sinning. Allah, please help me keep my temper down.

Allah, please, not only help me with MY attitude and anger problems, but those who need your help too.

Ameen.

Ramadhan Mubarak...

The Month of Ramadhan started last night after the Magrib Prayer ( sunset )...

my plan for this year, is to pray for something different every Iftaar ( the meal you eat to break your fast )...

To all the Muslims out there, whether you started last night or tonight, Ramadhan Mubarak, and i hope you all do something positive this year :)

and to all the Hindu's out there, Happy Navratri :) ... hopefully your prayers get answered too! :)

Today's Prayer was:

Allah please help my family to be strong, and to guide them and help
them stay on the straight path.

Rabbir Ham Huma, Kama Rabba yani Saghira...

Ameen...

High School Musical...

Watched it last night, after seeing the trailers on Disney Channel from before the Summer Holidays...
I actually REALLY liked it...
it was done reallly well... usually i can't stand Disney Channel Movies, but this is an exception...
the acting was good (well, actually i might be biased, the guy's soo cute, and the girl's really pretty!), the songs are sooo hawwwwww *blushes* and the choreography is soooo coool!
I'd recommend that people watch this... even if you're not into soppy doppy happy stuff, it's really cool just watching it for the music and the dances...
"Getcha head in the game" was wow! i've been tryna copy a move for the past coupla hours and it's impossible man!!

I'm on a mission to get the sheet music for the songs for free on the net... if ANYONE comes across this page and can help, PLEASE leave a comment... please..?
I'd love to sing along to one of these songs properly and not with a kareoke cd...

***Added: Omg, just been youtubing and look at the weirdness that i've found!

• http://youtube.com/watch?v=gWeOTkMNYzk - Girls messing around to a song...
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=DGXpvQXc3y4 - The girl, the guy, and the girl from Suite life of Zack and Cody appearing on Hannah Montana... but htey put a song over the top.. gayness!
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=K1IskCf__qs - a erm.... mix off anything related to high school musical? and christina aguilera's "all i want is you" playing over??
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=C8hZdQQng3c - Breaking free...in spanish??? ... but it's such a nice song!!! you HAVE to watch it...

Enjoy!!!!

Psychic??

I was speaking to my mates yesterday about my ultra sound experience... and my Virgin Pregnancy

I went to Doctors today, and i explained to the Blonde Stranger that ToM hasn't visited me in over 2 months now...

The expected "you sure you're not pregnant? Have you had any sexual relationships?" came... and i laughed and shook my head violently... (Un)fortunately not!

She asked me if i had been gettin acne or facial hair... i thought she must mean my PMS signs, and i pointed to my head sitting on my cheek... "well, yea, can't you see??? i've got spots, a tasche, and i've been bloated for over a month now!"
"Ok, but your acne and facial hair, has it been gettin worse? your hair growin any thicker than normal?"
again, i pointed at my upper lip, feeling the need to roll my eyes... "yea, look! it's a full grown tasche!"

"ok Giti, it might just be a hormonal imbalance"
Just then i remember to add in, "I've had irregular periods forever, i once even was reffered to a gynaecologist, who put me on the pill"
She quickly added to her scribbles "Ultrasound" and underline it... THREE TIMES!
"Giti, you may or may not have polycystic ovaries, it's nothing serious, just follicles growing on your ovaries which may be preventing you from having your periods. We'll need to do an ultra sound to see, is that ok?"
She looked at me with caring eyes... yet, i felt like she was the biggest bitch i ever met...
She said it wasn't serious, but in my neurotic head, all i heard was "you're going to die Giti..." (melodramatic i know, but i can't help think that about every illness i get, even the common cold!)

She started tapping away at her computer, giving me a chance to ... think...?
but i wasn't, i concentrated on the pictures on the walls, anything to distract me from the horribleness of the news i was given just a second ago...

She turned back and asked sharply, "would you like us to scan the tummy? or probe your vagina"...
that question was soo random, i just stared at her...
"i take it you'd like the tummy scan?"
"er.... yea! please! i don't like being probed!" i laughed...

walking home, i didn't think about it at all, i was thinkin about how i was missing my Spanish lesson and that i had to catch up on soo much college work! Life is unfair being a student!

i got home, and started to research....
and the results have lead me to have tear stained cheeks and once again, i've not done my business homework...
I don't wanna go to college tomorrow, but i have to...
i just want to get the blood test and scan over and done with...
Hopefully the 28th will come quickly...

....I'm actually really scared...

Subhanallahi Wa Bihamdi Subhanal Lahil Azeem
La Hawla Wa La Quwwata Illah Billa...

