Anigav Inspection!

I got the letter in the post coupla days back... actually, i was told about it from my dad!
"Giti, you're hospital appointment letter's on the board" I get a few hospital apointments a year, and since i complain of everything, i didn't really care too much that my dad opened it... oh, how i cared when i read the bold words!
"UltrasoundPelvis" and "UltrasoundTransVaginal"
i ripped the letter off the board and rushed upstairs...

the appointment's this thursday at 11.40... i think my parents have forgotten about it... but i'll let them know tomorrow that my mates are taking me...
I remember my last ultrasound i was terrified... and i KNEW that it was just them moving something on my belly... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A TRANSVAGINAL SCAN INVOLVES!!!

I am actually reallly scared...
but my friends all around me are being really nice and reassuring about it...

...I'm really scared...!

...It's Eating me again...

Over the years, i've had times when i've pushed everyone away, and just wanted to be on my own...
the last one i had was in january after my exams... I pushed Telf away and avoided him for ages, i started missing school and spending more time in bed... i just hated being awake, and kind of hate living...
but, what i felt back then has nothing on how i feel now... I feel soo drained... yet, when i see people, i *act* like i have soo much energy, and i laugh soo much i feel giddy... but when they can't see me, i immediately feel like flopping down cause i feel like i have no energy in me...
I hate everything, so much shit goin on around me... not necessarily connected to me... but just shitty gay things happening everywhere...what next, a tsunami??

I've started to stop eating, but i force myself to eat big main meals, cause i don't wanna die anymore... but i don't want to eat anymore... yes, i'm craving kebabs and chocolate, but i know the minute i get them, i'll throw them away...

and my sleep? yes i've slept soo much more since thursday, but... i wake up more tired and exhausted than if i didn't sleep at all... i wake up every 5 minutes, and i have the most puzzling dreams.. not nightmares, they're quite pleasant, but they confuse me soo much that they leave me feeling upset... (the dream where i got given one of the most nicest hugs - that i could ACTUALLY FEEL IN REAL LIFE, if that makes sense - and i could smell his scent... but i couldn't see his face)

all of this has started affecting my family life, my parents have been lecturing me since friday night, only because i can't be bothered to listen to anyone, all i wanna do is sleep..
why don't they understand??

i don't wanna be awake anymore... it's eating me, and i can't get away from it!

Living off Stress...

Everything i do involves an element of stress, even if it's a teensy weensy amount.. there's still SOME stress in it...
and i love it... Running around, not eating, spending any money i have... just to make whatever it is perfect...
The Parties, the homeworks, the Hi5 profiles... even just making a jacket potatoe...
and i realise now, why i keep craving this stress... this lifestyle of just rush, rush, rush... I hate sitting down, relaxing and just thinking... i absolutely hate it... i don't mind spending alone time writing stories, or "blogs" or just day dreaming... but just sitting to relax really gets to me...

I've spent the past day just sitting, listening to music and drifting in and out of sleep... and i've hated it... i keep thinkin about all the crap that's happened... and it's not only with what happened recently...
I remember back when i started rebelling and acting up... the minute i was left alone with nothing to do, the thoughts used to attack me...
thoughts of how i'm not close to anyone in my family, how i'm not talented at anything... and the one that comes up the most, how i'm the only person who hasn't had that special connection with someone, even though everyone else i know have had kajillions of these connections...

i guess that may be why i started gettin involved with so many things, and may be that's why i hate staying at home unless i have work to do or something...
my life is like a calendar, i'm always crossing off the days till the next big event... whether that's going shopping with mates, a party, or just waxing my legs... i need to distract myself with thoughts like "what time are we meeting up?" "have i bought all the balloons?" "if i wax my legs tonight, how long can i go without doing them again?"...
if i didn't condition myself to create unneccesary stress, then i would make myself ill by actually worrying about "stressful" things...

...speechless...

I said no ....
a year ago i said no... that it felt odd... that it wasn't right...
yet it was perfect...
and tonight...? i wanted to say yes... that i'm ready... that i want to go further...

and i wake up from my dream, and reality slaps me in the face
"I'm getting married soon... I can't speak to you anymore"....

This felt even worser than me wanting to stop speaking to Shaaf...
I had prepared myself to ask him if we could spend more time together.. see if things wouldn't be so bad...
The past week i had been thinking to myself that maybe he was "the one"....
After the party, EVERYONE told me that it was obvious that we were BOTH feeling each other... and i decided that i'd left it long enough...

Had i said yes when he first asked me... maybe things would've been different now... we might have brokeded up within the first 4 weeks, or we may still have been together.... how am i gonna know now??

Usually i'm full of words and can talk for hours when i'm emotional...
today i feel drained... and i'm strugglin just to write this...
and to be honest... i'm still a bit speechless... i don't know what to say to all this...
do i accept it?
or do i fight it, although i dunno for sure if i wanna be with him??