Giti's Life Update...

okeys, firstly, i had the ultra sound (not the anigav one though THANK GOD!) still haven't had any results back... but atleast the wait for the ulstrasound is over... my facial hair is growing at mega speed, spots are coming everywhere, and i swear i'm getting fatter...

Mimi and Mumu are in India, and i'm soo depressed... I decided to leave my city, and go to London to keep myself busy and put them at the back of my mind... it worked... but i was only there for 3 days, cause parents were being gay and if they could, they would've made me come home on the same day!
It was fun though, went to Oxford St. finally, and spent like 6 hours window shopping, met an online mate - well actually a few - ate Nandos... watched 4 movies, ate Chicken Shwarmas, danced around without worrying that my parents would kill me... and just generally forgot about eveyrthing... I had fun! and coming back has made me realise just how much i need regular breaks from my family...

Christmas Day... and I'm crying for a break... lolz..
i spent ALL day yesterday with my little sister, and by then end of it i couldn't stand being civil anymore.. i just wanted to rip her hair out... and today, with everything being closed, mum and dad didn't take her out anywhere... THIS is torture!

i've got exams in a week or two... and i was meant to upload some spanish paragraphs to my teachers thingy for her to check a week, no wait, 2 weeks ago.. i still haven't got round to WRITING the paragraphs... and Psychology? I'm failing that i think...
Starting from tomorrow, I NEED to start revising.. but parents don't seem to understand...

and there's been a tiny advance in the RatBoy story... but i think that's kinda messed up everything now.... 1 step forward, 2 steps back... don't really know to be honest...

That's kinda everything summed up.. i think!

Anigav Inspection!

I got the letter in the post coupla days back... actually, i was told about it from my dad!
"Giti, you're hospital appointment letter's on the board" I get a few hospital apointments a year, and since i complain of everything, i didn't really care too much that my dad opened it... oh, how i cared when i read the bold words!
"UltrasoundPelvis" and "UltrasoundTransVaginal"
i ripped the letter off the board and rushed upstairs...

the appointment's this thursday at 11.40... i think my parents have forgotten about it... but i'll let them know tomorrow that my mates are taking me...
I remember my last ultrasound i was terrified... and i KNEW that it was just them moving something on my belly... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A TRANSVAGINAL SCAN INVOLVES!!!

I am actually reallly scared...
but my friends all around me are being really nice and reassuring about it...

...I'm really scared...!

...It's Eating me again...

Over the years, i've had times when i've pushed everyone away, and just wanted to be on my own...
the last one i had was in january after my exams... I pushed Telf away and avoided him for ages, i started missing school and spending more time in bed... i just hated being awake, and kind of hate living...
but, what i felt back then has nothing on how i feel now... I feel soo drained... yet, when i see people, i *act* like i have soo much energy, and i laugh soo much i feel giddy... but when they can't see me, i immediately feel like flopping down cause i feel like i have no energy in me...
I hate everything, so much shit goin on around me... not necessarily connected to me... but just shitty gay things happening everywhere...what next, a tsunami??

I've started to stop eating, but i force myself to eat big main meals, cause i don't wanna die anymore... but i don't want to eat anymore... yes, i'm craving kebabs and chocolate, but i know the minute i get them, i'll throw them away...

and my sleep? yes i've slept soo much more since thursday, but... i wake up more tired and exhausted than if i didn't sleep at all... i wake up every 5 minutes, and i have the most puzzling dreams.. not nightmares, they're quite pleasant, but they confuse me soo much that they leave me feeling upset... (the dream where i got given one of the most nicest hugs - that i could ACTUALLY FEEL IN REAL LIFE, if that makes sense - and i could smell his scent... but i couldn't see his face)

all of this has started affecting my family life, my parents have been lecturing me since friday night, only because i can't be bothered to listen to anyone, all i wanna do is sleep..
why don't they understand??

i don't wanna be awake anymore... it's eating me, and i can't get away from it!

Living off Stress...

