Experiencing Death...

...of a loved one.

The past year, I've lost over 6 people in my life.
But, I didn't visit them when they were dying (some died immediately, and those who died in hospital were in different countries), I didn't see them during their last days... I didn't hug them, stroke their foreheads, I didn't tell them how much they meant to me.
I didn't experience the sense of knowing that they're not going to be here much longer.

My uncle is currently dying.
That sounds odd, doesn't it?
I mean, I know in a general sense everyone's dying; every second gone, is another second closer to death.
...but according to doctor's, my uncle is dying very quickly.

How do you get your head around that?
I mean, once they've gone, they've gone.
That's it.
You slowly understand that they're not coming back again.

But, when the only thing you know is that they're going.
...you don't know how or when...
How do you understand that?
That possibly in a couple of days' time, a week's time, maybe a month's time, he's not going to be here...
But he's here now.
...but not here, 'cause he's unconcious.

You could ask, is he already dead?
But that's too much of a horrible question, and I'm no where near ready to even think about it.

He's my uncle.
He put me in the store room when I refused to read Arabic.
He spent ages making a picture with me for Eid.
He used to let me wear his hat and waistcoat jacket - something he didn't let anyone else do.
He used to compare bicep sizes with me, and always tell me that my muscles were like eggs.
I learnt the word "fotha" from him, and he introduced me to the world of fasting... and Bran Flakes.

I haven't seen him at all for the past 10 years.
Ten years I've missed out.

...and all I can do is hope that they're giving him morphine... that he goes with dignity... that the pain stops.
I can't hold his hand, I can't sit next to him, I can't talk to him and remind him of all the naughty things I used to do that would irritate him.
I can't stroke his forehead or massage his legs, I can't feed him water.

Not for his comfort, but for mine.
Yes.
I am Selfish.

My uncle's dying, and all I can think of is what I have been and will be missing.