...'Cause when I pack my bags, it won't be for Vacation.

So, Wednesday morning, I had a chat with Quasi.
The kind that we used to have.
The Deep Shit.

He feels that my family are holding me back.
He's not the first person to say that.
...but he's the first person I've taken seriously about it all.

It's got me thinking.
When's the right time?
When do I say, I'm not the person you think you know... I've been living a different life for several years... I have no intention of following the life plan that you hope, wish and pray for...
When do I mention that I have no interest in all the things that they push me towards...?
How do I build up that courage...?

Knowing fully well that there's a good chance it'll go belly up, and I'll move further away from where I want to be.

Today, whilst washing up, it hit me.
I can't carry it on with Quasi.
No matter how long I wait, it's not going to happen.

So, I should forget, right?
I should work towards pleasing the Parents.
Atleast, calm one part of my life...
Makes a bit of sense.

...but, I can't give up Ness.
I've spent the past three years building up Ness.
Creating the person who fits me best.
Growing into the mould.
More than that, I've spent the past five years working on myself...
Finding out who I am, what I believe, what I don't believe, when I feel happy, when I feel sad...
...Am I supposed to give all that away?
Go back to the girl who wears fleeces and has no opinion on anything?

Do I forget my desires?
My dreams to live in an apartment in a Cosmopolitan city... My dreams to work in Event Management... My dreams to live in New Zealand, go for a Yoga retreat in the South of Spain, learn to swim properly, take part in a musical of some sort, focus on my writing, work at a Summer Camp in America... and so many more smaller, unimportant dreams, like stay out until early morning and not worry about whether I should find a place other than my bed to sleep in, 'cause it's too late...
or, even, just spend the day out and not have anyone to answer to...

What about my desires as a girl?
The wishes, hopes and prayers that every girl has...
I don't want to get married...
Unless, it's with the right person.
That means Non-Bengali, and Non-Muslim.

I mentioned the other day, Quasi was talking about our possible children.
I woke up.
For so long, I've been so blasé about these things.
I don't want to get married, I don't want children, I don't care if I never fall in love, I don't want or need a family of my own...
I do.
I really do.
...but not how it's been written for me.

I wish there could be some compromise, where we'd be both happy...
But, the only compromises that I can think of, involve me bending over backwards and being unhappy, just so that they're not sad.
I can't ever make them happy, so I'm not even going to try anymore.

I'm rambling.
None of this is planned, at all.
...Free Thoughts.

Which is why, I can't remember what was said on Wednesday morning much.

I just know that I can't just up and leave, because my family are holding me back.
A day's going to come, when I'll just pack my bags... and it won't be for a holiday.