Everything i do involves an element of stress, even if it's a teensy weensy amount.. there's still SOME stress in it...
and i love it... Running around, not eating, spending any money i have... just to make whatever it is perfect...
The Parties, the homeworks, the Hi5 profiles... even just making a jacket potatoe...
and i realise now, why i keep craving this stress... this lifestyle of just rush, rush, rush... I hate sitting down, relaxing and just thinking... i absolutely hate it... i don't mind spending alone time writing stories, or "blogs" or just day dreaming... but just sitting to relax really gets to me...

I've spent the past day just sitting, listening to music and drifting in and out of sleep... and i've hated it... i keep thinkin about all the crap that's happened... and it's not only with what happened recently...
I remember back when i started rebelling and acting up... the minute i was left alone with nothing to do, the thoughts used to attack me...
thoughts of how i'm not close to anyone in my family, how i'm not talented at anything... and the one that comes up the most, how i'm the only person who hasn't had that special connection with someone, even though everyone else i know have had kajillions of these connections...

i guess that may be why i started gettin involved with so many things, and may be that's why i hate staying at home unless i have work to do or something...
my life is like a calendar, i'm always crossing off the days till the next big event... whether that's going shopping with mates, a party, or just waxing my legs... i need to distract myself with thoughts like "what time are we meeting up?" "have i bought all the balloons?" "if i wax my legs tonight, how long can i go without doing them again?"...
if i didn't condition myself to create unneccesary stress, then i would make myself ill by actually worrying about "stressful" things...

...speechless...

I said no ....
a year ago i said no... that it felt odd... that it wasn't right...
yet it was perfect...
and tonight...? i wanted to say yes... that i'm ready... that i want to go further...

and i wake up from my dream, and reality slaps me in the face
"I'm getting married soon... I can't speak to you anymore"....

This felt even worser than me wanting to stop speaking to Shaaf...
I had prepared myself to ask him if we could spend more time together.. see if things wouldn't be so bad...
The past week i had been thinking to myself that maybe he was "the one"....
After the party, EVERYONE told me that it was obvious that we were BOTH feeling each other... and i decided that i'd left it long enough...

Had i said yes when he first asked me... maybe things would've been different now... we might have brokeded up within the first 4 weeks, or we may still have been together.... how am i gonna know now??

Usually i'm full of words and can talk for hours when i'm emotional...
today i feel drained... and i'm strugglin just to write this...
and to be honest... i'm still a bit speechless... i don't know what to say to all this...
do i accept it?
or do i fight it, although i dunno for sure if i wanna be with him??

More drama in 30 minutes than any other Soap...

I stood at the bus stop, texting my friend to see if we were still on for a Girly Road trip tomorrow...and i decided to call my mum to pick me up, cause if i had waited for the next number 8 bus, i wouldn't have been home in time to make food for Iftar...
Just as i hung up, a girl in front of me collapsed... a leg bent under her, an arm smacked the ground... A nice gentleman and two elderly ladies helped her up and sat her down on the tiny little bit of plastic... The women sroked her arm and generally tried to make her feel comfortable... I wanted to help, but seeing as she was already being looked after i didn't do much...
Her bus came, and the ladies carried her bags and told her to stand up, she was fine for about 2 seconds, and then she fell again, nearly on me. The gentleman helped her up again, and a lady asked if anyone had a phone.
I offered to call for an ambulance, but i didn't know whether to call hospital or 999... so i asked, and the lady just tutted at me and rolled her eyes and said "YES! 999!"... i was already kinda scared, and she scareded me more!

So i called up, and tried to give our location "on Co-operation St. in front of WHSmith"... i didn't know how else to describe where we were!
and he asked me how she fell, and i was like... "erm... she looked kinda dizzy and fell? really floppily??" and he was like "did she faint?" and i was like... "nooo she hasn't fainted.... she just fell on the floor twice as if she couldn't keep herself up..." and the guy was like.. "i understand, but i need to know why she fainted" and i was like..."i'm sowwie, i reallly don't know.... "
but he was like just reassure her that helps on the way... :)
i got her to sit down on the floor, cause i was scared she might slip off the little bit of plastic that's meant to be a bench... and i gave her my shawl to wear cause she said she was feelin a bit cold...
She was 17 years old, going home from college...
The ambulance peoples came, and the man took her bag, whilst i held her hand and supported her, and walked her to the ambulance...
then i didn't know what i should've done, stayed with her or left...
Seeing as she was a complete stranger and she was in total safe hands i decided i should leave her with them....
and just as i turned around, my mummy was parked behind the ambulance...

