I've been Viagra'd...

The past week has been very frustrating.
I've been horny non-stop since Friday.
I could have a frat slip and slide party going on in my pants right now.

I've been turned on in my sleep, too.
...and I've texted Taylor and Quasi whilst in a semi-concious state.

I'm actually sore from the amount of playtime I've had.
...but I can't stop.

I think I should've gone in for the kill when I was with Taylor last week.
I should've sat on his lap, and grinded away into bliss.

I so need a good seeing to.

Quasi says 4-6 weeks.
I don't think I can wait that long.
I think the next time I see him will be It.
I can't wait...

The thought of having him inside me is just too much right now.

....and it's Half Term so the kids are home and I've not got any privacy at all.
I think I might kill myself.

Pieces...

'Cause I'm a Camera Whore.

I'm losing weight...

..and I'm not even trying.
I never had an arse, but I swear I've lost half of what there was...

My belly's gone down...
so have my boobs, I think.

I don't understand!
I'm not as active as I usually am.
I eat left over chips, from the night before, for breakfast.
I'm just a slob!

Oh. Well.

I look nearly Yummy.

Pictures:

Yummy Taylor

Feeling shit and having had such a terrible week, I decided I wouldn't reschedule my plans to see Taylor...
I booked my tickets last night to see him.

...I guess I just wanted some male attention.
I wore a short skirt, suspenders and knee highs.
I woke up at half 5 to shave any left over hairs from my wax session!

I'm glad I went to see him.
He took me to Nandos.
I haven't had Nandos (in England) since May/June.
He took me to watch Eagle Eye.

He held my hand, and let me rest my head on his shoulder.
...and he tried to regrow his stubble, specially for me.
=)
It wasn't properly stubble, though.

It's not like I ever hid the fact that I fancied him.
Everyone knows.
Even back when I was in Sixth Form, and I met him for the first time round; He made me feel like putty.

He let me play with his ear lobe.
Squeeze his hand when I got startled..
..and snuggle into his neck.

Sometimes, that's all a girl just needs.
A chance to play with ear lobes and be cuddled.

But, is it right to be snuggling up to another guy - as yummy as he is - when you've got a HunchBack thinking of you...?
But then again, HunchBack hasn't spoken to you in a while, and hasn't replied to any texts sent either...

I felt his finger trace a line from my arse down to the back of my knee at the movies, and I caught him glancing down my top when he thought I wasn't looking.
I think he even tried to kiss me, when I hugged him goodbye.

...and a part of me is kicking Nessy.
He's too Yummy.

Ribbit, I am a Frog.

Things have been getting harder and harder as each day comes.
...and I've been getting more and more upset.

I've been asking myself how it got so bad all day.
How did I not see the shit surrounding me?

It feels like I've gone back to my life when I was 16.
The days when taking an overdose happened so often, no one batted an eyelid.
The days of telling horror stories to the girls at school about my homelife.
The time when I desperately wanted to get married just to get out of prison I called home.
When I didn't care about what I wanted, I just wanted to please my parents so they'd make things easier for me.

The boundaries are being put back into place.
The shift in power is noticeable.
Rules are being brought back from storage and dusted off, ready to be used again.
Curfews are being set once again.

How did I not see any of this? I ask myself.

Then I remember, The Frog Theory.

A frog dropped into boiling water has sense to leap out, but a frog dropped into cold water can be cooked to death before he realises he is in serious trouble.

I didn't notice the small things.
The times when the parents would get slightly pissed off.
The parents telling us to come home a bit early tonight...
I didn't notice the gradual changes... and adapted to their will..
Now I feel like I'm living in a place that's killing my spirit.

I had the most scariest thought today.
I thought to myself, maybe if I stopped speaking to my friends and stopped having a social life, maybe, just maybe, my parents would like me more.
Trust me more..
Lift these ridiculously limits.

But they wouldn't.
Because I'm their middle daughter.

I spent forty five minutes in the bathroom trying to calm myself.
To stop my lips from trembling, my eyes from watering.
To prevent that awful pain in my throat everytime I try not to cry.
After a face wash, I thought I managed.
...I didn't even get into the passage, before I had to hide behind the bathroom door again.
But what's the use in crying?
If I cry every time they upset me, disappoint me, ignore me, I'd draught my eyes.
...and no one likes dry eyes.

.Vivid.

I've been having trouble sleeping again.
Not the "staying awake" kind of trouble.
...but the "I sleep, but have terribly vivid dreams and wake up more exahusted" kind.

Saturday night, I dreamt that I was sleeping in Quasi's arm.
...and it felt like I was.
Disappointment has the fist of a Bully.

I even read back a text I sent to 'Modo at 5am.
I have no recollection of writing it.

Last night, I dreamt of many things:
Babies giving birth to twins.
My cousins from Derby.
Working in a nursery, RatBoy waiting in a car for me.
Berg (Two Guys and a Girl fame) hi-fiving me.
Josh Hartnett kissing me tenderly.
..I know!
I didn't even realise I liked Hartnett boy.