It's weird though, how i was speaking about it all yesterday... must be psychic vibes, hai na?

Virgin Pregnancy...

I've suffered symptoms of Virgin Pregnancy quite a few times now... and it seems it's contagious...

Virgin Pregnancy - missing your period for more than 2 months, and thinking your pregnant even though you haven't touched a guy like that...

When i was doing my GCSE's, I had one period every 4 months it seemed... and at one point i went 6 months without ToM... I still got bloated though, and my breasts grew a bit too...
It wasn't long before i was being asked by neices, friends, aunties, strangers etc etc, how i got myself into that situationg...
I was soo confuzzled! but when they pointed at my "bump" (my wobbly over hang bit of belly!) i clocked on...
and i thought and thought and thought.... and i became more worried, more paranoid, and more panicky...
"I'm having a baby.."
the paranoid thoughts got sooo bad, that i went to doctors in tears...
now the doctor obviously decoded my ramblings and thought i had very irregular periods and maybe something in my womb (i'm guessing!) and so she sent me to a gynaecologists to get an ultra sound done...

the minute i saw the letter, i burst in to tears and called Shaaf... "i'm REALLY pregnant!!!"
the ultra sound scan was fine, although when the woman was like "you can go to the toilet, but only half go" i was soooo confuzzzled! and had to stay an extra hour so i could fill up on water again *rolls her eyes*

I've had lots more "i'm pregnant moments" since... but usually a mate calms me down, and reminds me, i've never been THAT intimate with a guy, for there to be any worry...

What's more funnier, is since hearing about my "pregnancy" lots of friends have had it too....
ooopsie!!!

My "presenting" -ness...

i feel like i'm stuck in a rut at the moment...
nothing's progressing for me, well, in terms of my "presenting career"...

During the Summer months, i had been getting contacted by lotsa peoples in the media... for different things, from channel 4 for that "meet new friends who share the same interest" show.. the woman for Skins, although she wasn't looking for an asian girl... D.B Media and so on...
but now it just feels like it's stopped... after the trial morning show on community radio...
i know it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet, but i like continuously progressing towards my goals...

I emailed D.B media again, and it seems as if they've forgotten me, although it was THEM who contacted me in the first place... they asked for pictures and contact details... AGAIN!...
argh!!!

I spoke to "Dolphin" at the mela, and he told me to go through Modelling... but, the thing is... even doing what i'm doing now is seen as bad in my parents eyes... if they knew that i was modelling, they'd go mental!
so, that's not even a route i could go through...
the other way he said was through radio...

I got the guy who produces the sunday soundtrack's email address... so i might email him...
Radio-wise, I wanna go into bbc asian network ultimately, but how?! - this might be my way in...
I'm gonna still push on with DB Media though... i mean, look at Mutz Cutz, Jus Bhangra and that chart show thingy on zee music...

i think i DO have the right personality and qualities to go into presenting...
it's a shame, that none of the "VIP" peoples can see it...

I'm gonna try contacting the local BBC Radio; cause they do like an evening a week of asian stuff...
Saadiyah* was offered a job at some channel called DM .. it's a pakistani channel...
i should look around something for me... maybe Channel S???

Strepsils & Tongue = Panicked Brother...

The whole household have been arguing today,
me with my little sister,
little sister with dad
dad with little brother
little sister with little brother
dad with big sister
etc etc...

and so i found my little brother hidden under the table in a mood..
i went to play with him, and he started attacking me with his legs... My older sister joined us.. and started to stroke his cheeks, only to have her earrings yanked out...
so i went out the room, pretending to be moody... when i had an idea... he'll forget about being moody, if i tell him i'm dying (me and my brother are realllly close, although there's an 11 year old age gap)...
Due to my sore throat, i've been sucking on red strepsils all day (in between downing hot hot lemon tea) and so my tongue looks horrrribbbllleeee and incredibly red!

I ran back into the kitchen calling out his name, and acting really worried...
"My tongues bleeding Meme!"
Immediately, he rushed out to have a look... he said he couldn't find the cut, and i didn't think he was buying it...
"Meme, i can taste blood"
he dashed for the sink, grabbed a dirty glass and started to fill it with water...
i gave him a clean cup, cause i didn't want him to put dirty water in my mouth...
he spent about 10 minutes pouring water on my tongue...
and then we went to check my tongue in the mirror...

[My tongue after having mugs and mugs of water poued on it...]