so i hopped in, and i started telling them what had happened...
i then heared my mum saying something like "that's odd, i thought your dad had filled in the water the other day"... i didn't really pay much attention...
and told mum to carry on driving, we could always fill it up once we got home...
we then got stuck in traffic, and i looked at her dashboard thingy and hte water light was red! not even flashing.. it was PERMANENTLY red!
and then the bonnet started smoking!
we tried to park the car, but we were in chocablock traffic, and in the inner lane, so it would've been a nightmare for my mum... and then i heard a horrible rattling scarey noise.. and i panicked!
i switched the hazard lights on, and told my mum and sister to GET OUT the car...
we were standing in the middle of one of the BUSIEST roads in my city... and our car was gonna blow up...
i didn't know what to do, so i called dad to get here ASAP!
So many peoples passed us and not one person even asked to help us... a lot of them looked at us with a kinda pityful sympathetic look... but no one did anything...
we waited for about 15 minutes... and then a woman came over and was like "shall i help you push the car towards the pavement?"
The traffic had eased down now, and so we were like "okeys..."
and then two gentlemen helped us aswell...
There was some sort of problem with the steering wheel...it was locked or something and so the two men were steering and me, the woman and mum were pushing....
My sister had seen dad drive past the other way....so i started to feel some kind of relief...
the two gentlemen offered me their phones to call some one to take us home... and they were like, don't thank us...
and they went off...
Dad came and took us to his car, after lockin our little clio....
and d'ya know what?
he had a go at me for not taking an earlier bus home!

So much had happened in such little time, i felt kinda overwhelmed in the car... i was sooo close to tears...
I just hope Chloe gets better, and to the 2 men and the lady who helped us, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!

Garba...

Yaaaayyyy!!!! I finally went!!!
(after a few "but you never let me see my friends" and a bit of acting like a moody cow....)
but yes! i went...
and it was.... fun... i think!

i was toooo scared and nervous to reallly enjoy it...
the main worry was I'm a Muslim at a Hindu Festival...
and as welcoming as Hinduism is meant to be of other faiths... the PEOPLE ... talk!
lolz!
and so, i couldn't reallly relax and enjoy myself...

but omg! i got the garba step!! even the 3-clapped step...
and then dandiya, i got a BIT confuzzled at times... but overall it was good...
(i WILL put up my own definitions of what Navratri, Garba and Dandiya is...)

after coming back with a sore back, a hungry belly, a lengha drenched in sweat, and aching legs... i realised... Navratri is kinda like Ramadhan for Muslims...
as well as the Religious importance of each festival... there's the physical aspect where we kinda... make ourselves fitter... (if that makes sense)

a hindu will abstain form any "wrong food" (meat, alcohol etc) and the garba is a physical thing that makes them fitter...
a muslim controls what they eat when they're not fasting but during fastin hours obviously they don't eat... and the movements of the prayer is what is meant to keep them fit, as it supposedly uses every muscle in the body...

...it's kinda cool how you can find similarities in between religions...
kinda makes you smile :)

...Birthday Wishes...

he's 22 today...
wow! i first spoked to him when he was.. 18...

i don't know if i should call or text or even email him...
Shaaf didn't even remember my 18th...

have we totally finished our contact or whatever?
or is he just busy? or am i just too eager to stop speaking to him?

...not eager in the sense that i hate him or anything and i don't wanna speak to him...
but it's just... there's nothing more to our friendship anymore.... it's finished.. what's the point in tryna drag it on, when there's nothing there??

I know i SHOULD wish him happy birthday... if it was anyone else, friend, stranger, enemy i'd atleast wish them... but it's only with him when i get proud... that i feel that if he hasn't made any effort to contact me, why should i contact him?!
but at the same time, i remember just how much he meant to me, and how much he helped me...and that i owe it to him to still be nice to him and speak to him once in a while...