Taylor and I playing, like young adolescents at the back of a cinema hall.
Quasi wrapping his arms around me, kissing my forehead.
His smell.
The feel of his Moobs squishing under chin.

I can remember almost every dream I had last night.
They all felt so real.
I can remember the smells, the way things felt.
The way I felt!

...I woke up sweating, exhausted, and found myself wanting to say,
"Gosh, I'm tired, I need some sleep"

But, I just woke up!

Stress.

The last time I posted here, I was quite poorly.
A couple of nights before I was chucking my guts up.
Earlier that day I had received a few emails saying I was unsuccessful, yet again.
I still didn't know who my sister was staying with in London, or where.
But, I did know that she was still talking to GAY; and possibly staying with him.
Kumar had FaceBooked me earlier asking me when I could get the rest of the money to her.
...and I hadn't spoken to Quasi in a week, I think.

I hadn't been sleeping properly, either.
All these thoughts.
Ruminations.
Worries.

I was walking back from buying food for stupid guests we were having that night.
..and I found myself panicking at the thought of returning home.
I didn't want to come back.

But, I had to.
Guests were coming.
So, I did.

I cleaned the house, prepared the food and even attempted to tidy up the mess that I call a bedroom.
I'd been sighing a lot, almost finding it a task to breathe normally.
...and after spending that time working around the house, my head started to feel light.

So I excused myself to my bedroom, armed with Philly Cheese, Crackers, a bottle of Southern Comfort and a jug of Vimto and Lemonade.
I started reading my Grammar book; it's always close by for times when I need something to distract me.
...and I started mixing my VimtAid with the Southern Comfort.
It tasted nice, so I mixed in more.
Fifteen minutes later, the bottle was empty, and it felt like the room was spinning.

I totally didn't associate this feeling with the amount of alcohol I had just drank.
Considering, I usually don't drink more than a very diluted glass at a time.
..and I remembered that I was feeling light-headed earlier any way.
So, I thought I must be coming down with something.

I tried to sort out my calendar.
...Still need to reschedule the photoshoot, the Show's on Sunday - must get CDs ready and Little One hasn't rehearsed yet, have to pop into some strange recruitment office with my passport at 10am on Monday...
So many things to do, to remember.
I could feel it bubble up.
The panic.
The feeling that isn't it enough time.
The worry.
The Bitch that we all know as Stress.

It wasn't panic, nor worry, nor stress. though.
It was vomit.

I managed to crawl to the bathroom door and stand up just in time.
I didn't get close to the toilet, but I managed to aim the projection at the bowl.
Coriander leaves came out of my nose.

I wish I could use some metaphor to describe how the poison leaving my body was similar to the stress relief.
But, wait.
The stress was still there.

I cleaned up the bathroom, gargled with mouthwash, and cleaned my nose out.
My parents came up after the guests left and asked what all the racket was about.

I went to bed.
Still worrying, still planning, still sorting things out.
I was woken up at 8am to make a doctor's appointment for father.
The post rattled the letterbox, a notice to say my sister's gone over her overdraft, mother has x amount of debt still outstanding, and lots of letters to say, "Sorry, Nessy, we just don't want you".

This year has knocked the stuffing out of me, bit by bit.
...and I think that was the last of it.
I went back to bed.

I finally got up at 3pm.
Typical Bum time to wake up.
...but, surely, I live a different lifestyle to a Bum...?

What's going on in her head...?

Random words:

Bed sheets. Bra. AntiSeptic. Boobies. Money. Vibrator. MouthWash. Job Search. Kiss. Vomit. Southern Comfort. Bum. Bite. My Skirt. Alone. Temperature. Moan. Fever. Bite. Skin. Headache. His Floor. Stupid Sister.

...DeepNessy...

I wrote this last year.