It looked pink, and my older sister was telling him that i was lying...

i then asked him to check my breathe
(me and him play a game, where we breathe into each others' nose, whoever has hte smelliest breath wins... - yes, it's gross, but i don't really breathe on his nose... and when he breathes i try really hard not to inhale)
he put his nose near my tongue, almost touching it...
inhaled and said
"it smells candy"...

Bless him... for a while we were happy again, he was probably relieved that his best friend wasn't dying.
and then he clocks on... "heeey, you tricked me!"

Again, he's being moody with me and hitting me...
*tears*..

Procrastination...

...it's my favourite past time...
I love to put things off... unless i feel like i MUST do it NOW!
e.g - making this blog thingy look a bit nicer, writing revision cards during lessons *rolls her eyes*.. anything to put off what i'm MEANT to be doing...

The word procrastination reminds me of latin lessons in year 10..
when we were learnt about the word Cras...and so Mrs Night* decided to teach us about the word "procrastination"...

Latin origins - “pro,” meaning “forward, forth, or in favor of,” and “crastinus,” meaning “of tomorrow”...

The word reminds me of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, there was an episode where she spent the WHOLE 30 minutes just saying the goddamn word!
"i procrastinate too much"
"procrastination is bad"
"i should really stop procrastinating" ... etc etc...

I guess i'm procrastinating now, LOLZ!.... i WAS gonna say that i spent ALL evening (maybe day) tryna make this blog look nicer, and so tomorrow, after work, i have my Spanish presentation to prepare, my Psychology project to figure out, and my Business Question to answer...
great hai na???

Oxford dictionary should put a picture of me next to the word "procrastinator" ...

Croaky, raspy, gruff...

Summer has officially gone...
Wanna know how i know???

I have a sore throat...

It's not the kind where you have a lot phlegm to ease the grating pain... it's the dry one... where it hurteds by just yawning...
- yea, i've been like predisposed to have sore throats, so i know that there are many different types...
and i know that you can't have a sore throat without a change in your voice...

but gayness! this is my first sore throat without a voice change! No croakey-ness, no Husky voice... not even a dying zombie rasp...
I have to admit, i'm pretty dissapointed... The voice change keeps me entertained all throughout the "illness"... especially if i sound like a boy going through puberty, or sound really husky...

It's been about 6 months that i haven't used lozenges, such as Vocal zone or Strepsils, but then again, i haven't done public speaking or singing in a while...
But d'ya know what?? I HATE lozenges ( even though strepsils and throaties taste sooo yummmyyy)... not only when you suck for tooo long, do they leave gay cuts and "craters" on your tongue... which PAINS sooo much when you brush your tongue the next day...but if you have too many in too short a time, you end up gettin the runs! :

I remember using cough sweets to help me go to the toilet more often in the day...
it was an experiment to see if you would lose more weight by going to the toilet more...
If it had ANY effect, it was toooo miniscule to notice...

I feel like Phoebe from friends... i want a change in my voice!!! *bangs her arms on the desk and her legs around like a 5 year old*... I WANT I WANT I WANT!!! *folds arms* hmph!!!

Take me on a journey...

I've noticed I haven't been "excited" by anyone for the past... year?? maybe longer... let's say since my ex... (which was nearly 2 years ago...)
He might've been a rudeboi wannabe and looked like one of them racoons... ( the one in the middle ) and we hardly ever had an intelligent conversation, if anything he made me dumber - (he made me speak ghetto language and use crude language especially in my mother tongue!) ... but he could get me excited with just just a click of his fingers...
The reason we broke up, was that i wanted MORE than just hickeys and dirty underwear... i wanted a relationship, not someone to do hanky panky with...

But, that doesn't mean that i don't want ANYTHING physical... I'm one horny bitch, most things can make me get that throbbing feeling down under... but i've noticed, i haven't got that feeling from lookin at, speaking to, or thinking about any guys i know...

Most of the time i've been fantasising about celebrities... *blushes*...

Justin Timberlake,
Jay Sean
Owais Khan
...even Omarion! (i never used to find him THAT attractive...wheeww boy!) *blushes*

I just want some one "human" now...

I'm thinking that my quest for "the One" is gettin kinda crappy...

- yea yea, i know i'm only 18 and all... but, if you think about it realistically, i got about 4 years to find him... if not, i'll either end up with a Doctor from back home who i can't understand and is very enthusiastic, maybe even aggressive in the bedroom, or a Doctor from back home who doesn't understand jokes and thinks of bedroom action as dirty...

If you're out there... pleaaaaseeeeee let yourself be known... i don't wanna end up with someone who is dull or someone who is too much!