... sometimes i try and think what would've happened had i not misinterpreted my feelings?
would we still have been close friends?
it's only NOW that i've let Mimi and Mumu in my life totally!... before that it was only Shaaf who knew EVEYRTHING... i had a real friendship with him...

and to this day, i haven't met someone who i shared that same... connection... with...
i mean yea i love my mimi and mumu... and the rest of the M crew... but... Shaaf was... different...

maybe because i never had a brother figure in my life, i put him on a pedestal... i dunno... but i totallly looked up to him...
he motiviated me to do well on my GCSE's... no one else...
i mean, yea, my parents told me to do well, my mates were competing with me... but it didn't make me FEEEEEEL like i wanted to PROPERLY put myself into it...

it was Shaaf who saved me from myself those nights when i was being a mentalist....
not Mumu, not Ell, not Babey... it was Shaaf...
i still think what might have happened had he not spokened to me that night... i woulda just gone straight to sleep and have an overload of drugs messing around in my body....


...He is still really important to me, no matter how much i try and tell myself he isn't...
yea, i've gotten over the fact that we don't speak anymore... i've gotten over the fact that he speaks to Em still and sometimes even Ell and not me...
but it doesn't mean that i don't pray for him, that i don't care for him...

if i could... i would've called him up at 12am and wished him happy bday...
but, thing's aren't that simple...
things have changed, and i've left it too long to go crawling back to him...
i doubt he even remembers anything...

...Happy Birthday Angel... i pray Allah showers his blessings on you and that you get your hearts desires.... love from, Asshole....

Homework in year 2 - MeMe Style!

Meme has to learn about Florence Nightingale as part of his "homework" (he's a big boy now in year 2, so obviously they think he's big enough for homework... i'm not saying he can't do it.. it's just... he's still a babey )
It's really cute watching him learn... he used the bbc site where you can watch a little cartoon slideshow of her life...
He then tried teaching me about her...
(I have a theory that the only way you can learn something is if you teach it, so i made him teach it to me several times, before teaching my mum in our mother tongue...)

so he comes out with...

"She was born in Italy... and then she moved to England
her dad teached her Maths... she wanted to be a nurse, but her dad said
"No it's too dangerous!" ... and she ignored him, and became a
nurse...
and then turkey called her, so she went aaaaallll the way from England,
past France and Italy - that's where she was born, innit?! - and went to
Turkey.
She spoked to the doctors and she started to clean the floors, and the
rats.
and then all the soliders started getting better, cause she fed them
medicines...
and then when they got bettere again, she went back to
england.
She was famous, and the Queen gave an award, but she didn't want to be
famous.
She opened a school...
and then she died!"

maybe it's one of those "you had to be there moments" but i felt like PISSING MYSELF with laughter... just the way he was saying it all...
sooooo cute!!!!

Coupla weeks earlier he had homework to do on someone else who was famous...he comes out with
"Giti!!! we have to go on google and look up Burns!!!"
Now, i thought he was talking about Mr. Burns from Simpsons and was tryna understand WHY he'd need to do research on him!
and he says
"He made EVERYTHING! he made schools and buildings and ships!!!"
and i was soooo confuzzled... so i googled the name Burns, and it came up with Robert burns... and i asked... did he write songs and poems???
and he's nodding enthusiastically
"YEA YEA YEA!! THAT'S HIM!!!"
so i wrote out the simple life story and made it look pretty and printed it out...

...turns out it was Brunel he was meant to research, and not Burns...
the only way i found out was when Meme said something about "he made a bridge, a ship and a train to london!"

Thank God! they hammered it in to my head at my school about Brunel, i couldn't really miss them clues...
but it was soo cute the way Meme thought it was about some guy who sang Auld Lang Syne! and he sooo thought he was right!!!

Sometimes i think, he's doing the stuff that i'm doing NOW!...
bless him!

A year... gone quickly?

