"Don't know how it got so crazy..."

Sang Brian Litrell in "Back to your Heart".

Mum's been gone two weeks.
I've been locked inside this house for two weeks.
(Except for when I have work).
I'm slowly going insane.

I've shunned my responsibilities and duties today.
I feel like crying.
...and possibly running away.

It's Quasimodo's birthday next Wednesday.
I got excited and asked Trousersnake to get his address.
I then re-read some of Quasimodo's writing, and remembered...
His grandfather passed away on the 25th...
Do I act all Spazlish? Or treat it like it's any random person's birthday?

I had the worst freudian slip with him last night.
He told me he'd slap me, and I called him a wife beater.
Cue the awkward silence, and eventually he had to go.
I haven't spoken to him since.

I'm dying for some emotional comfort at the moment, and I dont want to call him.
I hate calling him all the time, and waiting for his calls.
I hate not knowin where I stand with him.

Oh great, The sisters just had some sort of argument and got dad involved.
And who got the blame? Yes, me...
I finally asked my dad, on a serious level, whether I could move out next year.
He said, what's the point if you're going to live in the same city.
That answered my question, didn't it?

I've been planning a trip to London since January.. I initially planned for June.. I wasn't allowed..
The summer's going, and I'm dying for a break.

Older sister is getting too involved in my life,
and with everything, she keeps bringing up Islam.
She wants to enforce her opinions and beliefs on me.
Why doesn't she accept what I like and don't like?
She wants me to marry a Joydeep (google Star Plus - Kyunki Saas bhi Kabhi Bahu thi..)...
I don't even want to think of marriage...
I want to have fun, fall in lust, in like, and in love...
I want to feel what it's like to be totally happy with someone, and then I also want to know what it's like to feel heart broken...
I want to bump and grind with someone I like, who's not a girl and my best mate.
Us four siblings went out for a meal, and I wanted to wear my skirt, but I wore leggings underneath. She made me change.
So what if she doesn't show anything except her head. I want to flaunt what I've got.
The hijab didn't liberate me.
Everyone has commented on how I'm different without the hijab.
The minute I take it off, I feel more confident, and it shows.

I have an appointment with the Doctors about my penetration problem.
The worry has kept me up at nights...
How do I tell someone that I'm an undercover horny bitch?
That I get wet everytime I'm in a 5 metre radius of a male, or a very hawt female?
That I have playtime nearly every night?
That I'm too scared to put anything inside me, myself... but I guess I'm too scared subconciously to even let anyone else do it?
The fact that she's Asian, and I go to a surgery in my local community doesn't help.
I'm scared... and no one can hold my hand.
Because about from Bin Walid and Quasimodo no one knows...


I need lots of hugs.
Not virtual ones..
I want real ones.

When it rains...

...it pours.

Recently, I've been surrounded by illness.
My uncle from Germany had been diagnosed with cancer earlier on this year, after suffering from stroke or a heart attack.
My mum's just not recovering. She has some problem with her lungs, that doctors just can't diagnose. She also has problems with her joints, especially her legs.
I, myself, had that weird period full of temperatures and dizziness.
My little sister just isn't getting better... I also fear she's becoming anorexic. Her way of thinking is scary. She's 12, and she already worries about her weight. She never eats lunch at school, and hasn't developed yet. Which is weird, because, me, mum and my older sister were women by the age of 11 - physically.
Last night, we discovered my nani (in Bangladesh now) had a mild heart attack. Since she's been under medical care, she's been diagnosed with diabetes and also lung infection.

I can see that it's all taking its toll on my mum.
Her sister's husband, her mother, her daughter...
What does a girl, who's meant to be the black sheep of the family, do?
Pray? Give her mum a hug? Make the curry?

On top of all this, there's the on going financial stuff going on.
We've lost £10,000 due to a money transfer business going into liquidation.
I'm dreading the day my bank statement reaches my dad's hands.

I've not spoken to Quasimodo properly, still!
I think I'll just leave the whole, "does he like me? does he not". He's busy with the wedding season and all... and I've got my own shizzle too...
I just want to see him... and as corny as it sounds, I just want one of his hugs... a kiss or few wouldn't be bad either.
Then again, I've not seen my girls in a while either, and a hug from them would be appreciated just as much.

I've been meaning to clean out for two weeks.
No, not just my room... the kitchen downstairs... and my head as well.
Some thoughts and memories have gots ta go... as well as all those receipts i'm hoarding in all my 15 drawers...


...yes, Shaaf has been plaguing my thoughts recently...
Not really the best time for thoughts of him to pop up...

I need to buy a new brolly.

...Confusion...

Ok, I've been speaking to Quasimodo since February...
The Monday before my birthday, I came for the first time in years. I don't think even Sweb managed to ever make me reach the big O so good feeling.
I knew I was attracted to Quasimodo the person, reading his posts and profiles on different networking sites, I was being drawn to him more and more.
One thing that turns me on is intellect. I know I'm not the smartest and I definately have more blonde moments than the average person, but, I love listening to people trying to teach me interesting and complex things.
To top it off, he's a freak! Such an oddball, I can't begin to explain how weird he is. He's different, and I really liked that.
But, at the same time, I still was obsessed about Ratboy... and I used to tell Quasi everything about my Ratboy problem, even though, I knew at night time, I'd be secretly wanting Quasi to tell me about his fantasies, which would immediately get my pants wet.
It's been 4 months now, and everything's happened so fast;
he gave me my new identity, Nessy.
We've had our first date.
and... I think we both have developed some sort of feelings for each other.
He's a lot more "soppy" and talks really lovey dovey to me at times, whereas before it was just pure desire "I want my dick in your pussy". Yes, it really is that explicit - but it doesn't make me gag and want to slap him. It makes me want him more.

I was meant to meet up with him for the 2nd time today.
But, Karma works in weird ways, and it didn't work out.
We spoke on the phone, and after nearly a month, I came. The orgasm itself was really short. But considering the mess I made, and realising how much I've fallen in love with his voice alone, was good enough for me.
He took it one step further and after we calmed down, he said that I was cute, funny, lovely, nice etc etc...

Does this mean that he does like me in other ways htan just sexually?
Is it ok for me to think about him 24/7 when I'm sure he doesn't?
How do I ask him where I stand?