Not fair, guys can't have "the effect" with me, but i've already made a few guys relate to the following song... Not fair at all!

#...There's something 'bout me that you ought to know
I never felt the need to lose control
Always held on back and played it slow
But not this time

Baby, don't be gentle,
I can handle anything

Baby,
Take me on a journey.
I've been thinking lately,
I could use a little time alone with you.
Crazy,
Let's do something, maybe.
Please don't take your time,
You got me,
Right where you want me

I'm gonna let you have your way with me
When you move like that,
Its hard to breathe
I never thought that it could be like this
But I was wrong

Baby, don't be gentle,
I can handle anything.

Baby,
Take me on a journey.
I've been thinking lately,
I could use a little time alone with you.
Crazy,
Let's do something, maybe.
Please don't take your time,
You got me,
Right where you want me.

Can't explain it,
How you swept me off my feet, unexpectedly.
In slow motion,
My imagination running trying to keep my body still,
I can hardly stand the thrill.

Baby, don't be gentle,
I can handle anything.

Baby,
Take me on a journey.
I've been thinking lately,
I could use a little time alone with you.
Crazy,
Let's do something, maybe.
Please don't take your time,
You got me,
Right where you want me...#

Since you been gone...

#...And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get, I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again....


Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get, I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone...#

Shaaf*... I love knowing i'm so totally over someone... *can't wipe that ridiculous grin off her face*
I was sooo obsessed with Shaaf... and now, i don't care... well i DO...i care about him lots still... but i don't care if he calls me, thinks about me... whatever...
It's officially over... :)

The closest to a soulmate i've gotten to... but totallly farrr offffff....

...Lesbianism...

The dreaded thought...
It's a big no no in Asian Culture...

Actually, anything related even slightly to sexual relations is a no no...

Since i was young, my parents both drummed into my skulls
"boys = bad... friendships with boys = bad... relationships which could lead to sexual stuff = murder"... lolz!
They put me and my older sister in all girls' private institute, not only cause the academic standards were AMAZING (back then!! not now!), but they used it as a barrier between us and guys...
but it's kinda like the forbidden fruit thingy...
You tell us not to do it, we'll do it even more..

Hence, why i have a list of a kajillion guys (yes, i exagerate) who i've talked to, fantasised about, made out with...
Even though i was filled with guilt (and i still am, seeing as i'm still carrying on hvaing male friends and flirting away more than ever these days) it felt good.. cause i got what i was not to have...

But there was period when i was anti-guy.... my parents had brainwashed me so i thought "eeeurgh guys!"... if i spoked to a guy, it was in the brotherly sense...
My parents had acheived their goal of puttin me off guys, but in doing so, they pushed me towards thinking about girls in a sexual manner...
Going to an all girls' school, i saw sooo many tits, ass and nether regions *rolls eyes*... and we were reallly open with each other, we'd cup each others boobs and compare sizes, we'd sit on top of each other, we'd give each other massages... It was all done in innocence, but as i grew a bit older, i realised that i began to think about women more and more and not in a "haww she's soo perddddyy" way.. it was more of a "OMG! SHE'S FITTT" way...

For a long time, i thought i was the only Asian girl who thought like this, but i've noticed so many other girls are like this too... They may joke around pretending to be lesbian, but when asked they show their disgust...
but you'd have to have some sort of those desires to know HOW to pretend to be lesbianistic...

Now, I've gone back to my guys... and i'm loving it...
but it doesn't mean that i don't cream myself when i see a really beautiful woman showing her flesh...
I just worry about all these other girls, who will undoubtedly be pushed from one extreme to the other... Parents need to stop FORCING their kids not to do stuff; otherwise they'll push them to two sides :
a)the minute they make something illegal, the more desireable it becomes...
b)make them hate something soo much, they go to the alternative...

I've gone through both, and even though i got a lot of considerable pleasure from them... i wouldn't want other girls to have to be put through all that, just to discover that they actually just wanna be normal and be like how Allah intended them to be...

2nd Best...

In the picture you can see a woman, red in the face, exhausted, upset...
A little girl sitting next to the woman, confused but with a slight smile...
The woman is about to reach over to the girl for a hug or a kiss...
If you look closer you can see a tiny little new born baby, tucked out of sight...
I was that baby...

and that's been my story since...
even when the younger siblings came along... i was still pushed away into a corner, whilst she showered my siblings with love, hugs and praise.

When i was a bit older, i used to get upset at the tiniest of things, papa used to be out all the time, so i only had my mum to go to...
Many peoples used to see this and think i was the most favoured... but it was ME going to mum, not Her coming to me...