This time last year, i was just settling down at my new college, i was organising (what i thought would be ) a small community talent show, i was still thinking about Shaaf*, i was REALLY close with Ell... My sister and her boyfriend and best mate had moved to London...

Now? I'm just carrying on with college work, trying to figure out WHAT i want to actually do at uni... and fasting?....

I've managed to pack in sooo much in one year, that would usually take a coupla years for most people..
I joined Millenium volunteers and nearly clocked up 200 hours from just doing a few local events...
I've presented for 2 events, i've done the funding and the bulk of the organising for the talent show that i mentioned above... i've done stage management for a HUGE outdoor event in my local area, i've co-produced and co-presented a breakfast radio show...i've even helped my little sisters' class end of year leavers assembly/school production...
and somewhere inbetween that i met a guy that i can only dream of, i celebrated my 18th birthday, i celebrated Mimi and Mumu's 18ths as well, i've been out clubbing once, i had a job at specsavers and i even passed all of my AS levels...

I've had one of the (if not THE) most busiest years of my life...
and i kind of owe it to two things...
The talent show... and me failing my science AS levels...

Had i not failed, i wouldn't have changed college and subjects and i wouldn't have been more determined to do extra curricular activities... which was WHY i put in soo much effort into the talent show.. making it the BIGGEST asian event in my city... (excluding the summer festival)...
the talent show was my stepping stone to confidence, organisation and a great social life...

although now i'm not likin the idea of MOST asians knowin me...
but... i'm in a place where lots of 23 year olds would LOVE to be in (bar the going to college and sloggin away at A levels )...

and now i'm dying of boredom, and it's only been a month i been back...
i need some sort of extra curricular activity to keep my daily life from being routine....
i'm gonna apply for a voluntary mentor scheme for black and asian youths... to keep them outta trouble really...

i just hope this year goes as quickly, if not quicker, than the year just gone....



(sorry for my non grammar and punctuation today... i'm SHATTTEREDDD!!!)
Prayer for today:
Allah, please keep all evil spirits, shaytaans and jinns away from me. Please stop them from affecting me anymore, please Allah. Ameen...

Lack of Food and Sleep = Hyperness leading to Tiredness...

Fasting hasn't had any affect on me, that normal people experience...
i've not been hungry, or thirsty (okeys maybe a little, but it's the same hunger i experience every morning at 11am when my lessons are getttin borrrrring)...
i've had the few random thoughts, and urges to swear... but all in all, it's fine...
except for, i'm abnormally tired these days...
morning and evening i am SHATTERED, but randomly in the afternoon i start gettin really hyper... *blushes*
it's reallly bad...

but yea, that reminds me! that's why i haven't blogged yesterday or today... Just been soo tired, and when i've been hyper, i've been in the kitchen making food and messing around with MeMe...

anyways, my prayer for yesterday was for Allah to give me the strength to do the greater of good and lesser of evil... if that made sense...
you know like... instead of just doing good instead of evil... i want to do the REALLLYYY good stuff, instead of just a little bit good stuff...
and if i give in to the Shaaytan and do evil, i'd rather do a tiny evil deed rather than a normal or BIG evil deed...

My prayer for today is, Allah please shower your
blessings upon my family... My papa especially... every morning he wakes up
really early to drop me off to college, and some days he wakes up when he
doesn't need to, and so wastes his sleep time... and to top it all off, he NEVER
complains...
I pray that Allah grants him one of the best places
in Jannah in the afterlife, and that in this life he doesn't face as much
struggle and bad stuff as he has done.
I also pray that my family could be one big happy
family again...Ameen....

Bunking College...

I didn't go to college on Monday, Wednesday or Friday...
and i haven't done any work since...
and i don't wanna go back...

with worries of my ovaries mal-functioning, the start of Ramadhan, the excitement of going to Garba next Saturday, the sadness of MiMi and MuMu now not being able to meet me AT all during the day.... i just can't be bothered...
my room has been a state all weekend, and i've made no attempt to make it any tidier...
i've busied myself with cooking, MeMe, tv or the net...

This is WHY you shouldn't miss too much college in one go... you end up losing the routine-ness of life...

