Where do I stand...?

It's the question that I've asked myself so much this year, that I'm starting to not care anymore.

Kumar hates me.
...and I don't know why.
Still.
The only thing that I can think of, which might have pissed her off, is when I avoided her for a while.
She lied to me, and I was angry.
Surely, I'm allowed time out to calm myself down... Right?

She absolutely hates my guts, and was using FaceBook (for a while) to get back at me... Petty; on both our parts.
Hers for even doing it, and mine for getting so bothered.
I know for sure that she's spent entire nights with "The Girls" (something she wouldn't have, if it weren't for me... No offence to her or her social skills) bitching about me.
Yes, Kenan is a really good mate, and is quite loyal in situations like this.

All I have to do now, is pay Kumar back (a hefty £400.. That's what she's saying, I'm going to double check), get my shoes, books, DVDs and clothes back, and then I can just get out of her life.

It's weird, isn't it?
You think someone's your best friend, a sister (to an extent), almost a soul mate...
...and they spring this kind of crap on you...

..and then there's others, who you're the same with everyday.
Yet you want to change...
Quasi came to see me on Wednesday.
...and I turned to jelly.
Vocally, I tried my best to stay calm and resist him.
...but they say, actions speak louder than words...
and when you're in the middle of a forest with your knickers in his pocket, and his fingers inside you, i don't think you can send any stronger message than that...

It's nearly a year and a half since we first met.
... and it's getting harder and harder for me to convince myself that I can get out of it easily...
It's nearly two years that I've liked him.
...and the liking has grown into something I'm scared of.
(No, not obsession.. Although I can definately say he's my infatuation...)

I told him, that I left the house thinking I was going to end it.
But, I couldn't.
And I can't...
I need him to shag me first.

I mean, that was possibly one of the first things that ran through my mind when I first spoke to him.

He suggested we "end it" but carry on doing the fun stuff...
But then what would I be ending?
So far we've both kept our feelings from each other.
Well, I've tried the best I can.
...and end of the day, the attraction was always more about the physical.

But.
I.
Don't.
Know.

I have no idea where I stand...

A month focusing on Religion...

It's officially the end of Ramadhan...
Wahey!

I've spent about two weeks actually starving myself, and the rest of the time, I've managed to sneak food into my ever-hungry gob.
I've not prayed once... (the Salah obligatory prayers; I still chat to God every so often...)
I've not read the Qur'an.. Although, I have started reading the translation this month.
I've not even tried to become a better person.

BUT... I've spent every night of this month having deep discussions about Islam...
and my issues and confusion about it...

Yes, he's biased and he will tell me the horrible stuff about Islam..
but he's the only person doing it!
No one else will tell me... and I'm far too lazy/stupid to find out for myself...

But, I think it's clear from my actions, that I'm not practising.
Unfortunately, I think too many people know.
So, I need to start being "an angel" again.
Oh dear.

...I still don't feel right, though.