[I'll compare myself to Rani* mostest, cause we're closer in age and so it's easier to see our differences]

I started doing the housework from a young age, at first i used to help with just making the sitting room look tidy, then washing up cups and glasses... My older sister did nothing, she didn't even help with looking after my little sister...
I tell my 11 year old sister to help around the house now and i get "I'm only a kid, i shoudln't have to do ANYTHING"... yet when i was 10 i was shouted at if i hadn't washed up properly or if i didn't tidy up my OWN bed...

During my adolescent years, i rebelled... against everything...
I hated the culture created in our house... for years i had supressed what went on at home, but i started to break...
i told the girls at my school... coming from a sheltered rich high standard life, they couldn't even begin to imagine the basics of what was happening..

Mum was on anti-depressants, my elder sister having an online
relationship with a guy in the States who she had met twice in her life - once
as a child and once back home when on holiday, the younger sister learning how
to be a bitch and practising on me everyday...
I was taking care of my little brother...

It was as if i was describing a horror movie to these posh girls...
[i went to a private all girls' school on a full bursary, my sister went with 3/4 scholarship - again the 2nd bestness, she earnt hers, i won minez..
The girls attending were daughters of rich doctors, lawyers etc etc... 1 in 50 weren't caucasian... 2% of these non-whites were middle class citizens who were usually struggling to make ends meet.. ]
I saw the look on their faces whilst i told them... they didn't believe me; they even went as far as thinking I was making it up...
So i went back to supressing what was happening at home, that i was the black sheep of the family...
My sister breezed through school, getting mostly A-B grades... I usually scraped a B - again, 2nd best...

and now, I'm at college, finally with peoples from my own background, people who understand me... I'm acheiving more than i would've expected... yet i'm still not as good as any of my siblings... Rani* got AMAZING grades at AS and A2, i won't...

Rani* is allowed to study at a University in London, however, I'm not allowed to move out my house, let alone the city...
Yes, i have more independence than her and my parents are less strict with me, but that's because they still baby her... They mollycoddle her...
She's to start her 2nd year at uni, and she made my parents sort out her flat for her... So what if she's not living at home, she's still taggin onto my mum's achaal...

when it comes to relationships and marriage, Rani* has the upperhand... She's already singled out her "the One" and kudos to her... but we grew up accepting that we'd have an arranged marriage - NO NOT FORCED!... that our parents would have A LOT of say in the whole affair...
it just seems unfair that they're accepting Rani's choice without even giving the boy a once over!
Whereas with me, it'll be a process of THEM choosing a few suitable men, and asking me which one i think is best... and they'd choose them for their own tastes: family background, wealth, status, mannerisms, education....
they wouldn't stop to think about his personality, his leisure activities, his friends, whether he was able to support me emotionally.... I know they wouldn't cause that's not important to them..and they don't even know what i'm looking for, or what emotional or physical needs i have!
As long as he treats elders with respect, has lots of money, a respectable family and background and qualifications - he's WOOOOWWWWWW!!!....

Seeing as my wedding will probably be 2 or 3 years after Rani's, my parents will be in LOTS of debt... meaning i get a 2nd best wedding...

Everything is 2nd best... even our friends!!! My parents bumlick, buttsuck, ass rape - call it what you want - Rani's mates... even when they're SOOOOO annoying...
yet, they don't give 2 shits about my mates... even though it's these mates that are stopping me from doing stuff that would give the family shame...
The parents don't even wanna know.. i'd be surprised if they knew my two best mates names...

And so, by being 2nd best for such a long time, i have learnt to complain and moan about anything and everything to myself...
It's all because i wasn't a boy... i was a girl - i was 2nd best...

FAO: Man on the Coach to London

I regret not taking your number...
I regret not listening properly when you told me your name...
I was a cow, and i'm really sorry....

Your numerology stuff was sooo cool!... but kinda weird..
and thanks again for letting me read your book on sufism... I even lost the peice of paper with the name of the book...

I usually keep something from most meetings i have (that are special, or different)... but i have nothing from our 2 and half hour journey to london.... although i DO still have my travel card (i hope!)

It'd be cool if we DID meet again... it's been a long time since i've been able to chat freely to some one other than my 2 best mates...
and it was cool that you're into numerology and that... you figured me out in no time! lolz...

I should've taken your number whilst it was going through my mind, but my shyness and scaredism (if that could be a word) stopped me...
You're a cool dude, dude!
MoC (Man on Coach), insha Allah, we'll meet again! :) ...(not on a coach though... i think i would've thrown up on you, if i didn't have my water and mints...)