Todays Prayer:

Allah, please help me from arguing with my sisters. Please keep my tongue from sinning. Allah, please help me keep my temper down.

Allah, please, not only help me with MY attitude and anger problems, but those who need your help too.

Ameen.

Ramadhan Mubarak...

The Month of Ramadhan started last night after the Magrib Prayer ( sunset )...

my plan for this year, is to pray for something different every Iftaar ( the meal you eat to break your fast )...

To all the Muslims out there, whether you started last night or tonight, Ramadhan Mubarak, and i hope you all do something positive this year :)

and to all the Hindu's out there, Happy Navratri :) ... hopefully your prayers get answered too! :)

Today's Prayer was:

Allah please help my family to be strong, and to guide them and help
them stay on the straight path.

Rabbir Ham Huma, Kama Rabba yani Saghira...

Ameen...

High School Musical...

Watched it last night, after seeing the trailers on Disney Channel from before the Summer Holidays...
I actually REALLY liked it...
it was done reallly well... usually i can't stand Disney Channel Movies, but this is an exception...
the acting was good (well, actually i might be biased, the guy's soo cute, and the girl's really pretty!), the songs are sooo hawwwwww *blushes* and the choreography is soooo coool!
I'd recommend that people watch this... even if you're not into soppy doppy happy stuff, it's really cool just watching it for the music and the dances...
"Getcha head in the game" was wow! i've been tryna copy a move for the past coupla hours and it's impossible man!!

I'm on a mission to get the sheet music for the songs for free on the net... if ANYONE comes across this page and can help, PLEASE leave a comment... please..?
I'd love to sing along to one of these songs properly and not with a kareoke cd...

***Added: Omg, just been youtubing and look at the weirdness that i've found!

• http://youtube.com/watch?v=gWeOTkMNYzk - Girls messing around to a song...
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=DGXpvQXc3y4 - The girl, the guy, and the girl from Suite life of Zack and Cody appearing on Hannah Montana... but htey put a song over the top.. gayness!
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=K1IskCf__qs - a erm.... mix off anything related to high school musical? and christina aguilera's "all i want is you" playing over??
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=C8hZdQQng3c - Breaking free...in spanish??? ... but it's such a nice song!!! you HAVE to watch it...

Enjoy!!!!

Psychic??

I was speaking to my mates yesterday about my ultra sound experience... and my Virgin Pregnancy

I went to Doctors today, and i explained to the Blonde Stranger that ToM hasn't visited me in over 2 months now...

The expected "you sure you're not pregnant? Have you had any sexual relationships?" came... and i laughed and shook my head violently... (Un)fortunately not!

She asked me if i had been gettin acne or facial hair... i thought she must mean my PMS signs, and i pointed to my head sitting on my cheek... "well, yea, can't you see??? i've got spots, a tasche, and i've been bloated for over a month now!"
"Ok, but your acne and facial hair, has it been gettin worse? your hair growin any thicker than normal?"
again, i pointed at my upper lip, feeling the need to roll my eyes... "yea, look! it's a full grown tasche!"

"ok Giti, it might just be a hormonal imbalance"
Just then i remember to add in, "I've had irregular periods forever, i once even was reffered to a gynaecologist, who put me on the pill"
She quickly added to her scribbles "Ultrasound" and underline it... THREE TIMES!
"Giti, you may or may not have polycystic ovaries, it's nothing serious, just follicles growing on your ovaries which may be preventing you from having your periods. We'll need to do an ultra sound to see, is that ok?"
She looked at me with caring eyes... yet, i felt like she was the biggest bitch i ever met...
She said it wasn't serious, but in my neurotic head, all i heard was "you're going to die Giti..." (melodramatic i know, but i can't help think that about every illness i get, even the common cold!)

She started tapping away at her computer, giving me a chance to ... think...?
but i wasn't, i concentrated on the pictures on the walls, anything to distract me from the horribleness of the news i was given just a second ago...