The sun fell between the leaves of the big tree and dappled across her face,
highlighting her eyelashes as she slowly fluttered her eyes and finally closed
them again. She lay under the tree, on her front with her head rested on her
crossed arms. She welcomed the rays of sunshine that bell in between the leaves
and on her bare skin…
Deep leant back against the tree and continued to
caress her foot with an ear of corn. He moved it gingerly up and down the sole
of her foot, hardly letting the little fibres touch her skin. The sudden contact
would surprise and tickle her, making her curl her toes and let out a giggle…
She was spending the weekend in a countryside cottage, which was her idea of
Hell. However, it turned out that she felt as if she were in paradise; with the
warm sun massaging her back, the smell of freshly cut grass and lack of noise
awakening her senses… & Deep’s company…
He could see the smug look on
her face as she smiled to herself, and his own lips curled into a smile. He was
in a playful mood and wanted her to wake up from her daydream. He got on all
fours and crawled towards her, so that he was able to look at the freckles on
her bronzed back. He gently blew on her neck, knowing it would stir her from her
peaceful state. She let out a small gasp and shrugged her shoulders to reveal a
curve in her back, starting from the bottom of her neck to where her dress
started. Even through the thin white material, he could see that it ended at her
lower back. Feeling mischievous, he stroked the ear down the curve; making her
squirm more the lower he moved it. He stopped abruptly when he reached the
bottom, allowing her to move to a more comfortable position to play with him,
but she curled her legs under her and went back to daydreaming in the sun.
Deep wasn’t satisfied, the sight of her exposed mocha coloured skin was
creating thoughts in his mind, which resulted in a rapid increase in size at his
crotch.
He reached over to the basket of fruit and brought a grape to his
lips. He bit into the deep red fruit, releasing its juices. He placed the sweet,
soft, pink flesh between his lips and pressed his body against hers as he
reached over for her arm. He kissed her slowly up the arm, letting the juice
from the grape fall on her skin. The feeling of each droplet on her bare skin
felt intense as she squeezed her eyes shut and felt him throbbing against the
small of her back. Deep began to use his tongue to gently flick the juice off
her and she responded by letting out a barely audible moan.
He took this as
a sign of approval and continued sucking and licking the juice up her arm. He
got to Nessy’s neck and reached around to her other shoulder and turned her
over, so that she was lying on her back.
She unhurriedly opened her eyes to
look at him, her fingers delicately tracing the contours of his chest, his
breath softly moving the hairs around her neck. She let out a sigh, and then
smiled, only to find Deep smirking at her. Nessy tenderly smoothed her finger
over his bottom lip, using her other hand to slowly bring his face closer to
hers. She closed her eyes and tasted the cocoa butter lip balm that she had
forced on him a few hours ago. Her lips massaged his bottom lip, whilst playing
with his earlobe between her index and middle finger. Dee attempted to use his
tongue, when she turned her face and pushed him away. She smiled coyly and bit
her bottom lip, only making him get more frustrated.
With no warning, like a
vampire, he went for her neck making her writhe and squirm under all the
pressure, she arched her back and dragged her nails down his back. She felt
herself pulsate between her legs and moved her hands back to his chest, her
hands feeling their way under his shirt, her nails lightly passing over his
navel. Whilst moving further down with his kisses, Deep guided her hand down his
trousers gently, holding her hand in his, together they wrapped their hands
around his shaft. He let go of her hand and started stroking her thigh, making
her grip him a bit tighter. He pushed her dress up higher, and parted her legs
slightly; he then carried on letting his finger flutter against her skin,
travelling inwards and upwards until he reached her knickers.
She released
her grip and moved her fingers up towards his snail trail and lightly tickled
his skin, hoping that by doing so, Deep would follow suit. Her black-netted
knickers were becoming damp, and she felt there to be a warmth trying to rise up
outside of her; she yearned for his fingers to brush the material to one side,
and finally, dance inside her. Deep gently traced the patterns of the
butterflies on her knickers, lightly, with hardly any pressure, so that his
fingers couldn’t be felt on her skin, just the movement of the material. Nessy
inhaled and bit her lip, her nails slightly scraping his skin, she tried hard to
keep her eyes open but they refused to obey her mind and were tightly shut. His
thumb rubbed at the butterfly that was situated directly on top the opening of
her lips, making her whimper and raise her lower body towards him; she
desperately wanted him to touch her pounding sweet spot. His fingers ran up the
net, and he played with the pink satin ribbon, making it rub against the skin on
her tummy. He tucked a finger under the waistline and felt the contrast of
textures between the satin ribbon at the waistline and the net; he enjoyed
seeing her crave him to be inside her and carried on playing with the fabric
whilst watching her facial muscles tense and crumple up if he accidentally let
his fingers glide over her skin.
Unsatisfied with the way things were going,
Nessy curled her fingers around his sack, and tightened her grip, making him
flinching his hands away from her. She looked at him under her creased forehead,
her eyes strong and dark – she meant business. She traced her fingers back up
from under his pants, to his chest up to his neck… she massaged his jaw and
nibbled on his bottom lip… Her hand forced his down under her knickers; she felt
relieved and let go of his lips and let her pleasure be known by moaning loudly.

He said it was almost Mills and Boons-ish.
He did like it, though.
Maybe I should write another one?
...We still haven't fulfilled that fantasy.
The Downs really isn't the best place...
But, I've been thinking, and the park behind our old house is perfect.

Vanity.

Here's some pictures.

...Because I love myself.

On the Dole...

I've been Jobless since April...
and last month my father made me get on the dole...

I've actually hit rock bottom, me thinks.

Maybe I'm applying to the wrong jobs?
Because for the past month, I've applied to probably three jobs a day, and I've been unsuccessful for every single one!

JobSeeker's Allowance is really crap as well, and I still owe Kumar all that money.
..but money isn't the biggest thing for me.

I'm just really, really, really, bored!
There's only so much cooking and cleaning one can do before feeling like they're going insane.

I think I might just have to go for a retail post, if I don't have a job by November.