ToM why won't you visit me?!?!

I have 2 psychology essay plans that i need to do by 9am tomorrow morning - like that's gonna happen.
I have a spanish translation to do of some english newspaper talking about the civil war in spain... If i wanted to do history, i would've done it in ENGLISH!
Mimi (one of my best mates) has abandoned me and gone to London to party for the week.... Mumu (my childhood best mate) is busy getting ready for Uni in Cardiff....

I am a loner...
Wearing my kurta tops, pashminas and rolled up jeans, carrying my over the shoulder bag full of useless junk and my folder, i walk around college... on my own...

When i come home, i like to sit in the bathroom... and just sit...
If my parents force me to come out, i like to be in the kitchen on my own and do the washing up..
I find a great sense of relief, somehow, from washing up and cleaning.
but i mostly like to just sit...

The She-Devils who live with me, feel the need to pester me constantly, and speak total utter shit...
They speak about the same things that the people at college speak about - Fashion, The other sex, Fashion, Relationships, Fashion....
*bangs head repeatedly against the wall*

I don't wanna knoooowwwwwwww!!!!

"Can i go on the computer?"
Can't they see that i'm busy staring blankly at the monitor ?! Why must they disturb me???
"Can you look after my bags?"
Can't they see that i'm gonna be in the library - the place in college that they don't know about....?!??!?!?!?

Last year it was good....
I had my Mimi, we had jokes, did our work... we were productive, and we worked hard...!
These so called friends i have now.... what the hell do they think they're doing wrestling in the canteen??? Don't they have a lesson to get to???
Do they really expect to pass their A Levels?!?

Hawwwww, I'm off to roughly plan my essays on Duck & Lee and the Dissolution of Relationships...
Fun(!)

*My hatred for everything and everyone and "I can't be arsed"-ness in this post is probably due to ToM delaying his visit... My hormones are all over the place and i'm dying for my period...*

Public Transport...

She ran her fingers through her thick, dark hair, looking at the blurry road signs that whizzed past her. She put the bag carrying her spanish and french file on the floor.
A lock of her hair was being pulled between her index and middle finger until it was looped over and smoothed back between her fingers...
The sun's heavy rays beat down on Sahar's temple forcing her to squeeze her eyes shut. She was being allergic to sunlight today.
The bus jolted to a stop, and the elderly woman next to her got up and off the bus.
A tall Asian young man sat down next to her, his hand held a small tablet of silver with white wires leading to his ears, he tapped his feet whilst bopping his head,
#...Hosh na khabar hai, yeh kaisa asar hai
Tumse milne ke baad dilbar...#
Sahar reluctantly opened her eyes, Who is playing that freshi music so loud?
Without moving her head, she slid her eyes to her right, with her eyebrow raised so it looked like a 90º angle on the right side of her forehead.Her bitch stare; it had taken many years for her to master this look, and she only intended to use it on insolent people who had no care for other peoples needs or feelings.
Figures... a typical rudeboy, listening to poncy filmi music! SHUT UP!!! Some people are TRYING to RELAX!!!!
He must've felt her glare, in a quick second he moved his head to the left and was examining her facial expression.
She was taken by surprise and her pissed off expression which seemed frozen was wiped off her face immediately, instead her lips quivered in embarassment, her eyes darted around in guilt and her head dropped due to the awkwardness of his big brown eyes which were observing her actions to the minute detail. He cocked his head to the side and smiled,
"Hey, y'arright? I'm Ray", she flicked the hair from her face and studied his expression
He doesn't seem THAT bad, looks kinda genuine... Say Hi, Sahar!
"...erm... Hi?", she stuttered not knowing what to do.
"was my music too loud?" his shoulders rose up almost in a shrug, and he looked down his nose at her with those big brown eyes.
She bit her lower lip, her lips curled up into a corner smile. She sighed as her eyes soften and she shook her head, "nah, it's arright, i like that song actually"
"So I'm guessing you're headed to Hayston?" his big brown eyes staring at her
mmm, he has nice eyes, I should soo take a picture, she giggled quietly to herself,
"erm, nah, I live near there though - Eastfield."
His lips parted and he revealed the kind of smile only hollywood actors have, straight perfect teeth which almost flashed at her.
"Ah, the good part of Hayston!" he laughed, his eyes sparkled and the dimple on his cheek became visible.
Sahar spoke to her scuffed black shoes, "Yea..."
An awkard silence past with Ray letting out a sigh and Sahar concentrating on her shoes. She tilted her head so that she could see him without looking at him, He's kinda cute!
He wore a black shirt, with his top buttons undone displaying his smooth chest; his faded jeans torn at the knee with physics equations written down his right thigh...
"Yea, you know Eastfield is the nicer part of Hayston" she said playfully, her corner smile appearing, the way she knew could either be interpreted as seductive or coy...
"Oh wait, crap! I missed my stop!... was nice speaking to you... erm..."
"Sahar"
He flashed his perfect smile again, ran his hands through his intentionally messy hair, slight colour forming at the apples of his cheek
"Yea, Sahar... was cool chatting yea?"
He put his earphones back on, looked at her and winked, before he got up, shouted "Cheers Drive" and got off.
Sahar followed him with her eyes and smiled to herself, she could smell his scent still lingering in the bus.
Her fingers reached for her hair again as she noticed a slip of paper on the seat next to her. She smoothed a thick lock of hair through her index and middle finger again, whilst staring at the slip - contemplating whether she should touch it or not.
Her right hand edged towards the teared peice of paper, and she gingerly touched it, almost as if she was scared.