She turned back and asked sharply, "would you like us to scan the tummy? or probe your vagina"...
that question was soo random, i just stared at her...
"i take it you'd like the tummy scan?"
"er.... yea! please! i don't like being probed!" i laughed...

walking home, i didn't think about it at all, i was thinkin about how i was missing my Spanish lesson and that i had to catch up on soo much college work! Life is unfair being a student!

i got home, and started to research....
and the results have lead me to have tear stained cheeks and once again, i've not done my business homework...
I don't wanna go to college tomorrow, but i have to...
i just want to get the blood test and scan over and done with...
Hopefully the 28th will come quickly...

....I'm actually really scared...

Subhanallahi Wa Bihamdi Subhanal Lahil Azeem
La Hawla Wa La Quwwata Illah Billa...

It's weird though, how i was speaking about it all yesterday... must be psychic vibes, hai na?

Virgin Pregnancy...

I've suffered symptoms of Virgin Pregnancy quite a few times now... and it seems it's contagious...

Virgin Pregnancy - missing your period for more than 2 months, and thinking your pregnant even though you haven't touched a guy like that...

When i was doing my GCSE's, I had one period every 4 months it seemed... and at one point i went 6 months without ToM... I still got bloated though, and my breasts grew a bit too...
It wasn't long before i was being asked by neices, friends, aunties, strangers etc etc, how i got myself into that situationg...
I was soo confuzzled! but when they pointed at my "bump" (my wobbly over hang bit of belly!) i clocked on...
and i thought and thought and thought.... and i became more worried, more paranoid, and more panicky...
"I'm having a baby.."
the paranoid thoughts got sooo bad, that i went to doctors in tears...
now the doctor obviously decoded my ramblings and thought i had very irregular periods and maybe something in my womb (i'm guessing!) and so she sent me to a gynaecologists to get an ultra sound done...

the minute i saw the letter, i burst in to tears and called Shaaf... "i'm REALLY pregnant!!!"
the ultra sound scan was fine, although when the woman was like "you can go to the toilet, but only half go" i was soooo confuzzzled! and had to stay an extra hour so i could fill up on water again *rolls her eyes*

I've had lots more "i'm pregnant moments" since... but usually a mate calms me down, and reminds me, i've never been THAT intimate with a guy, for there to be any worry...

What's more funnier, is since hearing about my "pregnancy" lots of friends have had it too....
ooopsie!!!

My "presenting" -ness...

i feel like i'm stuck in a rut at the moment...
nothing's progressing for me, well, in terms of my "presenting career"...

During the Summer months, i had been getting contacted by lotsa peoples in the media... for different things, from channel 4 for that "meet new friends who share the same interest" show.. the woman for Skins, although she wasn't looking for an asian girl... D.B Media and so on...
but now it just feels like it's stopped... after the trial morning show on community radio...
i know it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet, but i like continuously progressing towards my goals...

I emailed D.B media again, and it seems as if they've forgotten me, although it was THEM who contacted me in the first place... they asked for pictures and contact details... AGAIN!...
argh!!!

I spoke to "Dolphin" at the mela, and he told me to go through Modelling... but, the thing is... even doing what i'm doing now is seen as bad in my parents eyes... if they knew that i was modelling, they'd go mental!
so, that's not even a route i could go through...
the other way he said was through radio...

I got the guy who produces the sunday soundtrack's email address... so i might email him...
Radio-wise, I wanna go into bbc asian network ultimately, but how?! - this might be my way in...
I'm gonna still push on with DB Media though... i mean, look at Mutz Cutz, Jus Bhangra and that chart show thingy on zee music...

i think i DO have the right personality and qualities to go into presenting...
it's a shame, that none of the "VIP" peoples can see it...

I'm gonna try contacting the local BBC Radio; cause they do like an evening a week of asian stuff...
Saadiyah* was offered a job at some channel called DM .. it's a pakistani channel...
i should look around something for me... maybe Channel S???

Strepsils & Tongue = Panicked Brother...

