...Fear...

I've always been scared.
My first scary memory is when I still lived up North, and I used to think a murderer/burglar/ghost/monster was hiding in between the two inch gap underneath my parents' bed.
I was probably four.

Nothing has changed really, I'm now scared of what might be hiding in the tiny gap underneath my bed, ready to pounce on me at any moment.

When I was eleven, I watched the Exorcist, and I laughed all the way through.
What a waste of time, I said, as the credits rolled.
I couldn't sleep that night.
I haven't had many decent night's sleep since.

In Islam, there are beings called Jinns.
You can closely translate it to the English "Ghost".
I've been brought up with stories of these Jinns.
Jinns, and Black Magic and Witches that live in trees.
As Muslims, you're meant to believe in them.

When I went back to my parents' native country, apparently I was "caught by a ghost".
I changed completely; the way I interacted with my family, my mood, my apetite, my routine.
I was a 14 year old adolescent.
Apparently that doesn't make any difference to my culture.

From an early age, I stopped going to the bathroom at night.
Something to do with "Bloody Mary".
Even if my bladder was bursting, I wouldn't go to the bathroom.
I have my daily showers in the day time, and I've even scheduled my body to need the toilet in daylight hours.
When I brush my teeth at night, I make sure someone else is in the bathroom with me.
...and that they're talking.
I don't want them to suddenly become possessed the one minute I'm not paying attention.

My older sister is still used to me calling "Mummy" at 4am in the dark.
Since I was 4 or 5, she used to wake up and tell me not to be stupid, and that I only had a nightmare.
She still tells me not to be stupid, and that it's all in my imagination.

For a while, I used to use the Protection Prayer ( Ayat-ul-Qursi) to calm me down.
But then I had a nightmare, in which I kept reciting it wrong.
Since then, it's not worked.
Many nights, I stay awake, frozen in my bed, with that prayer going over and over in my head.

The passage light has never been switched off, because I know I'll get scared.
I chose the room with the roadlight outside the window.
My phone never leaves my hand at night, just in case I have to call 999 (if it's a murderer or burglar) or my house phone (if it's a ghost and I need my parents to come).

Every single night, I go through the motions of checking my room for any pictures.
Any magazines, posters, or leaflets get turned over so I can't see any faces.
Any mirrors left lying around are covered up with clothes.
Teddies are hidden at the back of cupboards.

Yet, I still get scared.
I still see faces.
I still shake and shivver.
I still cry.

Why am I so afraid?
Why can't I shake this fear off?
Does anyone know what I can do?
I can't take it much longer.

Two Double Oh Seven.

What a year.
It started in illness and ended in illness.

Scandal, Gossip, Drama.
College, Community and WWW.
RatBoy.
Quasimodo.
KbinWalid.

I don't even remember how I started talking to Modo.
It was the Monday before my birthday that he made me come.
Since then, I've been falling.

Summer time was a mixed bag of Lucky Dips.
Mi Madre had to go off and we had to stay and hold down the fortress.
That Summer I found my older sister.

I also held down a job for three or four months.
But I hated it.
So I left.

October saw the birth of the Uni-Ness.
How I hate it.

2007 was the year I made the decision to leave religion.
The beginning of my journey.
It was also the year I took my first acoholic drink.
Had my first orgasm.
Stayed in a place full of guys in a different city.
Discovered my other side.
Became an official tease.

I guess Double 07 was the year of many beginnings.
I hope double Oh Eight isn't the year of endings.