"Bellez Moi Por Favor - 07*1*8*0*2* "

Silently, she wrapped her long fingers around the scrap of paper, scrunchled it up and then put it in her pocket. She bit her lower lip as she played with her hair, her hand retrieving her phone from her pocket. She mindlessly saved him under “Big Brown Eyes".

Her First...

She checked her reflection in the mirror, adjusting the top of her dress so that her curves were visible. A little bit of gloss on her lips, and shimmer dust down her shins and on her collar bone.
Another lady entered the women's toilets, and reminded Sahar where she was and what she was doing: on a date with Suhayl and tonight she was going to let him have what he had desired for a long time, her body.

Suhayl was her first... She had never been with another man before, not even in the emotional sense and definately not the physical sense, yet she oozed confidence and not an ounce of worry could be seen. Although she had been worried about this day for a long time, she wasn't going to let nerves ruin her night.

A quick spritz of Vanilla Musk and a check to ensure that the red lace from her bra could be seen and she left the toilets, walking confidently back to the table.

"I didn't leave for too long did I?" she asked as she sat down, her lip curling up at the side to give a seductive smile.
Suhayl took hold of her hands and lightly stroked her fingers with his thumb "No, just gave me time to order dessert." He then leaned in and whispered "I'm sure you'll like the Chocolate Supreme, maybe we can have some fun"
Sahar's eyes widened Chocolate Supreme AND flirty behaviour? She giggled, "I'm guessing I'm not the only one looking for some fun tonight" She raised her eyebrow and bit her lower lip softly, the way she knew would make a guys' spine tingle.

Her new heels ran down the length of his leg, forcing him squeeze her hand tightly.
She wanted to kiss him, to finally feel the warmth of his breath on her face. She wanted to caress his neck and face with her fngertips and make him want more. Her mouth became dry from thinking about what she'd do to him, had they been left alone. She let go of his hands and poured another glass of water for herself, whilst watching him intently.
Suhayl clutched at his cutlery as if it would stop him from gettin aroused, she was almost massaging his leg with her now bare foot, and it was obvious he wanted more.
He let out a sigh and tilted his head to one side, his hair flopping over his eyes,"You know what? Let's skip desert and head over to my place"
Inside Sahar was rejoicing, her eyes flashed with excitement and she bit her lower lip...
"Well..." she looked directly into his eyes, wanting to hold his gaze longer than was necessary, "if you're offering, I might just have to..."

Ambitions...

Coming from a middle/low class bengali family, i've had ambitions since i was tiny... (yes i'm still tiny now, but shush!)
I wanted to be a doctor from such a young age, i can't remember how i started thinking about it...
I'm thinking my dad's health must have something to do with it, he's diabetic and has other health implications...
I used to watch him in the mornings, taking his blood pressure, checking his blood sugar levels and injecting himself with insulin. He'd never let me do it for him, so i'd just watch and learn how and what he did.

Once my dad heard that i wanted to be a doctor, he backed me 100%, he bought me a microscope set, and everytime we went to doctors he'd ask the doctors for any advice on my behalf...

by the time i was 15, i really thought i had a chance in the medical world...
i was put into the middle group of science gcse, yet during classes and term time i was gettin higher marks than those in the top group.
However due to illness my actual Gcse mark was BB, not high Bs, not low Bs... i was right bang in the middle..
when i carried on with the sciences for AS level, i was told by all the teachers i would struggle... and struggle i did...
and so my chance to get into medicine was gettin slimmer and slimmer as my homework pile was gettin higher and higher...
i then remembered that i did work experience in Specsavers, and thought that Optometry could be a line that i went through , as it only required Physics... but when my A/S results came through, i decided to leave my dream of the medicine world totally.