The whole household have been arguing today,
me with my little sister,
little sister with dad
dad with little brother
little sister with little brother
dad with big sister
etc etc...

and so i found my little brother hidden under the table in a mood..
i went to play with him, and he started attacking me with his legs... My older sister joined us.. and started to stroke his cheeks, only to have her earrings yanked out...
so i went out the room, pretending to be moody... when i had an idea... he'll forget about being moody, if i tell him i'm dying (me and my brother are realllly close, although there's an 11 year old age gap)...
Due to my sore throat, i've been sucking on red strepsils all day (in between downing hot hot lemon tea) and so my tongue looks horrrribbbllleeee and incredibly red!

I ran back into the kitchen calling out his name, and acting really worried...
"My tongues bleeding Meme!"
Immediately, he rushed out to have a look... he said he couldn't find the cut, and i didn't think he was buying it...
"Meme, i can taste blood"
he dashed for the sink, grabbed a dirty glass and started to fill it with water...
i gave him a clean cup, cause i didn't want him to put dirty water in my mouth...
he spent about 10 minutes pouring water on my tongue...
and then we went to check my tongue in the mirror...

[My tongue after having mugs and mugs of water poued on it...]

It looked pink, and my older sister was telling him that i was lying...

i then asked him to check my breathe
(me and him play a game, where we breathe into each others' nose, whoever has hte smelliest breath wins... - yes, it's gross, but i don't really breathe on his nose... and when he breathes i try really hard not to inhale)
he put his nose near my tongue, almost touching it...
inhaled and said
"it smells candy"...

Bless him... for a while we were happy again, he was probably relieved that his best friend wasn't dying.
and then he clocks on... "heeey, you tricked me!"

Again, he's being moody with me and hitting me...
*tears*..

Procrastination...

...it's my favourite past time...
I love to put things off... unless i feel like i MUST do it NOW!
e.g - making this blog thingy look a bit nicer, writing revision cards during lessons *rolls her eyes*.. anything to put off what i'm MEANT to be doing...

The word procrastination reminds me of latin lessons in year 10..
when we were learnt about the word Cras...and so Mrs Night* decided to teach us about the word "procrastination"...

Latin origins - “pro,” meaning “forward, forth, or in favor of,” and “crastinus,” meaning “of tomorrow”...

The word reminds me of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, there was an episode where she spent the WHOLE 30 minutes just saying the goddamn word!
"i procrastinate too much"
"procrastination is bad"
"i should really stop procrastinating" ... etc etc...

I guess i'm procrastinating now, LOLZ!.... i WAS gonna say that i spent ALL evening (maybe day) tryna make this blog look nicer, and so tomorrow, after work, i have my Spanish presentation to prepare, my Psychology project to figure out, and my Business Question to answer...
great hai na???

Oxford dictionary should put a picture of me next to the word "procrastinator" ...

Croaky, raspy, gruff...

Summer has officially gone...
Wanna know how i know???

I have a sore throat...

It's not the kind where you have a lot phlegm to ease the grating pain... it's the dry one... where it hurteds by just yawning...
- yea, i've been like predisposed to have sore throats, so i know that there are many different types...
and i know that you can't have a sore throat without a change in your voice...

but gayness! this is my first sore throat without a voice change! No croakey-ness, no Husky voice... not even a dying zombie rasp...
I have to admit, i'm pretty dissapointed... The voice change keeps me entertained all throughout the "illness"... especially if i sound like a boy going through puberty, or sound really husky...

It's been about 6 months that i haven't used lozenges, such as Vocal zone or Strepsils, but then again, i haven't done public speaking or singing in a while...
But d'ya know what?? I HATE lozenges ( even though strepsils and throaties taste sooo yummmyyy)... not only when you suck for tooo long, do they leave gay cuts and "craters" on your tongue... which PAINS sooo much when you brush your tongue the next day...but if you have too many in too short a time, you end up gettin the runs! :

I remember using cough sweets to help me go to the toilet more often in the day...
it was an experiment to see if you would lose more weight by going to the toilet more...
If it had ANY effect, it was toooo miniscule to notice...

I feel like Phoebe from friends... i want a change in my voice!!! *bangs her arms on the desk and her legs around like a 5 year old*... I WANT I WANT I WANT!!! *folds arms* hmph!!!