I then wandered around for 6 months with no hopes, no ambitions, nothing... i then became heavily involved in volunteering around my local community, and i began to see the work of youth work... and it was something that i COULD do, and could possibly WANT to do...
and so i began to change my CV and Personal Statement around so it was focused on Youth Work...
December 2005 and i presented in one of Bristol's biggest Asian show...
and my confidence soared... i was approached by Organisations and local Radio to present one off events...
As i started to get the hang of it all, i started considering this as a possible career path... i had taken interviews for channel 4, and also auditioned for a new show called "skins"...
i was contacted by a producer who does shows on Zee muzic... things were looking up...
and then i got my own Radio show on local community station...

so now, i have 2 dreams...
one - go into youth work and help out kids with whatever...
the other - go into media and get into presenting...

all i can do is try and make my chances of gettin both as big as possible... the rest i leave to Allah...

but wouldn't it be cool if i had a show on zee muzic?!?!

Seducer in the making...

I've taken this quiz 3 times... http://www.seducersworld.com/rateskills.html

the first time i took it i was 16 (i think).... and obviously had no experience what so ever in how to speak to guys, let alone flirt...
so i got

"15 and below: You are full of misconceptions and prejudices when it comes to
seduction, qualities that will hold you back in many facets of life. If you are haughty and think you know everything or hate the whole idea of seduction, then good luck and God be with you. But if you are open to change, you will find this book extremely refreshing and useful.
Remember-great seducers are made, not born."

Then i took the quiz again this time last year...

"20-30: You are an average seducer, who often makes mistakes. You need to read this book to learn about those mistakes, and how to avoid them. This book will help you in all kinds of social situations, and help you reflect on why sometimes you lack an ability to charm those you want to charm. "

and i just took it now...

"40-50: You have a good, natural feel for seduction, but you have a few blind spots and your skills need to be honed and tightened. You need a challenge. The Art of Seduction will give you some ideas as to how you can improve your already
considerable skills, and build upon your natural talents. "

As you can see... i've climbed up the seducer ladder quite significantly in the past year...I was one point off from being in the top seducing category... darn it! lolz...

I just feel bad for all the guys out there...

I can be a she-devil when i know someone's interested...

the Man eater...

During the past few years of my adolescent life i have gone through "liking" guys like changing my socks...
The first proper guy was Rock-ad*, then his mate Sheep*...
Then we moved onto (gosh, i can't even remember his name!) but the guy from bangladesh, we'll call him M... shortly after him there was Anik...That was one of the longest i think...
Then we had Junoon*, (who i thought was my "first proper crush" LMAO!)... and after that... it was Shaf* - the person who confuzzled me totally... after him it was Sweb*... a little bit of Goofy* ...then there was that thing with Shaun - didn't last too long...
and that was from the start to finish of my School...
Then came college, and to begin it i had M-Ash*... i slowly began to forget about Shaf... i had important things to do, people to meet, and parties to attend... RBoy*, Paresh*, Nas*...
and then i met TV*... we spoke for hours on end... and everything slowed down, i was happy talking to one or 2 people, not a kajillion peoples who's names i wouldn't remember... he was sensitive, caring, kinda negative... but different to most guys... i said no to him...
and carried on with my man eaterish ways... there was Himmat*, Snake* & Taylor*... i developed my relationship with RBoy*... to the point where i almost got him to say he DID like me... but i was cast away like an old toy, when he met a girl who couldn't spread stuff about him in the city...
My hunger still hadn't been satisfied, i wanted and wanted, one boy after the next...
now, i didn't even care about their names, or what their favourite cartoons were, i just needed them to say it... to say that they wanted me...
Summer came and with it came opportunities to meet more guys... there was Mohammed*, Ray* and so many more...

Melas one after the other, Meals at posh restaurents, Nights out in town, Msn conversations lasting until 3am...
when will it end???

When will i meet the one who puts a stop to my cravings...?
He won't ruin me.. i've been ruined long ago...
People are just only begining to see this "secret" side of me now...


*Names have been changed in order to keep peoples identities anonymous...

First Entry...

I've decided to come back to blogspot...
it's more secure than the other site with my diary...
so i won't always have to save it straight away, fearing that the site might go down...

I've recently read a few other blogs... and i'm just thinking... why do minez always seem soo gay and boring compared to other peoples??

... oh well.. i shall work on improving the way i write my diary entries i guess...
(first : let's figure out how you work this site again though...)